I just got off the phone with May and I also spoke to Jessie and we are all so excited but it is occurring to me how much I am going to miss Lily and those boys. Hank, too, but we often go for days without seeing each other whereas I see Lily several times a week and yesterday when I told her and Owen and Gibson goodbye I pretended like I would see them today, before I left, but of course that did not happen and it is tugging at my heart so much.
Packing was easy as pie. I have traveled so much in the past year that it took me all of fifteen minutes but now I'm doing the little stuff- reminding myself to bring my hormones, my Benadryl, my almonds and coffee and the Keith Richards autobiography on CD as well as my Rolling Stones collection so that if, in the book, Keith talks about a certain song and how he came to write it or how he got a certain sound, we can stop the book and listen to the song and won't that be awesome? I think so. Who knows? May and I may not listen to it at all or we may listen a lot. Doesn't matter. We are going on a road trip and we shall do as we please, which is the very essence of an America Road Trip- this road or that? This route or the other? Stop here or stop there? In the end, it won't matter and we'll get there when we get there and we have people who love us at our destination and a grand place to stay which even has a Jacuzzi tub and a kitchen where one night, I am going to make tomato pies and arugula salad.
And even though I honestly keep forgetting that tomorrow is my birthday, the fact of the matter is, it is, and it will be the first of my birthdays of my entire life that my mother is not alive and I am okay with that. Every birthday, I would dread talking to her but of course I had to- she was the one who gave me life. Without her, there would have been no birthday. When I was in Asheville for my birthday two years ago I talked to her and I will never forget what she said which was, "Happy birthday to my first baby. Who lived."
Which. No. Did not make me feel good and all I could think about was her having a stillbirth full-term child and a miscarriage before I was born and all of that sorrow and what could I do but laugh a little uncomfortably and try, in my heart, to be understanding but it was hard, as the image of death and blood had been handed to me so easily, as if on a silver tray for my birthday.
But tomorrow, I will not have to have that call which could always go so horribly wrong and I will be on the road with May and if the Jesus y Maria taqueria in Omega, Georgia is open, we shall stop and have frijoles and tortillas and salsa and grapefruit sodas and we shall stop wherever we want to stop and I shall eat M&M's if I want and believe me, knowing me and May we shall stop for coffee and peeing about every forty-five minutes.
A good birthday for me because I do like my birthday, I just don't want anyone to make a big deal out of it. I can make it within my own self.
Lon and Lis are in Sopchoppy, Florida tonight, playing, and Mr. Moon is on his lawn mower, loving it, and I am going to go figure out something to make us for supper.
I am going to miss him.
And it is odd- he is always the one who leaves while I stay behind and I worry. Will he figure out what to eat and will he get his laundry done and oh, hell, he'll probably have a great time, playing poker on his phone into the wee hours but I will miss him. He is the other half of the sky for me.
So. Tomorrow I turn 59 years old and I feel every moment of it and at the same time, I feel like a little girl and I feel like life is passing so quickly and that we never, ever know what is around the next bend and that can be either incredibly exciting or horribly frightening and it can be both at the same time and I will wake up on my birthday with my husband beside me and Lon and Lis here and then May will come and we will load up the car with our clothes, our pillows, our excitement/anxiety/anticipation/Keith Richards autobiography/appetites/thirsts/electronic devices and their chargers and everything else we think we shall need and probably a few things we won't need and we will head north and I will be 59 and I better make supper now and this place I live and my grandsons and my other daughter and my son and my husband and my chickens will be here when I get back.
What a life. What a fucking incredible life in its own quiet way.