Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Another Day Of Truly Not Knowing Anything



Six miles this morning and it wasn't so hard even though it was hot and it was humid. There are several places on my walk which are so beautiful I have to stop almost every day to just take a moment to look. This is one, the way the trees' limbs unfold in knotty embrace to sky. The pictures never do it justice but it is magnificent.

For no reason discernible the anxiety today was very high. I thought the walking would dispel it and it did, for a few minutes, but then it settled back around me like a cloud of dust which had merely blown away long enough for me to rearrange my body again.
But look. Look at this family of cattle.


I had to go to town to get some things and I did but it was hard. I recently heard another thing about breathing properly to restore the heart rate and blood pressure to a normal state and I breathed all the way to town, in and then out, the out very slowly. 
Did it help?
Oh. Who knows? I still wanted to cry. And then that makes me want to cry because I feel so weak and so ridiculous. And yet of course, I did not die. I managed to imitate a fairly normal me, I think, Hello, hello, how are you? Fine, how are YOU? Fine. Did you find everything you needed? Oh yes, thank you. Have a good afternoon. You too!
I had torn my list off the pad where I keep it but had somehow not gotten it into my purse and yet still managed to get everything on it except for fresh ginger and I can live without that for awhile. I came home and unloaded everything, put everything away, and made my husband a coconut cream pie because he's been talking about one for awhile and I thought, why not? Food is love even if it shouldn't be and sometimes when I feel that I'm not keeping my end of the love bargain, if I make him something he truly wants, it makes me feel better, at least. 

So. Busy, staying busy. Moving as constantly as possibly, doing whatever comes to hand to be done and none of that is ever truly done so it's free and endless therapy. 

Maurice is snoozing on the newspaper a few feet from where I'm writing this. Her eye looks almost completely well. Again- golden seal and neosporin. And I was giving her saucers full of milk and nutritional yeast- the hippie's best all 'round tonic. I drank it daily during each of my pregnancies along with raspberry leaf tea and I had four good strong babies and that proves nothing at all but it's what I did. 

A reader named Allison Mohr sent me some information she found in a Wikipedia article about Jungle Fowl and it's a very interesting article. I am now thinking that Hawkeye is a rooster of that variety and if what Wikipedia says is true, Jungle Fowl are actually pheasants and not chickens at all although they are all related. The bad news is that the more I read, the more I find that the Red Jungle Fowl roosters are very aggressive fighters when it comes to other roosters and so here we go again. But I sure would like to see Hawkeye grow up to look something like this. 


We will just have to wait and see who grows up to be what and who. 

And now I am so tired and need to go make supper and then, eventually, I will be able to get in bed, to curl and stretch, to read and rest. To sleep and dream, the best escape of all and yes, that which often can knit up the raveled sleeve of care. 

Love...Ms. Moon

19 comments:

  1. Are those Florida Longhorns? Those are impressive cattle.

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    1. Longhorns of some type. Aren't they gorgeous?

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  2. That tree is magnificent. I love grand old trees!

    Coconut cream pie sounds wonderful. My banana pudding turned out pretty well, and I have to say that the cool creaminess of it is really satisfying on a hot summer night.

    Yep, food is love!

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    1. Banana pudding is a terrific dessert. Hell, I'd eat it for supper.
      Mr. Moon proclaimed this coconut cream pie to be the best pie he'd ever eaten. Which makes me happy.

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  3. well poo. don't need an aggressive rooster but they sure are fine looking. and coconut cream pie sounds delish but I have too many peaches ripe and so must make another peach pie. poor me.

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    1. Oh yes. Poor you.
      I was looking at Hawkeye this morning and his feathers are the most iridescent I've ever seen. The way the black feathers turn into green and bright blue in the sunlight is magic.

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  4. First let me say that I am amazed you can walk that long in that heat. Last week I walked maybe a half mile before I was completely soaked in sweat. That humidity is a killer. Though my skin hasn't felt or looked that good in ages! I found places like that too. The ones that make you stop dead in your tracks because it's so unbelievably magnificent. Second. Coconut Cream Pie. I thought that was made in heaven by an angel. And I guess I was right! Third and then I'm quitting the count. I had "big feelings" yesterday too. Mine were of the every little thing I did went wrong somehow variety. That always snowballs on me and lays me low and I too go ahead and try and imitate a normal me and that makes me feel even worse somehow. I want to fall apart and scream like a toddler dammit!

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    1. I guess I'm more acclimated to this weather than you are, Yolie. I mean- I would have to be, right? Still doesn't make it easy.
      I wonder if we all wouldn't be better off when we feel like toddlers if we didn't just act like them. For a little while, at least. But no, we have to get on with life and act like everything is fine, just fine. Which is living a lie when you think about it but it is certainly the socially acceptable way to act.

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  5. The man is looking for a rooster on craigs list, our old one passed a while ago, gently in his sleep...
    I forgot somehow, horribly, to shut the chicken door last night and one of my beautiful buff girls was taken by an effing raccoon. Heartbroken. The rest are fine and had scattered into the yard yelling about it so we corralled them all safely in again and shut that door tight. We thought we lost two, but the second one was hidden so well we didn't find her till morning. So now we have four... We put the meat bird chicks outside for the first time today, they are darling little mini roasts all prickly and poky with feathers trying to come in, hopping around and chirping.

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    1. We all do it- we ALL forget sometimes to close the chickens up or we wait too long or something. How many times have we done it? So many. We feel horrible and life goes on. None of us are perfect.

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    2. You speak the truth though it hurts...I went out and painted bright eye catching designs on their doors as a visual aid type of help...

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  6. This might be a completely ridiculous question but could a rooster be neutered? Would that calm him down, like it does cats and dogs?

    I'm glad you got your walking in despite the anxiety. These are anxious times, no denying it.

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    1. Well of course I had to google that.
      http://www.raising-chickens.org/castrate-a-rooster.html
      So yes. It is possible and people do it. And when I say "people" I mean NOT ME! Or my husband, either, I'm pretty sure. And I think that if I took a rooster in to be castrated around here, they would laugh me out of the vet's office. But it sounds like a good idea.

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  7. Beautiful tree. Handsome rooster. The colors!

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    1. For some reason, I think of you every time I pass under those trees. Maybe because I think you would love them so much too.

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    2. Mary, I would indeed love them! I love that you take me along on your walk in thought!

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  8. Love the cow family, they know stuff...they do not know anxiety or depression. And that rooster!! No throwing that guy in the pot. Love and remember your hippie remedies- brewers yeast - golden seal- raspberry and nettle tea-all still found in my cupboards. Used music and weed for depression, still good.

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  9. "doing whatever comes to hand to be done and none of that is ever truly done so it's free and endless therapy" That's a useful thought!

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  10. That is a beautiful tree. I've been feeling anxious and useless and just a general fuck up lately. I know my brain is lying to me but still I feel that there is nothing I can do right and I can't please anybody. It's a horrible feeling.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.