Thursday, February 27, 2014

Crazy But Okay, Really

Feeling overwhelmed and as if everything around me is completely beyond my control. Every part of this house needs intense cleaning, dead flies litter the window sills and the windows? Oh god. I've never cleaned the windows. Ten years. I've never washed them.

The potatoes are nowhere near being in the ground, there's a truck full of horse shit that needs to be shoveled and now it's been rained on. Have you ever shoveled wet horse shit? It's one thing when you're in your twenties, your thirties, your forties, even your young fifties. It's an entirely different thing when you're a few seconds away from sixty. Shovel that shit onto the garden or into the garden cart and then move it and dump it and rake it to where you need it. I don't even know if I'm capable of shoveling horse shit anymore and yay and verily I tell you- it was when my then-boyfriend saw me shoveling horse shit off the back of his truck that he fell in love with me, knew that he wanted me to be his wife, the mother of his children. Well, that and the biscuits. know.
Thank god I can still make biscuits or he'd probably have grounds for divorce.
And what to make for dinner?
Okay, don't laugh- I've run out of ideas. Run the fuck slap out of ideas. I'm tired of coming up with ideas for meals that are healthy and taste like something you'd want to eat.
The dogs are filthy and so in need of grooming that I'm ashamed and embarrassed and I have to at least wash them before I can take them in and I keep thinking they'll die but they won't, they don't, they stumble into walls and fall off the steps and you have to place treats directly into their mouths or they can't find them. They stink so bad that yesterday Owen told Buster to get away from him. And Dolly smells about ten thousand times worse than Buster.
And, and,'s time for me to renew my CEU's for my nursing license and dear god, what a joke. I couldn't function in a medical setting if my very life depended on it and yet, I can't seem to let that go. I mean...what if my life DID depend upon it?


How can I be this overwhelmed on such a beautiful day? Because it is a beautiful day. The clouds are drifting away, the birds are singing and although it's chilly and going to get cold tonight, it is still springlike and thus, my soul should be happy and it is, oh, it is, I am not anxious. Perhaps crazy, but not anxious.

And Jan Brewer, the governor of Arizona vetoed that stupid, stupid bill that would have allowed people with sincere religious beliefs to deny service to gay couples and the Texas gay marriage ban has been struck down as unconstitutional by a Federal judge and so slowly, slowly, the last dying sparks of homophobic, bigoted laws are being snuffed out although there is still so far to go. But I hold those two things close to my heart with hope like two perfect buds of flowers, the possibility of equality for all humans to love and marry the person of their choice a reality.

So. One step at a time, as with everything.

I need to take a walk, I need to take the trash, I need to do the laundry, I need to try and shovel some shit, I need to try and create some order within my house, my mind, my garden, my soul. I need to know that I cannot do it all today. As the anxiety clears, I am left with the reality of it all, the need to come back to life, this life which is a good one, such a good one, even if there are dead flies on the windowsills.

I made my husband an egg sandwich this morning for him to eat on his way to work because he got up and drove to Monticello to pick up the deer sausage at the processor's and so he was running late and as he left, I said, "I love you, my precious."
"I love you too," he said. And I knew he meant it.

That's what's important.

And I need to remember, even as my brain feels crazy (but a different sort of crazy) that it truly is one step at a time, all of it, whether in the realm of human rights or of the shoveling of horse shit.

I'm not sure any of this has made any sense at all but good morning.
I am doing my best and I know you are too.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. Oh my dear, you sound a little frantic this morning! Baby step through your day. It will all get done, or it won't. It doesn't matter, the sun will come out tomorrow, life goes on, obladi-oblada, right?
    My husband's on his way home. I feel exactly the same way you do. Mental. How do they do it, with us?! Lol!

  2. What to eat for supper the never ending question. Hubby is the cook around here, but expects me to figure out what to eat. The horseshit shoveling is funny. Gail

  3. It is my sincere religious belief that you are doing the best that you can.
    And I have dinner anxiety too. Seriously. I'm thinking maybe use some leftovers.....but white sea bass quiche does not sound right. Maybe some fish and rice? With the last of that carton of salsa?

  4. It all makes perfect sense to me because this is how I was for five years with mentalpause and I think I am finally on the other side and I just turned 60! You finally say to yourself the hell with it ...I don't / can't to do it anymore and you simplify (or not). Also, my husband was my rock and I NEVER would have made it without him!..and he still loves me which is totally ridiculous because I would have got rid of me a long time ago!

  5. Ms Moon, is it wrong that I laughed hard reading about your stinky dogs? and the rest of it. I know just exactly how you feel. It's all too much for any one person. We need a staff. If I could afford one the first hire would be a dog washer because I'm betting my dog is way stinkier than yours. Really.
    How bout a frittata for dinner?

  6. Well, she did veto it but not because it was, as John Stewart said, morally repugnant. There all kinds of reasons like financial or because people were calling them bad names or because someone realized it could be used to discriminate against, gasp, Christians but not the most important and real reason it should have been vetoed for. And you can count on our attorney general to appeal the ruling in Texas since his favorite pastime is filing lawsuits against the federal government on lost causes and wasting lots of taxpayer money because he never wins.

  7. heartinhand- I have calmed down. Got in a good walk. And WHY does my husband do it is more the question I ask myself. Bless him.

    Gail- I'd rather cook than figure out what to cook. And yet, I end up doing both. I always seem to figure out something.
    The reality of shoveling shit is not as funny as the image. Well, maybe a little.

    Denise- Or fish tacos? They're always good. But with rice and salsa, good too. It never ends, does it?

    Ain't For City Gals- I know. I am learning to just let go of some things. But some things just simply must be attended to.
    I would have gotten rid of myself a long time ago too, if I were my husband.
    I do make good biscuits though.

    Yobobe- You've never smelled Dolly. She's always smelled like dead fish, no matter what. And now it's just completely overwhelming. One needs a gas mask.
    Frittata is always good. Thank you.
    And I am always happy to make you laugh.

    Ellen Abbott- Oh, I am under no delusions that Ms. Brewer vetoed that bill due to her goodness of heart. But sometimes it just doesn't matter- the ends justify the means. And in this case, it does. And of course they'll appeal that Texas ruling but I think that the Constitution will prevail. I hope.

  8. I'm having a hell of a day today. Too much to do and I am totally overwhelmed. Reading this post helped to calm me a bit and its message also resonated that I need to just take it a little at a time. Deep exhaling going on here.

  9. If I may - as a daughter in law, who benefits hugely from much free babysitting and is g lad to give something back when she can... you have healthy and willing family, sounds like it's time for a window washing party. That young Jason, for instance, sounds exactly the the sort of handy and amenable young man who'd love to come help out a bit!

  10. Good morning to you, too. And do you have Trader Joe's in Lloyd or close by? Because they are really the best when it comes to meals when you're so sick of coming up with stuff to make that's nutritious. Even their marinated carne asada or chicken, thrown in a frying pan and then sliced for tacos is perfect. Cut up some avocado, make some salsa or buy some, a little cheese and you're good to go. And if you're super, super tired, get any of their frozen food. It's actually delicious. Now I'll be quiet.

  11. Oh Mary, I could have written half that. I've not had the horseshit to shovel, but mulch and sand and peat piles yes, and don't shovel that wet shit unless you're having a superwoman day. Don't throw out your back or shoulder or anything - it's just a garden, and you have lots of spring left to go right?

    Also I am sick to death of buying and preparing food for other people, and me. I don't even know what I want either. The best part of travelling was not making food, just ordering it. Elizabeth's idea sounds easy and yummy though. I'm grabbing a rotisserie chicken and some lettuce and calling it a dinner salad tonight.

    You're doing better than most, and it'll never be good enough for you but that makes you who you are. I understand about not wanting to let your nursing certification go, you would judge yourself for it, even if you don't need it, it's on your must do list, your who I am list. Your list is huge. Every woman I know has a list too long to do well, it's contagious. We do what we can, right?

    After reading this post, I feel guilty for not making my Mr. an egg sandwich lately. That I can do. xo

  12. Jill- The moon must be in Frantic.

    Jo- Oh I know. And the kids would help me but they all work so damn hard with so little time off and I know that when they do get time, they need to take care of their own households. Lily offered today but I turned her down. If I need them, they will be here.

    Elizabeth- Tallahassee just got its first Trader Joe's a few months ago. I've been twice now. I need to spend more time there, especially looking at frozen things that look good and healthy. A very good suggestion, dear.

    Mel- I'd rather shovel horse shit than snow, I can tell you that. The thought makes me shudder. Do you shovel snow? I bet you do.
    You so get me. The license thing IS a part of my self-view. It's weird, but it's true.
    I did not overdo today. I promise. Just the right amount, I think.
    What would we do without rotisserie chickens? Publix makes the best ones I've ever had.

  13. I read this early this morning and I felt for you! I have been in this house 12 years, and haven't washed the windows either. I think I hosed the front ones off once. And the whole inside needs to be deep cleaned but it's not happening any time soon either. I managed scrambled eggs with cheese for dinner. After 38 years of marriage I am totally uninspired for ideas. Tomorrow is the precooked carnitas pork from Trader Joe's since it is only two of us this weekend. (I completely agree with Elizabeth about TJ's.) It's just creeping very middle-aged syndrome here. But I have a new library book and a new owned book, so can cheerfully put other stuff off till at least Saturday.

  14. I was so impressed that Jan Brewer vetoed that bullshit bill -- and I am no fan of Jan Brewer. Apparently even RICK SCOTT was against it, which I found astonishing! The world really IS evolving.

  15. not sure who i fear more- those with the sincere religious beliefs, or the folks with the insincere ones....

    i had one of those days wednesday and yesterday. feeling overwhelmed with work and a general sadness as the year anniversary of tony's dad's death draws nigh. i was snappish with my dear husband and cried part of the way home in my care yesterday. i think it needs to be spring and the sooner the better- take care


  16. Everything you say always makes sense to me. I keep losing my comments when I try to say hello from work and can't redo because I am sneaking. Though the other day when I came in I saw that my boss has your blog open and must've been reading it. Am thinking of you and yes, one step at a time, in everything, for all of us. How bout making this: It's really good:

  17. Oh and I have to say, it made me happy that you have never washed your windows. I haven't washed mine either. Fuck that shit.

  18. Cathy In Simi- Hey! Thanks for coming by and thanks for taking the time to comment. And I agree- a good book should always come first. And there is ALWAYS a good book to be read.

    Steve Reed- I think it's all about the $$ and the fact that poles consistently show that more and more people are not feeling so tolerant towards those who are so blatantly INtolerant.

    Mrs. A- And who gets to be the judge over whether or not someone's beliefs are "sincere"? What crap.
    Anniversaries of deaths are always hard. Always. Go ahead and cry and spring will be there soon. I promise.

    Bethany- I might actually make that casserole because it sounds AWESOME! And you are awesome. And always in my heart. And hell yes- fuck that shit on the windows. Who cares?

  19. Thank goodness for some sanity prevailing in Texas and Arizona. I am hoping that things will continue to improve towards equality in marriage and in other ways as well. Maybe before my life is over the old white males who have fueled the far right will be gone from politics. Next, let's lift the embargo on Cuba!

  20. Syd- Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much of a shortage of young white males who are as insane as the old ones. I'm with you on the Cuba thing. I want to go there!


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.