Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Bible Tells Me So
Religion has been raising its head again and making me think about how I really don't have much tolerance for Christians who are only trying to save my soul, trying to prevent me from having to spend eternity in the burning pits of hell.
It's so acceptable for people to expect you to welcome this shit, too.
And it's awkward when this happens because I do have manners. I don't go through life trying to piss people off.
When we were in the Tallahassee airport to leave for Cozumel, one of Mr. Moon's bags set off some sort of alarm. The nice woman who had to search it explained that it was probably his shaving cream which had caused the problem. But she had to take these special little papers and swipe the entire bag and its contents and then pass them through a machine which would read the papers and tell her if there were dangerous substances in there.
My anxiety level was already a bit on the red side of the gauge and as we stood there, the woman swiping and rifling through the bag, I told the woman- for some reason (I'm crazy?) that traveling always makes me anxious.
I wasn't really talking about plane crashes. I don't worry about that so much.
But anyway, the woman says, "Honey, don't you believe in God?"
Well what are you supposed to say to that?
"No?"
Meanwhile, she has the power to call over the dogs, to have me strip searched and to put cameras up my butt as far as I know, all of which could cause me to miss my plane which was taking me to paradise.
What the fuck?
I mumbled something about "in my own way," and let it go at that. Meanwhile thinking to myself that yeah, god never, ever lets bad things happen if you believe in him. Haha!
Then last week I was talking to a woman who had, at one time, planned on becoming a nun and working with the Lakota Sioux. She told me that she just loved the Lakota religion and the way the Catholic church had incorporated elements of the Lakota religion into the Catholic religion to make it easier for the Sioux to accept.
"But then it wasn't the Sioux religion any more, was it?"
"Well. No. Not really."
"But if you think that the Lakota religion is so beautiful then why did they have to go and try and replace it with something else?"
"Because as Christians, we believe everyone should know and accept Jesus."
The Bible told her so.
And then last night I had a chat with the guy who cuts our grass who is a very nice man whom I respect. He's a good father and he works hard to support his family and occasionally we'll chat about gardens or chickens or babies who won't sleep at night. Last night, for some reason, he started in on it being the "end times," and as an example he cited gay marriage as being one of the sure signs of the abominations which definitely mean that Christ is coming back and SOON!
Okay. I had to say something.
"Well, I'm on the other side of the fence from you on there," I said, the mosquitoes flocking around my feet and drinking deeply of my blood. "I know lots of gay people and the ones I know have the best and most loving hearts in the world and I think they have the right to get married."
He looked at me like maybe I WAS Satan.
"Besides," I said, "I don't think Christ said one word about homosexuality being an abomination."
"His father did," the man said, "And that's all you need to know."
And then of course I had to get into my Leviticus speech about how in the same chapters there are strict rules about eating oysters and pigs, too, but we don't honor those laws.
"Well, it was the times," he said.
"Well maybe it was the times about that abomination thing, too," I said. "There's nothing in that verse that says, "Now THIS law is the one that has to be followed forever and ever but you can forget about that pork thing. Go ahead, eat all the pig you want. And shrimp and oysters, too because the meat of those creatures is really tasty and I, being a loving god, want you to enjoy yourself. Unless by enjoying yourself you mean being in love with a person of the same sex. That's wrong. But barbecue and oyster roasts? Where's the harm in that, my beloved little flock?"
Then he brought up Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah. I love it when Christians bring up Sodom and Gomorrah and Lot because Lot was a sorry son of a bitch in my book, offering the crowds his virgin daughters to rape instead of giving up the angels in his house, getting drunk on his ass and having sex with those very same daughters. Etc.
"That," I said, "Was a holy, good man in god's opinion? Then I don't buy it."
I think this guy was surprised that I know a little bit of the Bible. He studies the Bible daily. And when I brought up the vast number of inconsistencies in that book, he said that you have to read it "in the proper spirit."
Well, fuck that. Obviously I do not have the proper spirit.
I don't know. This stuff just makes me pissed off. And I'm sure that that man went away feeling certain I'm a sinner and bound to roast on the holy pit of Satan for all eternity and that's that- he did his job and tried to bring me to the Lord but you can't grow a tree on salted dry earth, etc. etc. Especially since when he left I was sitting out in my chicken coop with a martini, feeding my chickens by hand.
Hey. It was Friday night in Lloyd.
But what GIVES these people the right to try and shove Christianity down my throat? Oh yeah, the Bible.
I bet you anything that ninety percent of those people yelling at the town hall meetings about health care would call themselves Christians. These people truly believe that if there's a public option, run by the government offered in those bills that it's going to signal the complete and utter decent into socialism by the United States of America. And you know why they can believe this trash that their gods Limbaugh and Beck are feeding them? Because if you've been brainwashed enough to believe that the Bible is the word of god then you'll believe anything.
That's what I think. Why think for yourself if god and preachers can do it for you? Why bother to have a real thought in your head when Rush and Glenn are so full of them that they can't stop spouting them over the airwaves?
But who am I to doubt the Bible? Maybe I'm wrong and going to hell. Boy, I'll be sorry when I die and find out that I really did have to believe that Jesus died for my sins to get into heaven.
"Sorry," God will say, shaking his mighty white-bearded head. "You should have listened." And Jesus will weep because I was a lamb that got away and all those righteous people in the background will be shaking with suppressed laughter and pointing their fingers and they'll all start chanting, "Down you go, straight to hell."
Stranger things have happened, I suppose.
And I'm just a crazy old white woman who seems to be having more and more of a problem leaving her yard who thinks too much.
Oh well and so be it and thus it is written.
At least as it is written in the blog of Ms. Moon from the Mother Church of the Batshit Crazy.
At least I admit I'm insane.
And wait! Wait! Here's a quote from our local paper today from the religion (excuse me, FAITH) section. It's from a guy who got saved in prison and now lives a life of singing for the Lord.
He said, "If I had not gone to prison, I would either be dead or still locked up." Italics are mine.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
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i have come to the conclusion that if there was a hell, it would be like las vegas because las vegas is like every sin within its city limits, ergo hell should follow. i mean i dont get the whole sin thing in the first place, doing bad things is wrong so you go to the bad place for PUNISHMENT? again, if satan wants us to do bad things it's prolly more for the company in the nether regions then anything else. i cant believe in god and most certainly not in the whole heaven hell thing.
ReplyDeletehell is telling someone you have been abused and THEN THEY DONT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
i like to make people mad on occasion and some woman i used to work with told me i was going to burn in hell because i have tattoos. i told her that she would be in line in front of me with her damn pierced ears and she didnt have too much more to say to me about my immortal soul being saved after that.
you rock ms. moon!
Ha! When I read "in the proper spirit" I actually laughed out loud. And for a long time =)
ReplyDeleteI've heard lots of responses to that very question, but that one is priceless.
Miss Alaineus- Yes. It's all so logical.
ReplyDeleteSJ- Just gotta have the proper spirit and then all will be clear.
Just lots of yes, yes, and more yes from me.
ReplyDeleteI wish you could meet my brother.
Xbox- Why? Is he very religious or very atheist?
ReplyDeleteThe former.
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed that those crazy Christians can exist in the same country as Barack Obama and Tina Fey and, well, you. I'm always worried we will get some, but so far we seem to have been spared, barring the odd Jehova's witness.
ReplyDeleteI just fell in love with you. Not in "that" way. Although I am on the same side of the fence as you re that issue. Just for the record.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was raised in a wonderful family I adore, but even the most devout panic as they age and approach the "end," despite what they've preached forever. It just doesn't make sense. But you can't tell them that. Although you just did, very well.
Ain't it the truth, is all I can muster. I'd be there, gnashing my teeth with you between slurps of drink, if I could.
ReplyDeletepreach it ms moon!
ReplyDeleteXbox- Would he beat me up? With a Bible?
ReplyDeleteMwa- Yet another of our many charms.
Glimmer- Ah, the atheist in the foxhole.
Elizabeth- What? You're a vile unbeliever too?
Learner- You know I will.
Now you have to remember you live in the South of the US.
ReplyDeleteThere is less Bible larnin in other parts of the world. It's there, but it's in the minority.
Seriously? I'd be reporting that employee to the TSA. Some people are unbelievable.--Jenn
ReplyDeleteYour neighbor sounds like my mother. She suddenly became devout when she married her 4th husband, who happens to be strict Baptist I guess. What a strict religious man like this is doing with my mother baffles me, since I thought it was 'adulterous' to get divorced, especially numerous time. It irritates me to no end to listen to the evils of homosexuality, promiscuity, blah, blah, blah. It nearly killed her when I decided, as a SINGLE WOMAN to get pregnant. On purpose. She wouldn't even attend my baby shower. And the retired pastor of the church I was forced to attend as a child was telling everyone around town that 'the sperm bank baby' shouldn't be baptized. Funny, if my baby was the result of a drunken 1 night stand, they'd 'forgive my sin.'
ReplyDeleteSorry, but if I'm going to believe in God, its going to be a God who looks at what's in a person's heart, and certainly isn't going to condemn a newborn baby!
Ugh, this whole topic just pisses me off!!!
I've been thinking and saying this same thing after trying to figure out why too many people are getting dumber. I, too, blame these evangelical/fundamentalist churches that brainwash people by fear and guilt. Reasonable people know those are not ways to teach children how to become independent citizens who are able to make rational decisions. That's anathema to those churches. They want lemmings.
ReplyDeleteEnter Lee Atwater and Karl Rove who used Christian buzz words to manipulate the true believers into spouting their rhetoric for votes. I used to ask anti-abortionists (I refuse to call them pro-life because they aren't) and gay haters what the Bush administration did for them since they had 8 years and a Republican Congress. Had they abolished abortion, etc? I told them they never would either because they need that issue to get votes.
There are many of us in the closet about religion who need to stand up to them the way you do, Ms. Moon. Quote the Bible back to them and hold our own.
Another reason for the rampant dumbassery is No Child Left Behind. Just like the churches and Republicans don't want people to think for themselves, it's happening in the schools now, too. It's all about testing. I won't get off on this soapbox, too, since I've already gone on too long with this comment.
You are preaching to the choir, and I love it! Thanks!!
He certainly wouldn't attempt to beat you to death with a bible, but he may come close to irritating to death with nonsense quotes from it...
ReplyDeleteshit
ReplyDeletei spent an hour last night carefully composing a response to this post. and clearly it was lost.
boy am i pissed. i guess god is telling me to keep a lid on it...
Xbox- Okay. I'd rather meet you.
ReplyDeleteAdrienne- I doubt that. I think google is fucking up. I wish I could read what you wrote.
I just read this post this morning, and had to immediately read it aloud to Mandy as well. I love when you express your opinions and beliefs like this because you simply tell it like it is, and don't waste ANY time trying to convince us of YOUR rightness....which is what happens from most people. Thanks for being a wonderful advocate for peace and love Ms Moon.
ReplyDeleteAJ- Thank-you for liking this, AJ. I'm glad you lived from your adventure to read it. And Mandy, too!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, I'll probably be hangin' with Satan as I absolutely cannot wrap my mind around the bs logic either. It makes no sense, and I too get horribly offended when it's shoved down my throat, all of this unproveable, way out there beliefs, by the same folks crying that Harry Potter is evil and ought to be banned. It's a scary world out there, is it not? I also suspect it's religious morons who are brain-washed and refuse to think for themselves that are the fools picketing the town hall meetings. Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much you and I think alike. Like, a lot.
ReplyDeleteLike, I may just tell Martin he's a genius for sending me to your blog. And for serious, I don't like telling him things to make him feel good, so that says a lot.
(I pass by Lloyd all the time driving to my Mom's house. Don't be surprised if I show up on your doorstep next month.)
Angie- Yes. I MUST check out your blog. We owe X a favor. He's a hoot, isn't he?
ReplyDeleteAnd please stop by. Email me and I'll give you directions. It is so easy to find me off the interstate. I'm not even a mile from the exit.
Martin is a hoot? Let's not go too far in boosting his ego. Once a year is enough for me.
ReplyDeleteWe're driving through to Niceville in October, and we need a place to stop. LOVE to meet you (to make Martin uber jealous). He has a writer-crush on you.
Well you should stop here. And I have a writer crush on Martin so it works out.
ReplyDelete