Feeling overwhelmed and as if everything around me is completely beyond my control. Every part of this house needs intense cleaning, dead flies litter the window sills and the windows? Oh god. I've never cleaned the windows. Ten years. I've never washed them.
The potatoes are nowhere near being in the ground, there's a truck full of horse shit that needs to be shoveled and now it's been rained on. Have you ever shoveled wet horse shit? It's one thing when you're in your twenties, your thirties, your forties, even your young fifties. It's an entirely different thing when you're a few seconds away from sixty. Shovel that shit onto the garden or into the garden cart and then move it and dump it and rake it to where you need it. I don't even know if I'm capable of shoveling horse shit anymore and yay and verily I tell you- it was when my then-boyfriend saw me shoveling horse shit off the back of his truck that he fell in love with me, knew that he wanted me to be his wife, the mother of his children. Well, that and the biscuits. And...you know.
Thank god I can still make biscuits or he'd probably have grounds for divorce.
And what to make for dinner?
Okay, don't laugh- I've run out of ideas. Run the fuck slap out of ideas. I'm tired of coming up with ideas for meals that are healthy and taste like something you'd want to eat.
The dogs are filthy and so in need of grooming that I'm ashamed and embarrassed and I have to at least wash them before I can take them in and I keep thinking they'll die but they won't, they don't, they stumble into walls and fall off the steps and you have to place treats directly into their mouths or they can't find them. They stink so bad that yesterday Owen told Buster to get away from him. And Dolly smells about ten thousand times worse than Buster.
And, and, and...it's time for me to renew my CEU's for my nursing license and dear god, what a joke. I couldn't function in a medical setting if my very life depended on it and yet, I can't seem to let that go. I mean...what if my life DID depend upon it?
How can I be this overwhelmed on such a beautiful day? Because it is a beautiful day. The clouds are drifting away, the birds are singing and although it's chilly and going to get cold tonight, it is still springlike and thus, my soul should be happy and it is, oh, it is, I am not anxious. Perhaps crazy, but not anxious.
And Jan Brewer, the governor of Arizona vetoed that stupid, stupid bill that would have allowed people with sincere religious beliefs to deny service to gay couples and the Texas gay marriage ban has been struck down as unconstitutional by a Federal judge and so slowly, slowly, the last dying sparks of homophobic, bigoted laws are being snuffed out although there is still so far to go. But I hold those two things close to my heart with hope like two perfect buds of flowers, the possibility of equality for all humans to love and marry the person of their choice a reality.
So. One step at a time, as with everything.
I need to take a walk, I need to take the trash, I need to do the laundry, I need to try and shovel some shit, I need to try and create some order within my house, my mind, my garden, my soul. I need to know that I cannot do it all today. As the anxiety clears, I am left with the reality of it all, the need to come back to life, this life which is a good one, such a good one, even if there are dead flies on the windowsills.
I made my husband an egg sandwich this morning for him to eat on his way to work because he got up and drove to Monticello to pick up the deer sausage at the processor's and so he was running late and as he left, I said, "I love you, my precious."
"I love you too," he said. And I knew he meant it.
That's what's important.
And I need to remember, even as my brain feels crazy (but a different sort of crazy) that it truly is one step at a time, all of it, whether in the realm of human rights or of the shoveling of horse shit.
I'm not sure any of this has made any sense at all but good morning.
I am doing my best and I know you are too.