Eh, god, the anxiety hit me over the head like a fucking rockslide this afternoon. Probably my own damn fault. Not only did I go out into public but I also had a cup of coffee and what the hell was I thinking?
Took a beautiful walk this morning, had a nice chat with Ms. Liola who waved me down from the steps of her house as I was passing. Sometimes I sigh inside when this happens. Oh! The cardiac! Oh! The time! Then I think about it- she's older, her kids live far away, I don't even think she drives anywhere and she lives in a single-wide trailer. She's lonely. Hell- what kind of a person would I be not to stop and trade a little talk with her about the weather, who's had the flu and the colds, the grandkids, both hers and mine, our yards, the possibility of her getting some chickens, whether or not its been good weather to hang the clothes outside, etc.
And she's not one of those people who talk your head off or prattle on about silly gossip. She just wants to pass the time with another human and there I am and I know that feeling too so I stop and take my headphones out of my ears and we always have things to say, both of us living in Lloyd and being grandmas and liking to work in our yards and stuff.
I showed her a picture of Elvis on my phone today. She declared him a prize-winning rooster. I agreed.
So I felt okay after my walk and washed dishes and hung my clothes on the line and got dressed and went to town, thinking I'd find me a Mediterranean Diet cookbook. I started out at the nice Goodwill Bookstore which is more on the Lloyd side of Tallahassee and they did not have one. Not a one. They had a thousand cookbooks and yet, none about the Mediterranean Diet. So I thought, "What the hell?" and drove on down the road some miles to the Books a Million and fuck me if the Mediterranean Diet hasn't been replaced by the Paleo diet. Jesus. Everyone in the damn world has written a cookbook about the Paleo diet. I went through all the new cookbooks and all the bargain cookbooks and found exactly three Mediterranean Diet cookbooks and not one of them seemed worth the price although the pictures in them were just fucking lovely and I bought that lethal cup of coffee there. I browsed for at least forty-five minutes, my anxiety creeping and creeping to the point where I knew I had to get out of there but couldn't quite manage it until finally I made a break for it and I still had to go to Publix which I did where I couldn't even think about what to buy but I did buy some things and came home and put all the groceries away and felt frantic the whole time. I suddenly saw how filthy my house is and so I swept some and I tried to Magic Eraser some of the stains off of walls and doors but that's like trying to take down Mt. Everest with a dull teaspoon. I got the clothes off the line and folded them and put them away and made Mr. Moon's supper because he was leaving early to go to a basketball game in town and now he's fed and gone.
"We're going to be eating more vegetables," I told him as I served him some organic chicken breasts cut up in a sauce with tomatoes and onions and peppers and garlic and squash and green beans and carrots and what's probably the last of the kale from the garden over whole-grain pasta.
He said that was all right with him. He's so easy to please.
It all just feels like too much today. Too many books in the bookstore, too many choices in the grocery store. Too many cars on the road. Too much mold and dirt in my house. Too much, too much, too much, and mostly too much crazy illogical catastrophizing of every little thing.
Well. So it goes. The frogs are making enough noise to deafen me, their calls in the super-sonic range and the sun has set. Dinner's ready whenever I am. I am so defeated as to what to eat right now that I'd just as soon rather not. Maybe I should just try the Paleo Diet although I see that legumes are not included in the modern version of what cavemen ate and I can't live without eating beans so fuck that. I'm not a caveman and quite frankly, the fruits and vegetables that are grown today have very little to do with the fruits and vegetables gathered by the Paleos and that's the facts, Jack. Grass fed meats? I could do that, since my husband is a hunter but no cereal grains? No brown rice, no quinoa, no salt or potatoes? That doesn't sound right to me.
I always think about the Masai people who are some of the most beautiful people in the world whose diet traditionally was based mostly on raw meat, milk, and the blood of their cattle. They do not get cavities. But let's face it- I am not genetically closely related to the Masai although I haven't done DNA testing and so who knows? Not me.
So I guess I'll go eat some vegetables. And guess what? I am not going to live forever no matter what and neither is anyone else.
But speaking of people who live forever, or at least in junky years, I've been craving more Keith Richards in my life the last few days. Is this a sign of illness or of healing? I do not know but I think it is mostly a reminder that there are survivors in a sea of people who do not survive.
And I am grateful to have survived and that thought brings me some comfort.
Hey. I know y'all aren't going to watch these videos I'm posting tonight. That is all right. I have watched them. They have helped but your totems are probably not mine.
And this song is going through my mind and it soothes me.
Wild, wild horses. We'll ride them some day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll discuss Kim Kardashian's side boob.
Don't hold your breath.