Thursday, July 11, 2013

That Girl's Just Insane

Aw, I feel brokedy and strange. Today while I was tending my boys, I suddenly realized that I couldn't quite see the right side of Gibson's face.
Oh no.
Not the dreaded migraine-related visual disturbance.
But yes.
Soon the jagged zigzag color, bright neon was there and oh, it was not wise to be alone with those children even though what I always do is just have the visuals and then feel a bit weak and over-boiled and what if this is a stroke? What if, what if, what if?
I called Lily at work and confessed my malady, my fears and continued to cook the boys' lunch, Owen's favorite- seashell noodles with cheese and butter- and cut up watermelon and had a minor panic attack and contemplated calling my neighbor just to come and be here in case...what? I was dying? Not for me but for the boys. I thought about how they would feel, their Mer Mer passed out on the floor, their fear, their terror. The noodles boiled over and burnt.
Lily came and by the time she got here, the boys had stuffed themselves with noodles and the zig-zags had retreated but I was so tired, so weak. I crawled in the bed and thought about how I wished the rain would come again to make me feel less inappropriate to this lying down and the thunder began to rumble and then the rain did come and I slept. I slept and woke up to the rain pouring off the roof, the yard half underwater and I was so hungry and got up and ate bread and butter and then slept again.

Let's face it- I'm fried. Neurons and nerve endings, gone, sizzling, neon blue zigzags, pick up the baby, take deep breaths, even he knows something is off and Owen says, "I thought Daddy was picking me up," and I feel a failure.

I feel a failure for not being able to finish a Mer Mer shift. I feel a failure as a wife, as a woman, as a human being with the capability and opportunity for anything. Anything at all. I feel as if I should have planned more for this part of my life when things change at the pace of puberty, only backwards, but... come on. I never thought I'd live long enough to make a dream for, much less a plan for, the Rest Of My Life.

Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown.

We don't have nervous breakdowns any more. We just have depression or anxiety or hormonal imbalances.
Fuck that. Sometimes we do actually and indeed have nervous breakdowns.

This is the way it is. Tomorrow will be different. If there's one thing age has taught me it is that- to know that tomorrow will be different.

I think I should get back to the water and perhaps that is why I am loving all of this rain. I don't know.

I'm pinning my hopes on tomorrow. I am pinning my hopes on sleep.

I'm pining for the blue water and sky and wishing I were more prepared for this part of my life.


  1. Mr. Downtown- I know. I know. I know.

  2. Aw man, Mary. I know a nervous breakdown. I know brokedy. And I know you're absolutely not a failure, And jezus, I've done the same thing: called my friend to come over because I think I'm having a stroke or a heart attack and what if Jonah finds me dead on the floor! etc. Mexico sounds like a good idea. Tomorrow sounds like a good idea. And apropos of nothing, today at the grocery store I saw a woman who was your twin, at least as much as I can tell by what I've seen here. And i got momentarily excited because I got to meet Elizabeth A, and now here was my other blogging celebrity, Mary Moon? But. Sending all good vibes from Michigan.

  3. Tomorrow WILL be different.

    I've had two of those flashing light migraines and the first one scared me SO much...I almost took a cab to the hospital. It was awful, and I can't imagine how scary it was to be experiencing that with the boys there.

    Lily understands, just as you understand when others can't finish a childcare shift. I'm glad you slept. You're wiped.

  4. You are not alone. I have had a week of migraines and my body has betrayed me in a number of ways over the last 3 years and I am a few years younger than you and it just sucks. And it is hard to try and keep fake spirits up when you are physically breaking down in ways that you never expected and are so unaccustomed to. Plus the year you've had so far with so much change and to try to carry on each day as if all is well when it's not... I get it. I too feel disappointed in myself and yet less alone when I hear others experience similar things and for that I am grateful. Luckily amidst this aging earthquake there are rumbles of pure goodness. Here is to a better tomorrow. Sweet Jo

  5. Oh Mary if I were there I would lay you down where you could hear the rain then I would lie beside you quiet almost invisible then when you felt better I'd brush your hair and make you cinnamon toast then butternoodles. Then I'd wash and fold your laundry then play some Bach for you.


  6. I'm here. Feeling kind of lost for words. But here, holding you with love.

  7. I can tell you with the highest degree of certainty that yes, nervous breakdown DO exist. I called you in the middle of my last one! Thank you for that.

    And personally, I'm not sure if any of us is really prepared for any part of our lives... not really. I think some of us think they are or appear to be, but honestly... I think those people are rare at best.

    Wishing you relaxation and comfort in the fact that you are indeed living a good life and are no doubt exactly where you are supposed to be...well, except for maybe Mexico.

  8. Radish King's comment made me cry. As did Sara's -- oh, my. You are indeed loved. Me, too.

  9. what's happening? are you ok? i've been so lost in my own world, I already know I can't babysit, I just can't - I need all my resources just to get me and my mister through why am i saying this,
    how are you?

  10. Mary, not to worry. They are opthalmic migraines. My sister has had them for years.Inconvenient, scary and painful, but not serious. Hope that helps.

  11. It is very scary to be unsure of what's happening when such symptoms appear, not to mention when you're alone with beings who depend on you.
    I kind of live with one foot in that place. I'm glad Lily could come, you could nap and wake up hungry and nap again. Be well!

    wv--lostsak. Is this a variation on sadsak?

  12. Dear Ms Moon, just as you once told me that I wasn't a wimp, I am now telling you that you are not a failure. So there. Go easy on yourself.

  13. Sara- You can be pretty sure I would never be in Michigan but I am, or at least used to be, a fairly generic white woman. I've had so many times when people thought I was someone they knew. Once a woman insisted I was her cousin. She did not believe I was not. She got angry at me for denying it. God. Life is weird sometimes, isn't it? It helps to know I'm not the only one. Thank you.

    SJ- Yes. It's scary and especially when you're in the position of keeping little ones. I am wiped. I feel like such a wimp. This is just life. Just life.

    Sweet Jo- You ARE sweet. I am grateful for you here. I truly am. You are a goodness.

    Rebecca- You know. You know. I wish you didn't have to. Love you so much for that. All of that.

    Angella- That's all I need. Thank you, sweet dear woman.

    Ms. Fleur- I wish I had your belief that we are exactly where we're supposed to be. I think I am having regrets that I haven't done more with my life and it feels like I'm on the brittle breaking edge of it being too late now. I don't know. I really do not know.

    Elizabeth- You're always there. Here. Thank you.

    Deirdre- Making it. That's how I am. Like you. Like all of us, I guess. It's raining here. I love that. Thank you. I feel your sweetness, your strength.

    Carol- I am just so grateful that I don't get the horrible painful headaches. Just a mild not-rightness in the head after the lights go away. And then the exhaustion. It could definitely be worse.

    A- Yes. I believe that I am a lostsak right now. You DO live with one foot in that place. I think of you and I wonder how you manage. You are tremendously strong.

    Sabine- Thank you. Okay. I'm trying.

  14. having a headache does not make you a failure.

  15. I hope you feel better today. It seemed like what was hurting the most was not the medical part but blaming yourself for things. You are teaching the boys they don't have to be perfect, that's it's okay to be sick sometimes, that trying hard is good but sometimes we just can't. They are so lucky to have you.

  16. It's morning here, there too. I hope you are better, ready to feed the chickens and walk through your garden and gaze at your beautiful house and look into this screen and see and feel all the love and support we come here to share.
    I hope you are better.

  17. I have had those eye migraines too and they scare you, but they are not supposed to be serious. They seem to hit when stress is whirling around and through you. The weather might play a part too. I sure hope you will be soon feel better. A failure? Never.

    Georgie J.

  18. Ellen Abbott- Oh. I know. It was just the electric neon tip of the whole damn iceberg.

    Anonymous- I know without a doubt that my grandsons' lives are a little bit (at least) richer for my presence in it. I do know that. I am so grateful to be able to BE present in their lives. It is a major blessing in MY life.

    Ms. Yo- I am better today. I have to be, you know? And my god, yes, I feel so much support here that it's scary. Scary and humbling.
    And good.

    Georgie J- Yes. I agree. I think that stress plays a role and weather may well too. Who knows? There are so many factors which affect us.

  19. You are superwoman to me. No failure--maybe you are simply overworked and need some serious down time.

  20. Syd- You are a sweetness in my life. Thank you.

  21. Brokedy. What a great word.

    All things pass!


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