Wednesday, December 11, 2013

When The Sun Comes Out

It's cold today and my joints creak and ache but it's clear and the backyard has a new carpet of gold and ruby leaves and I feel like yesterday I made a small but very important leap of growth in my heart about something, an awareness and acknowledgement of sorts which seems to have opened some windows therein, let a little more light shine through its chambers. A letting go of something that I have held on to so fiercely for too long when it did me no good and probably harm and it wasn't helping anyone at all.
I have said it before and I will say it again- it's all about light and love- but I will freely admit that as simple as that is, it is not easy for some of us. Most of us, I think.
To turn away wrath, as it were.
Wrath can feel so good. It can feel so righteous. It can fuel and propel us but do we want to go where it leads us?

Sometimes I think that all of science and all of religion and all of poetry is nothing but our way of trying to figure out our own hearts and its desires. To try and train and chain them, to try and let them fly and flee.

I know. I'm not making any sense.

The boys are coming back today as I said yesterday and I need to figure out some fun stuff to do with them that doesn't involve Tom and Jerry cartoons or Sponge Bob either. What interests Owen doesn't have much charm for Gibson and vice versa. Well, exploring the bamboo jungle does and hitting trees with big sticks makes them both happy. What IS it about boys hitting trees with sticks? Big sticks, twigs. Doesn't matter.
I don't know. It is just a thing. A basic, primal thing and today I feel as if doing only the most basic primal things is what I'd like to do. Not hitting trees with sticks but things like cooking and loving and letting the sunlight fill my eyes and leak into my heart and bones.

I think I'll go take a walk into this light-filled day. I feel at peace, I feel blessed. I do not take that for granted.


  1. I know what you mean--wrath isn't my poison but I do have to fight the urge to coddle my own despair. Sometimes. Your primal urges seem just right. There is nothing better than following our own rhythms, when we can.

  2. It seems something heavy has shifted. I am so glad for you. Love.

  3. Glad to hear you've been able to get more of that light in.

  4. Haha! Little boys are crazy. My nephew just started smacking his head into things on purpose. He turned 1 in May. We are expecting a girl in February, although I'm not sure anyone would choose a 13 year-old girl over a 2 year-old boy. Ha!

    Nice I found you again!

  5. Ms. Vesuvius- There are only a few people who bring out the righteous wrath emotion in me. It's odd. But it's real. It's horrible and thrilling at the same time. I don't need it.

    Angella- Tiny pebbles maybe. But yes.

    Jill- Sometimes it just happens, doesn't it?

    Beth Coyote- That is it exactly! A moment of grace.

    Avery- Are you AJ? If so- I've been thinking about you!

  6. Lovely. It does feel good to let go of some things. To release the power they have over you.

  7. Being at peace is a most wonderful thing. I treasure those times.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.