All right. Let me just say it- today, and this evening specifically, is the first time in I don't know how long that I've felt...good. Really fine. Like content and able to truly appreciate the beauty around me and look forward to stuff and feel as if I can, maybe, perhaps, look forward to stuff.
Not ecstatic or manic or rapturous or anything like that. Just...good.
Just...not anxious. Or not much, at least. There's a tiny bit of it racketing around my brain but what can you expect? I'm going to lunch with a friend tomorrow and that's causing a little pause in my heartbeat even though she is a person I love as much as anyone I know and whom I feel perfectly and truly and absolutely good with. She knows me and has known me forever and loves me anyway.
So. I think about that and the little pause comes and then I remember what fun we always have and I know it'll be okay and I'm so glad.
I went Christmas shopping for Lily's kids today with her. We met up early and went to Target and to Toys R (backwards) Us and got them babies some fun things for under the tree and I don't have the slightest guilt about not being here to watch them unwrap those things. For some reason, even though I am the Queen of Guilt, I really don't feel guilty about not being here for Christmas. I have no idea why but it does point to how much I really despise the holiday. I'm over apologizing for that and I'm glad that my grandchildren will have a lot of fun on that day but when I wake up in Cozumel on Christmas day you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm not going to have one wisp of regret for not being there.
But it's true.
Nope. No guilt. I'll look out at the water and think, "I am so glad I'm here."
Now I will feel guilty that folks are having to cook and serve my breakfast and lunch and dinner on Christmas day when they should be home with their families but that's another story and we'll tip very, very well, I'm sure.
So...back to shopping. We did that. We got those presents. Then we picked up Gibson and went to the Indian buffet and it was delicious and Maggie went mad for cucumbers and Gibson ate his butter chicken with such enjoyment and then we went to the Goodwill bookstore and books were bought for all of the children as well as a new matching game and after I took everyone home I came home and slept for an hour and a half. I think this medication may be making me sleepy but I don't care. Fuck it. I love to sleep anyway.
When I woke up, my husband was home and it poured down rain and then the sun came out just as the sun was setting and everything was electric with light and gorgeous and sharp.
To truly be able to feel that without the veil of panic in front of it.
That is all. To be able to feel without the veil of panic wrapping around the goodness like an ash-gray covering obscuring the face of a beautiful woman's smile.