Well, if the purpose of hypnosis is to induce general feelings of anger and despondency, I would say that today's session was a rousing success.
I am just being honest here.
And quite frankly and quite honestly, I don't think this is going to work for me.
I am not saying that hypnosis doesn't work or even that it would not work for me. However...
Oh fuck it.
He wants to do EFT next week. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique and from what I've read, it sounds as if it very much relies on the placebo effect and not that I'm dissing the placebo effect but I just can't really believe it's going to do much more than cost me a bunch of money.
The doctor who does these sessions is quite elderly. Nothing wrong with that. And to give credit where credit is due, he IS a retired physician. There was no acupuncture used today although sometimes he does use acupuncture. It went about as I thought it would. A little talking and then he said that he was sure he could help me, that anxiety is actually his specialty and that he has been doing this for almost seventy years. I'm almost certain that I've heard that he's 85 so...did he begin his training at the age of fifteen? Did he get one of those courses they used to advertise in the back of comic books?
See. I shouldn't be having these thoughts.
He put earphones on me and there were the expected sounds of waves and seagulls and new agey "music" which I've never considered to be music AT ALL and it would build and then fade and the waves would kick back in and the seagulls would begin to shriek which was disconcerting because I was trying to visualize myself in Cozumel and I don't really remember seagulls being in Cozumel and so that would distract me from my visualization and his voice also came over the headphones which was also disconcerting because I could hear him in the room as well. I mean, he was only about five feet away. And he led me into a guided relaxation not unlike one you would experience after a good yoga session in savasana.
"You will feel tingling in one or both hands or perhaps around your eyes. Lift your index finger for yes, your little finger for no.
Little finger duly lifted.
Then I was told that one of my hands would feel very heavy and again with the fingers. I indicated that yes, one of my hands did feel very heavy and I suppose it did although in that state of relaxation, what doesn't feel heavy?
And then I was told to allow my stomach to feel the clenching, nervous feeling it gets when I am anxious and so I did my best to feel that and then I was told to touch my thumb to my forefinger very tightly and to move the anxious feeling in my stomach to the fingers, etc.
Okay. I swear. I was trying. I wasn't fighting it. Hell, I wanted this to work. However, I frankly don't think that the physical sensation of my stomach being unsettled needed to be addressed on the first visit. It's not like I'm developing an ulcer or that the sensation of feeling as if I'm about to go onstage is really a big part of my problem. That is merely a symptom of the anxiety disorder and as such, it doesn't really bother me. So I don't really feel like eating sometimes? Big deal. I ain't in any danger of starving to death at this point. Trust me.
When it came time to "bring me up" he said he would do a countdown and started at 5 and I was perfectly able to feel pretty darn conscious even when he started the countdown and his voice grew louder and louder as he got closer to 1 at which point he was almost shouting and my eyes had been open since four so that made me laugh.
"You feel very emotional right now, don't you?" he asked me as he flipped on the lights which did, in fact shock me.
"Uh. No. Not really."
I did, however, when I went to pay.
And then I got angry and I'm not sure why. It wasn't just the cost. I knew approximately what the fee would be. But I started thinking about the EFT and the tapping on energy meridians and I'm sorry. I'm just not that kind of woman. I know that acupuncture can work. It worked miracles on my husband when he was crippled from sciatica. And he didn't particularly believe it would help at all when he went in the first time and now he's a convert for sure. It didn't do a thing for my hip pain but I'm sure that different ailments respond differently to different treatments. And this doctor, this very doctor I saw today stated that acupuncture is not that effective in treating anxiety and isn't EFT sort of a continuation of the acupuncture theory? That there are energy pathways in the body and they can be opened or unblocked via needles? And with EFT through tapping?
I don't get it. And I don't think I WILL get it. I don't especially want this man tapping on my head and face.
I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing and if things don't improve with time, I will ask for an antidepressant which can also help with anxiety and that's that.
I will continue to walk and to exercise. To eat as well as I can. To face the realities of my life and try very hard to believe that there will be an end to this. To have that simple thing with feathers, which is hope.
In a semi-related way, another of Matt Haig's blog posts which I read today rang so very true to me. You can read it HERE and it is short. It addresses the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman, free will, addiction, anxiety and depression. I think that Mr. Haig is an incredibly empathetic person and when I read his blog posts or his fiction, I get the feeling that he has such a tender and loving attitude about humanity which is sadly a bit rare.
Perhaps I believe in the healing powers of love more than I believe in the healing powers of moving an anxious feeling in my stomach to my thumb and my forefinger pressed together. Although- trust me! I will try that if my stomach begins to bother me too much.
So that's my report on being hypnotized.
After I was done at the doctor's office (which made me feel anxious, because it was IN a doctor's office) I went to a place that sells cosmetics and I bought some of the stuff my friend was using that I talked about on Sunday. I walked through the place feeling...angry but I bought it and I sprayed some Chanel on my wrist but I didn't buy any and I drove home to Lloyd and ate some leftovers and took a little nap and then got up and in a frenzy, swept and mopped and washed rugs and threw away some of my dead porch plants and sewed a button on some shorts because it is warm enough to wear them and swept the front porch and gathered two eggs, one blue, one green, and my husband is on his way home and I'm still feeling a bit angry, a bit despondent.
I'm tired of feeling this way but as I said, I do have hope and if one has hope, all is not lost.