I'm just hanging on and hanging in and that's about all I can do.
I did indeed get a call from my primary care NP and I have to go in tomorrow to discuss the results of my blood work. If I get a call-back from the mammogram people that will come in today or tomorrow. Most likely. I'm just so over this. All of it. There's part of me that says that it's a choice I could make to never go through all of this again. To simply die of something that could have been detected earlier and would that be so bad? Well, yes, because one doesn't usually just keel over unless the undetected condition was cardiac in nature and even then it might not kill you. It's not death that worries me, it's the thought of illness and suffering and being a burden on my family.
Which makes me just about like everyone on the planet I guess.
I am not special.
My opinion of the entire medical profession has sunk to new lows after reading THIS. It is Elizabeth Aquino's response to THIS.
Sure, do a study. Check out the placebo effect in children whose cognitive abilities have already been destroyed not only by constant and unceasing seizing but by the ineffective drugs that have been prescribed to them by the experts.
I am angry.
I am so angry.
I am angry about this issue and I am angry about all of the women who have been told that their bodies are not capable of giving birth the way nature has evolved it throughout thousands of generations nor are their minds capable of dealing with the pain. That any gestational period which goes past forty weeks is a risk and must be rectified with drugs to induce labor. That shooting developing fetuses with ultra-sound rays has no negative effects. And on and on and on.
Which has nothing or everything to do with my anxiety about tomorrow's appointment and the possibility of a call-back from the mammogram people and the studies on all of that, some of which are already being called flawed and who do you trust and what do you do?
In the case of parents who are giving their children an untested elixir made from cannabis and seeing miraculous results, you call bullshit and give your child what works.
Well, another day to get through and the sky is like cold steel and the wind is whipping that arctic air in and the boys are coming for a full day and I am quite frankly exhausted from the getting-through-of-another-day and never feeling at peace or at rest for one moment except when I lay down in my bed again and sleep the sleep of the dead. Of thinking, after tomorrow, after next week, I can relax. And then not being able to at all.
I am ready and more than ready to ask for an antidepressant tomorrow which will help with anxiety. I wish like hell that cannabis worked for me because I would trust that far more than I trust these drugs that they're not really quite certain about how they work but sometimes they do. But I am desperate.
And so that is me today. Angry and feeling a little desperate (a little?) and I have to gear it down because my grandchildren are coming and I must, must, MUST be good with them and loving and put all else aside. If I have one mission on earth at this time in my life, it is to take care of my grandchildren when they need taking care of and to do it with mindfulness and tenderness and cheer and love. They deserve that.
Here's a picture that Jessie just sent from Asheville, NC where the snowfall is now seven inches.
Be well, y'all. Let's hang in. Spring will be coming. Peace will be felt. Or so I keep telling myself and that is how I get through it.