Thursday, March 19, 2020

I Think It's Okay To Feel What We Are Feeling


You can't tell but that's wisteria growing way up in the sky, the vine twisting and grabbing onto trees. I know it's invasive but I love it.


There's a nice garland of it, hanging in my side yard. 
The bamboo is starting to come up. I suppose that Mr. Moon and I will have to kick it all ourselves this year. No little boys or little girl to help. They love to kick bamboo and I will miss watching them do it, often resorting to trying to pull it over with their hands. For those of you who have not been reading here forever and ever- we have a lot of bamboo and every spring it pops up where we do not want it to grow. If it is kicked over when it's just coming up, it won't grow there. If you miss a sprout, it will be five feet tall before you know it. 
Ah well. We have plenty of time to attend to this task. 

So. Hive locations today: Backs of hands on and around pointer-finger knuckles. This isn't too bad. It hasn't been as itchy or flaming as usual. I consider this progress.
But that doesn't mean it's been an easy day. First of all, Jessie texted me last night that she was not bringing the boys over as she just could not risk exposing us. The hospital where she is going to be working and where she's doing her retraining had two confirmed cases of the virus. I went into the Glen Den to tell Mr. Moon and I sobbed. This is the hardest part. I don't mind at all not seeing most of humanity. In fact, I spend my life avoiding just that. But my family- the idea of not seeing them for weeks and even months kills me. Or, well, doesn't kill me but strikes me in my soul as too cruel.
My babies, my babies, my babies. Our lunches are my lifeline. Our trips to the library in Monticello are my joy.
Suck it up, buttercup.
I keep thinking about Anne Frank. She spent over two years in that tiny attic and they had very little food, no internet, no books, no TV, no way to step outside for a breath of fresh air. They were completely cut off from the outside world except for the one woman who risked her life to bring them what they needed. And they knew the whole time that if they were discovered, the odds of death were almost 100%.
Compared to that, we're larking. We're so fucking lucky that we're worried about running out of toilet paper.
Still. It's not easy. As I always say, someone else's cancer does not heal my broken leg.

I have to start focusing on something. I can feel my brain oozing away from my ability to access it. Does this make sense? Probably not. Brain ooze. Crosswords are fine for awhile. They keep me distracted but they can also make me agitated. This is not the state of zen I need. For some reason I can't imagine a "project." It's like I am at once on high alert every second for some sort of major emergency and yet, at the same time, I am completely dissociated from it all. I went to go watch a movie and crochet but I couldn't find my crochet hook which was so confusing and insurmountable that I just gave up and went and laid down on my bed and read and fell asleep.
On top of it all, neither Mr. Moon nor I am fully recovered from the flu we had weeks ago. He's been on an antibiotic for almost two weeks and it has made little, if any, difference. I'm sure that the vast amount of pollen that coats our cars, the ground, the laundry on the line, everything, is not helping.
I did not walk today but he took a short bike ride. He brought me back some pretty swamp lilies.


I am sure that's not what they are really called but I am too full of ennui to even try to look them up. They are fragile as origami made of nothing but the luster of pearls. 
And yet, there they are. 

We watered the garden today. Now, more than ever, it is a joy and a comfort to see it growing, just as it is to find a few eggs. Last night we turned on the air conditioning because fuck it- it was 78 degrees in the house and if we could sleep better with it on, why not? 
I hardly felt guilty. 
And I am fully aware of how much better the planet is with so much less human activity going on. This is good. There are many things that are positive about all of this. I'm sure I could list some of them if my brain was working. 

I'm sure that tomorrow will be a better day. And as I keep saying and keep telling myself, we're all going to get through this thing. It's going to be a different world at the other end of it but as a friend of mine said on Facebook today, we are designed to survive and thrive. That we need to love the bodies we've been given and to love our neighbors as ourselves. 
Good things to remember. 

It is the spring solstice. It may not exactly feel like the beginning of new life but it is. 
And in the most profound way possible we are being reminded that we are all one. The entire world is feeling what you are feeling, what I am feeling and for this moment, our differences are so less important than this strange commonality that we all share. 

Let's stay in touch. 

Love...Ms. Moon







40 comments:

  1. I love how you open your heart for us. I wish it was warm enough up here to be outside, but I'm very comfortable not seeing people. Bless your heart, too.

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    1. Thank you, Dianne. I am so grateful to have this place to write.

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  2. Yes,indeed. Let's stay in touch. It is one world. "One World First" not "America First". I love the term "Glen's Den" but I am surprised that you are allowed in there without a visa. Glen is doing stuff in there that no woman - not even a swamp lily-loved wife should witness.

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    1. Well, most of the kids' toys are in the Glen Den too so it's really not that scary. It's where the deer heads and mounted fish and the TV is which is why it's called the Glen Den. I'm allowed in there to watch TV and crochet and oh yeah- that's where I iron too.

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  3. i am so so sorry about the boys <3

    xxalainaxx

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    1. Me too. Every minute of this part of their lives is all about change and I am missing all of those changes in my grandchildren. This literally makes me cry every time I think about it.

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  4. I understand your heartbreak. I am getting by only by not thinking too far ahead. You and Glen should rest up till the flu you had is well and truly gone. In the meantime can you FaceTime with those babies? It’s not the same, I know.

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    1. I can't even let myself think ahead at all. Even tomorrow is nebulous to me.
      I'm sure we could FaceTime the babies but they might not even be into it. If we have to go too long without seeing them we'll definitely try.

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  5. Stay close to your phone and talk to the grands and the kids, every, every day.
    Stay safe.

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    1. I called Gibson this morning for his birthday and he said, "Why'd you call me?" Haha! We are definitely going to have to make more calls.

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  6. My son called earlier and we did the video chat with the family. They are only 5 hours away and I havn't seen them since Christmas. It makes me cry too! My grandchildren are 9(twins) and seem so grown up lately. I must tell you how much I appreciate reading your beautiful blog every day.Thank you.

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    1. I'm glad you can video chat with your beautiful twin grands. Nine is a very grown-up-seeming age nowadays. My oldest grandchild is ten and it's like he's fifteen, at least. I forget he's not.
      Thank you for coming here and reading and taking the time to comment.

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  7. Yes, we feel how we feel. It's okay not always to be brave little soldiers. Much better not fight it. I think we're all feeling very sensitive now, with stress and uncertainty about what's "safe", as if anything were at any time. It's good that you reminded us we all feel pretty much the same right now. We all need to give and get encouragement.

    Hold on! If you fall we'll catch you!

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    1. Thank you, Boud! Isn't it amazing that all over the world people are feeling the same things? Going through the same things. I wish with all of my heart is was something more joyous but it simply isn't. Sigh.
      But yes, we can support each other. We're all going to need that.

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  8. Yes skype and facetime is helpful even though its not the same. Do you ever wonder if the "flu" that you and Mr. Moon had was actually Covid19? I ask that because I had the strangest flu at the end of February which was bad enough for me to go to the doctor. It didn't come out positive for the flu and they wouldn't test anyone who hadn't been to China within the past two weeks. Actually they probably didn't have a test. I keep wondering and would love to know if that was what it was.

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    1. I don't think we have Covid. The symptoms weren't right. Our coughs were definitely not dry and non-productive. I sort of wish it HAD been the virus- we would know we're immune. I wonder if you had it. It's quite reasonable to think that plenty of people have/had it without knowing what it was.

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  9. I am so sorry about the boys. But not surprised, sadly. Sleeping a lot is ok, I think, especially when still healing from the flu. Eventually your body should tell you it's enough.
    I am on a mental project of eating through the freezer, which is big enough and full enough, unfortunately, to last the two of us for quite a while.
    There may be some good things for the planet out of this, but that doesn't change the unhappiness it's bringing to so many individuals. Like you said about cancer and the broken leg.

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    1. I seem to want to conserve our food and I'm not sure why. It may just be a thing in my genes- a response to threat. I did just make a huge lemon meringue pie for no apparent reason except that I have a huge bag of lemons and know they won't last forever. I should squeeze them and freeze the juice, though. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I use a lot of lemons in my cooking.
      I've felt pretty darn good today. I'm glad.

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  10. I am so sorry...for you and for them too. Sending you a hug.

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    1. I just love them so much. It hurts my heart.

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  11. I'm so sorry Mary that you aren't able to see all the grandbabies. I'm thinking Zoom would be a great way for you all to connect all at once!

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    1. Huh. I know nothing of this Zoom. I'll have to check it out. Thanks, Elizabeth!

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  12. Just reread your post--How well you put it, "It's like I am at once on high alert every second for some sort of major emergency and yet, at the same time, I am completely dissociated from it all." That hypervigilance is so weird, usually not useful, but so hard to turn off. As usual, you voiced what so many of us don't have words for.

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  13. " It's like I am at once on high alert every second for some sort of major emergency and yet, at the same time, I am completely dissociated from it all." Yes. Exactly that. xo

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    1. That is how it feels. Dissociative panic. To me, at least.

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  14. This is a time off small and great sacrifices. We may as well cry. I'm still feeling sad about small losses and in denial about the big ones to come.

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    1. It's all the small losses added up that can hurt so much. Of course I say that now and please don't let any of us experience the big losses. Stay safe, dear Jo.

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  15. Trying not to think too far ahead these days. So back to the 70s with the old expression...Hang in there. Even if some/most days it feels like it is just by your fingertips.

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    1. And Be Here Now. I keep thinking of that. Grounding ourselves is important. We need to be conscious and aware, don't we?

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  16. I'm sure the news and this pandemic are not helping your anxiety at all. Breathe. Garden. Find your crochet hook and crochet your grandbabies some afghans, a special color for each one.

    Sending hugs and love.

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    1. I did find my crochet hook!
      My anxiety is strangely fairly under control except for the hives and the dissociation. Situational anxiety is one thing and the weird, crazy, chemical kind is another. As I know YOU know.

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  17. I don't know that the world will be any different after this is over. not the first pandemic. I think the main impact will be lost jobs and closed for good businesses depending on how long it takes for this to subside and maybe a recession. China has had two days now with no new internal cases (39 new ones from people entering the country). I read that the stock market, after falling below where it was when Trump took office, has made some gains. Even now there are people who are claiming that this is all overreaction. a tea party republican restaurant (that has already been struggling to survive because this town is ready for the concept of local and organic) owner here is angry about the order to close except for take-out, thinks it's overreach by the government, that freedom means letting each individual get the facts and then do what their conscience dictates. well and good when there isn't a fucking pandemic. selfish people continue to be selfish.

    hang in there Mary. this will come to an end and if it doesn't we'll all be dead and won't care. read, garden, take walks, facetime and skype, sew. as soon as I finish putting the bathroom back together I'm going to do some watercolor painting (she says).

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    1. Yes. And I am going to make a new dress. (She says.) I am not even trying to predict what the world will look like when this situation is back under control worldwide. If it ever is. If I'm here to see it. Like you say- if not then I won't care. Still, strange times. Times I never thought to see.

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  18. The commonality is weirdly comforting -- the fact that all of us are dealing with this as best we can. I kind of agree with Ellen. I think we'll be somewhat back to "normal" sooner than we all imagine. Maybe I'm just in denial, but not Republican denial -- I'm not pretending this isn't a crisis.

    I certainly hope you'll get to see the kids soon. You can Skype with them, or Facetime, right?

    I love those swamp lilies. So beautiful and ethereal.

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    1. I really, really hope that you and Ellen are right. Sadly, there is just absolutely no way to really predict.

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  19. you boomers are shutting down the entire economy because you're afraid of a flu. Seriously, can you boomers kill yourselves? You are the most selfish generation to ever exist. You don't give a shit about climate change, why should we young people give a shit if you get sick and die of some virus? I HOPE the virus gets much stronger and kills you all.

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    1. Oh my god! This comment, for some reason, just makes me laugh. Whoever you are, Anonymous, you are absolutely wrong in everything you said. Well, I'm sure you DO hope all us boomers get the virus and die. I truly wonder what in the world has made you this bitter and angry and closed to the facts? Go talk to the Italians about this flu. Ask yourself which generation started raising the alarm on climate change. (Hint- it wasn't yours, I feel certain.) Are all of us "boomers" perfect? OH fuck NO! Are we the most selfish generation ever to exist? I tend to think not but of course I could be wrong.
      I'm sorry you're so angry. I think you probably have good reason to be but I doubt it's actually the entire generation born after the war's fault. At least not entirely.

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  20. HAHAHHAA I think that a bot got into the mix here in comments...or somebody needs a nap. How silly, anyway, THAT vase just made my day! It is delicious- a color that makes virus's disappear and makes everything right with the world, pretty sure!

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    1. Lily got me that vase. She's gotten me some truly cool vases over the years.
      I really wish I knew who left that comment. I feel bad for them.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.