Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Penises And Other Topics

My face is becoming an oozing mess. Lis can't come to Asheville with us. The handle on my kitchen screen door has rusted through. Anthony Weiner can't quit texting pictures of his penis to young women. Republican lawmakers continue to try and make laws concerning what women can and cannot do with their own bodies when they, the lawmakers, obviously have no idea whatsoever how those bodies actually work. AND PEOPLE ARE BEING HATEFUL ABOUT THE ROYAL BABY! IT'S A BABY! A TINY, INNOCENT LITTLE CHILD WHO COULDN'T HELP BEING BORN THIRD IN LINE TO THE THRONE OF GREAT BRITAIN.

Is it obvious yet that I really don't have much to say tonight?
(But truthfully, if I were Anthony Weiner's wife, I'd cut his wiener off which would be a public service and I'm not kidding, my door handle did rust through and honestly, my face is disgusting and I swear to you that these Republican lawmakers should SHUT THE FUCK UP OR ELSE TAKE A CLASS IN BIOLOGY, and honest to god- leave that poor baby alone. Can you imagine the postpartum depression that his poor mother will probably go through? )
One more thing:
Restaurant employees need to keep their penises off the food. If men feel compelled to touch food with their penises, they can touch all their own food in the privacy of their own homes they want to but not at work, okay?

Now. As your reward for having to sit through this rant, I give you this.

Tiny tree frog eating a moth. Isn't he cute? 

Oh. And I'm really depressed that Lis can't come to Asheville but I don't want to talk about it. 

Life goes on and quite frankly, I'm pretty happy I don't have a penis and also that when I gave my birth to my children, no one really cared except the people who loved me.

Night, y'all.


  1. Anthony Weiner's wife, I've decided, is just as big of a money/power hungry fool as he if she's putting aside every single shred of dignity she has in this way. It's humiliating. And nothing strong or inspiring about a damn bit of it. God. Only in fucking politics.

    My face is breaking out too and I feel like I'm 12, although I'm much fatter than I was when was 12. And that sucks even more.

  2. Sorry things suck right now. I didn't think your face looked that bad, but I hope it doesn't hurt. I think the frog picture is funny, because I recognize the bottle he is sitting on, bullfrog sunscreen. I love you, and I wish I could go to Asheville with you.

  3. Subway employees must be bored. I am sorry you Lis can't go with you on your much anticipated trip. I know you were really looking forward to that. Sweet Jo

  4. I've been very out of it today so to most of this post, my head is spinning and I'm crying out "WHAT????"

  5. Makes ya want to just eat at home, doesn't it?

    For more cheering up, I just sent you a picture of one of the hundreds?
    thousands? of tree frogs at my house;
    s/he is cuddled up in a geranium leaf.

  6. This is a good and worthy rant. Weiner's wife is SO disappointing. Grrr.

  7. I am so glad someone agrees with me about the royal baby! I think Kate and William must be over the moon! And Kate, god bless her would have had that same beautiful euphoric rush that all mothers get. Total and overwhelming love and the need to protect and nourish.
    I am happy for them.

  8. You always keep up with the most interesting news!

    I think a lot of the antipathy toward the royal baby isn't really about the baby himself -- it's about the outsized cascade of news coverage, fueled by uncertainty about the wisdom of maintaining a monarchy in this "enlightened" time.

  9. SJ- This is the work of that gel to find and destroy precancers on my face. And I'm fat too.

    Lily- It doesn't hurt but it does itch and feel weird. I wish you were going to Asheville with us too. Nobody can make me laugh like you. I love you, baby. And yes, that frog IS on the Bullfrog sunscreen bottle. Ha!

    Sweet Jo- Yes, and when men get bored, their penises come to mind.

    Elizabeth- You can't make this shit up. Now pay attention.

    A- And it is a darling picture.

    Betsy- Honestly. The woman is pathetic. I'm sorry but she is.

    Birdie- Exactly!

    Steve Reed- Oh, I think you're right. But it's NOT the little baby's fault. Or even his parents'. Bless his little baby heart.

  10. I love froggy! He's smiling and saying.. look what i've got!

    I wish Weiner and his penis, and his power hungry wife would just leave the limelight! Alas, that won't happen. Hence the ridiculous scene yesterday. And i don't understand all the hostility against the royal family either. This is happy news in a world that can be so full of crap!

  11. So you mention a penis and show a photo of a frog so fate is telling me that I have to tell the penis/frog story. Cliff Notes version.

    Three year old boy kept putting his hands in his pants. I told him for the millionth time to take his hands out of his pants. He becomes exasperated and says, "I can't help it my penis likes to be held. I wish I was a frog because frogs don't have penises"

    And then I left the room and about died laughing.

  12. I hate that Weiner is a Dem and is out there doing the Repub wag with his weiner. Damn--enough. But somehow I can stomach the sex addict Weiner more than I can the religious fanatics on the right who are probably doing the same as Weiner but pretending to be all holy about everything.

  13. Speaking of penises ... a couple days ago, my husband came in and said they (they raise organic beef) need to get a new bull, because one they have "broke his dink."

    I didn't laugh out loud, because of course a bull for breeding is worth a lot of money and now that guy will probably go into the deep freeze. Poor fella.

    But when i wrote a brief post about it, I was giggling like a little girl. And I have received three emails from my women friends, stating they giggled too.

    Maybe broken dinks are to women what farts are to men? Silly.

  14. Hey, I just read this interesting opinion on Weiner's wife. Made some sense to me. http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/07/24/huma_abedin_was_calm_composed_and_convincing_in_her_press_conference_with.html

    Sorry you're not feeling well!



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