I posted my first Facebook update status today in perhaps months or, hell, maybe ever, that wasn't a link to an article or to a blog post.
Here's what it said:
"I am still capable of shoveling horse shit. Somehow this is incredibly reassuring to me."
I thought that was appropriate for Facebook.
And to be honest, I didn't shovel that much horse shit. Just enough to work into the soil for three good rows of potatoes and then I turned it with a shovel and then I planted my potatoes.
There. Done. In the ground.
I feel much relieved.
And before I did the gardening, I took a good and fast walk.
So of course I've had to take a nap but so what?
I took the trash and did four loads of laundry and I didn't kill the dogs nor did I wash them nor did I wash anything else but dishes. I didn't dust, I didn't clean. I swept the topsoil from the kitchen.
And I am happy enough with all of that.
Tomorrow will make two weeks I have been on the antidepressant.
Can it really have been two weeks? I feel like a completely different person. I am not hanging on for dear life. I still have worries and concerns and I beat myself up for perceived inadequacies but that's just me. I will never not be a worrier. I will never think I am good enough. If I suddenly woke up and felt none of that, I would not have the slightest idea who I was. I think this is important to remember about antidepressants. They do not change who we are, essentially. They just make it easier for us to be that person when we are, as an old neighbor of ours used to say, "Reaching up to touch bottom."
I am still me. Still Mary Moon who loves her family, to dig in the dirt, her chickens, her house.
Ms. A who comments here sometimes, sent me a link today with some great chicken-related stuff on it. Here's one picture that I think is mighty fine.
A website with chickens AND The Rolling Stones?
That makes Mary Moon happy.
And I can still shovel horse shit, albeit slowly. Which I do actually find incredibly reassuring.