Thursday, February 27, 2014

I'm Not The Little Red Rooster But I'm Okay

I posted my first Facebook update status today in perhaps months or, hell, maybe ever, that wasn't a link to an article or to a blog post.
Here's what it said:
"I am still capable of shoveling horse shit. Somehow this is incredibly reassuring to me."
I thought that was appropriate for Facebook.
And to be honest, I didn't shovel that much horse shit. Just enough to work into the soil for three good rows of potatoes and then I turned it with a shovel and then I planted my potatoes.
There. Done. In the ground.
I feel much relieved.
And before I did the gardening, I took a good and fast walk.
So of course I've had to take a nap but so what?
I took the trash and did four loads of laundry and I didn't kill the dogs nor did I wash them nor did I wash anything else but dishes. I didn't dust, I didn't clean. I swept the topsoil from the kitchen.
And I am happy enough with all of that.

Tomorrow will make two weeks I have been on the antidepressant.

Can it really have been two weeks? I feel like a completely different person. I am not hanging on for dear life. I still have worries and concerns and I beat myself up for perceived inadequacies but that's just me. I will never not be a worrier. I will never think I am good enough. If I suddenly woke up and felt none of that, I would not have the slightest idea who I was. I think this is important to remember about antidepressants. They do not change who we are, essentially. They just make it easier for us to be that person when we are, as an old neighbor of ours used to say, "Reaching up to touch bottom."
I am still me. Still Mary Moon who loves her family, to dig in the dirt, her chickens, her house.

Ms. A who comments here sometimes, sent me a link today with some great chicken-related stuff on it. Here's one picture that I think is mighty fine.

Here's another one that tickles me.



And oh yeah, I still love the Rolling Stones and here's another thing I snatched off that chicken page.




A website with chickens AND The Rolling Stones?

That makes Mary Moon happy.

And I can still shovel horse shit, albeit slowly. Which I do actually find incredibly reassuring.

18 comments:

  1. Back in horsier times, I actually kind of enjoyed shoveling horse shit.
    It made me mellow. Maybe there's something in it...

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  2. You feel like a completely different person and you feel like completely the same person, and that is the paradox of it, and the joy. I am so glad that heavy weight has been lifted from your chest. And I didn't have a doubt in the world that you could still shovel that horseshit. But now you know it too. Big hugs, dear woman.

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  3. I am so glad you are feeling a difference. Just hanging on is sooooo hard. I am happy for you, Mrs. Moon.

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  4. When I saw you post on Facebook, my world kind of twisted on its axis in a good way. The rarity of it all!

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  5. I can't see a chicken without thinking of you.
    This is just about as perfect a post as one could wish for.

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  6. Chickens AND the Rolling Stones! LOL! There's a combination I would never have expected.

    I'm so glad the meds have been working so effectively and you feel so much better. You certainly SOUND better. Yay!

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  7. I was really glad to hear you tried the antidepressants again. Having followed your blog for several years now I seem to remember that you've gone on them once or twice before in the last four years and were always happy with the results. I'd say stay on them for the duration. Of course I have been on a low low dose for years so I am biased - but I think it makes all the difference.

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  8. A- Composted horse shit is quite pleasant, actually.

    Angella- It IS a paradox, isn't it? So far this drug has been very kind to me. I purely love you.

    Denise- I guess we hang on until we can't and then something has to change. Yeah, that's profound, right?

    NOLA- I know!

    heartinhand- On my planet, at least!

    Sara- Thank you so much.

    Steve Reed- Trust me, I AM better.

    Jill- At this point, I plan to be on this drug for the rest of my life.

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  9. Mary Moon it is good to hear you are feeling so much better AND still you. And you shoveled your horse shit!
    The chicken pictures are delightful and I love the new header.
    Have a wonderful weekend.
    xxoo

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  10. Ms. Yo- YOU have a wonderful weekend. Perhaps we shall both wash our dogs. Which will be wonderful when it's done.

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  11. Oh my, those chicken pictures, and that song - thank you! So glad you shoveled your shit in your overalls, and you can cross the potatoes off your list.
    Also very glad the antidepressant is doing it's job. I feel like a stranger to myself more than I think is normal these days, and keep wondering who am I and who should I be. It's so strange. I think I'd be crazy lost without my little family and friend circle to keep me tethered.
    Thanks for the smiles with this post.

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  12. asheville cabbieMarch 1, 2014 at 7:45 AM

    I'd shit is ay shoveling horse shit is a prerequisite for being on facebook.

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  13. asheville cabbieMarch 1, 2014 at 7:46 AM

    freaking typos

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  14. asheville cabbieMarch 1, 2014 at 7:50 AM

    I don't even know how that happened, my cursor just drifts around randomly. I -meant- to write "I'd say". Sorry 'bout that.

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  15. Mel- Yes. It feels good to have those potatoes in the ground. And it feels even better to be feeling better. When I get into my major anxiety I withdraw from friends and even family which is the worst thing I could do. And I know it, even as I do it. So maybe you aren't as crazy as you think, sweetie.

    Asheville Cabby- I got what you were saying. I really did. And I agree.

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  16. It is amazing that anti-depressants can make things better. My wife is doing well on her new meds. I take an anti-anxiety med in a small dose that evens things out. I'm glad for modern medicine and not having to be f'ing crazy.

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  17. Syd- It's just a freaking miracle how much better I feel. I swear. I am so damn grateful.

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