Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Resolve and Surrender

Let's be perfectly honest. Nothing that makes you look and feel like that is rational.
Or sane.
And it sure as hell doesn't come naturally.
No. I have not been digging a new septic tank nor have I even been working in the garden.
I've just taken a walk.
I'll be honest- I have not been walking regularly. In Cozumel we mostly walked from where we parked the scoot to wherever it was we were about to sit down and eat. When I got home there were a hundred good reasons not to walk- appointments, mainly.
Good reasons.
Except it used to be that if I had an appointment to do something at nine, I would get up at six thirty and get my walk in before I left. Easy? Hell no. But I had the RESOLVE to do it. When my children were young I would get up and walk before anyone woke up, which often meant I was up and walking by five-thirty a.m. Talk about resolve.

Back when I used to work at Weight Watchers, someone would always come up with that old saying that it took doing something x-amount of time or x-number of times for it to become a habit. I never bought that shit. AT ALL.
It may be true for things like putting your keys in a certain place when you come in or making the bed as soon as you get up, but when it comes to things like exercising, for me at least, it has to be a brand new decision every day. And every day I can come up with fifty good damn reasons not to do it. And believe me- in August there is only one you need and it's there every day- it is too fucking hot to walk. Believe me. There is absolutely no joy walking for me when it's this hot and humid. I see the most beautiful, pointy deer track and all I can think about is that the deer are smart enough to sleep through the day. I see the trees and they look as weary as I feel and today I noted the sycamores' leaves are starting to turn and that was the high point of my walk because maybe fall will come someday.
Every step is another step I have to force myself to take. Every pain and every drop of sweat a good reason to turn around. Every hot flash a fight with myself not to scream in frustration and misery.
It ain't no fucking fun at all.
And this is where resolve comes in and I realized today that it's not that I am out of the "habit" of walking, it's that resolve is just like a muscle- you quit using it for one reason or another and it will weaken and eventually disappear.
I think we all want resolve to magically appear and be strong enough to make us do whatever it is we want to do but I don't think it works like that. I think we have to force it and use it to make it stronger. And we can't force it with logic, believe me. Look at that picture. Does that look like a woman who made a logical choice to exercise?
No it does not.
And surrender comes in here somewhere, too. For me, again, anyway. I have to surrender to the fact that I do have to exercise for my body and my mental health, even in August. Perhaps especially in August when historically my mind has gone to places which are not good and caused my body anxiety which makes me ill. I HAVE to surrender to the fact that this is true and that exercise is one way to keep all of that in control.

Well. That's all I have to say today. I am resolving to exercise my resolve. I surrender to the need to do so. Logic be damned and I've never been any damn good with logic anyway.

And one more thing- Miss HoneyLuna is getting her knee surgery tomorrow. I have no idea what time because you have to call the day before and see where you are on the schedule. Does this make any sense to you?
I know the surgery will go fine. Honey is as strong and healthy as anyone but still- they're putting my baby under and they're going into her knee with lasers and cameras and who knows what all. Send her some good thoughts. She'll be fine but good thoughts won't hurt. She's my baby, you know. My five-foot-eleven tiny baby girl and I will bring her back and put her in the bed in the Panther Room where the sheets on the bed were washed and hung on the line and rinsed an extra time with a good cleansing rain and allowed to dry again so they will smell mighty fine. I'll feed her treats and maybe even watch old movies with her. I'll make her smoothies and I'll give her her pain medications and I'll comb her pretty hair for her if she'll let me.
Maybe I'll even read her a book.
That would be heaven, reading Harry Potter to that girl again.
We'll see. She may not be down long enough for me to take much care of her but I'm going to try and force her to surrender to my loving ministrations.

I resolve to try and make her do that.

23 comments:

  1. I'll pray to the Goddess of the Church of Batshit Crazy for HoneyLuna to heal up well and fast.

    You are loved.

    SB

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  2. I think resolving to exercise your resolve is not a bad way to go. If you don't want to do it then don't do it. I know we need to exercise but getting our head and body wired straight about the exercise takes some time every now and then. I have my daily battles with exercising, and sometimes you just have to give yourself a break. Good thoughts to Miss HoneyLuna. Hope everything goes well. And reading how you are going to care for her really makes me appreciate everything my Mom did for me, and makes miss her a whole bunch too. It has made me think happy thoughts so don't worry you did not make me sad.

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  3. I wish you luck with your resolutions, and I think you are completely correct in that some things are more forced than habitual. It's just easier to do them if one doesn't fall out of routine.

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  4. Keep me updated on the kiddo. I'll have the gas to come out there on Saturday and visit.

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  5. I completely agree with the resolve part, but can't you exercise somewhere with airconditioners?

    Such strength, getting up before the kids. I'm always so proud of myself if I get up fifteen minutes earlier for a shower and a cup of tea. No, I am not a morning person.

    I will be thinking of HoneyLuna, too. I hope you get to do all those things you are planning.

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  6. Love, love, love to Honey.

    I, too have had a hard time getting my butt out there to walk. It's just so fucking hot! Inevitably when I get out there I find myself turning back before I should and then I spend a while being down on myself for being weak or some such silliness. I prefer feeling lazy when I don't go at all. Pitiful, I know.

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  7. I have to con myself onto the bike everyday, even in my disturbingly positive current state. I'll just ride out of the hood, I'll just get to the woods and turn around, I'll just climb one hill, etc. You are not alone. Don't you feel great when its over and you can eat something without guilt?
    Sending mojo to your little girl as we speak!

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  8. Best of luck to Jessie tomorrow!

    And yes, resolve. I've been trying to find my own lately. Maybe it's under the couch.

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  9. Lucy had forced me to be consistent about walking in the morning. I don't break into a sweat, and I don't walk all that far, but it's something and something is better than nothing. I'll be thinking of Honey Luna tomorrow, I'm sure she'll do fine - she's a kid and kids heal fast.

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  10. Damn it to hell, I am so sad! I commented on this early todaym and blogger ate my comment. So-best wishes to Honey luna, and to you. Which isn't at all what I said earlier, but-you know.

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  11. SB- Thank you so much dear. And also, for the post you did for me. I loved and appreciate it.

    Mr. Shife- I'm glad I didn't make you sad and I hope I remind you of your mother. That would make me happy.

    Marsha- Yes. It's so easy, too, to fall out of a routine that is difficult.

    DTG- You won't believe how big the chickens are. I think Henry doubled in size today alone.

    Mwa- I just like to walk. It works for me. And I am not driving to a mall to do it. So basically- I'm being lazy when I make myself suffer. Makes as much sense as anything else I do.

    Xbox- Thank-you, sweetie. I'll tell her.

    Ms. Windy- Our resolve will strengthen in fall. I know it will.

    Brother Ball- I pretty much con myself into exercise every time by the same method. And once you're out there- it just takes over and you do it.
    And I don't feel guilty when I eat except when it's crap at two in the morning and that's rare. Life is too short for THAT guilt.

    Steph- Thank-you. Don't look under MY couch for any resolve. If it's there, you'd never be able to find it for the dust.

    Ms. Lucy- Dogs'll do that to you. And it's good for you to just get out there, even if you don't go at it like it's your job.

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  12. Kori-Whom-I-Am-In-Awe-Of- Thank-you, sweetie. Thank-you. We have to take care of our little girls, don't we?

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  13. I've been bad about my walking too - seems like only on weekends when I can go in the mornings is it even possible this month of August =( I always hate this blasted month too. October is my favorite.

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  14. You're inspiring me to quit my excuses and go take a walk. For my mental health. And I don't even have the excuse of heat since here in LA it's incredibly beautiful and dry.

    I will close my eyes and think of your baby tomorrow, hoping that things go well and that when they do, she'll allow you to baby her as long as you like!

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  15. mm,

    Honey Luna will be good as new, and will send out the prayers for good measure. Hug her for us.

    Harley will likely make her a "beautiful" card to help speed up the process.

    Hang in there your own self. I'll call ya.
    xo pf Ps I am impressed with the duration of your resolve. I thought you started walking when you lived on Edenfield. That is dedication.
    word verification... fedex? WTF?

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  16. I'm right there with you about exercise, heat, and humidity. Combining them is insanity.

    Best wishes and healing thoughts to your daughter! Hope her knee will be good as new! Having her Supermother take care of her will help immensely. It always has me!

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  17. you are making me laugh, then making me feel better, cuz i'm anxiety August too..batshit crazy...good vibes to your girl

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  18. I have adopted you as my Internet Mother. Sorry.

    The upshot is that I am self-sufficient.

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  19. Ms. Fleur- Lord, girl. I have been running or walking for over thirty years.

    Aunt Becky- Adoption papers in the mail. Bring me my grandchildren!

    Steph- Oh yes. The dog hair.

    Steph- It's a trial of our devotion.

    Elizabeth- She's good like that. I think she will.

    Maggie May- August equals batshit crazy. Let us just surrender.

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  20. Mr. Berry- I'm honored you said that.

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