Do we ever get over the feeling that everyone else in the world is cooler than we are, prettier, more capable and more at ease in their bodies, their surroundings, their lives?
I am struggling with this right now. Really hard.
The place we're staying is hardly the epicenter for the glorious and glamorous and yet, I still feel somehow less than everyone else. We sat next to some folks at breakfast just a few moments ago and he was a Jimmy Buffet looking guy with tattoos and an earring, she an exotic beauty whom I can imagine negotiating the streets of New York City or the helm of a sailboat. She was wearing shorts and a bikini top- not exactly a spring chicken- but her body was smooth and perfect and tan (what? me notice things like this?) and I just feel like a shlump, an old woman with an old woman body and an old woman face and even though there are women here who are older and even more grandmotherly in appearance than I, at least they dive, which I do not do.
I had a funny and telling dream the other night. This was before we saw the humming bird and in the dream, someone was stacking up things to sell at a thrift store and she thought they were some sort of very delicate china but I told her they were porcelain hummingbird feeders. Then I proceeded to tell her that I would be a good friend because I am very smart and say the word "fuck" all the time.
This makes little sense but in a way it may- do I now perceive myself as someone whose worth rests solely in my intellect and my love of cursing?
And just now the humming bird came back for another morning go at the flowers and I did smile, watching its emerald wings never ceasing, it's quick darting and sipping.
Anyway, it is a beautiful morning and I am not sure what we're doing today but I think we shall go snorkeling. Maybe down at Playa Corona. I have a pimple on my chin which seems ridiculous. I have ugly, ugly age spots which make my skin look like as if I've been bred with a leopard although got none of the beauty or grace. And I need to get out of my head and into the day and into the water where I am alien by my very presence and yet, allowed and I doubt the fishes will judge me because I am merely another human which is a huge club to belong to and one which I doubt they give much thought to except to be annoyed by.
As they so rightly should be.