Monday, August 17, 2009
Let's Start At The Beginning
I woke up this morning feeling better than I've felt in a long time. Maybe the passing of that distant storm, Claudette, washed me free. Who knows? Not me, I'll tell you that.
But Jessie and I went to yoga together and she was amazingly strong and flexible for someone who had knee surgery five days ago. It's a gray day and not very hot and it was soothing and peaceful doing yoga with my daughter with the trees and gray sky outside the windows of my yoga teacher's house.
I can never figure out what triggers anxiety and causes it to dissipate. I know I have some very concrete things I want to to do today. I started, finally, on a baby quilt for Lily's baby. I am not a quilter but that's never stopped me before. I am a cloth-tearer and measure-by-eye sort of woman and I'm not good at working out patterns in my mind and I don't really like to follow patterns either. Back when I was a young hippie mother I'd just make baby blankets with flannel and denim and use old blankets for the inner layer and they turned out beautifully but I was afraid to start Lily's baby's quilt because nothing in the world that I could make would represent how I feel about that baby. Nothing would be good enough.
So there. I have accepted that fact. Just go ahead and make something, knowing it's not going to be good enough or represent the love I have for that child already. Just do it.
Swish!
And so I started. I just started ripping strips and sewing simple blocks and then another idea came to me and I'm working with that and by golly, it's going to end up being a quilt and that is that.
My yoga teacher is an award-winning quilter. Her quilts are works of art. She's one of those very perfection-oriented people whose squares are measured to the millimeter and who then appliques flowers and bugs and beautiful things onto the quilt top she's made from her perfect squares. Having been exposed to her quilts probably had something to do with my reluctance to start. Knowing what a quilt CAN look like, I realize I am not capable of making such art with fabric, thread, knowledge and skill. But what I can do is make something warm and soft for this coming baby that can be thrown on the floor for him to lay on without hesitation. No one will worry about throwing one of my quilts in the washer- believe me.
And so I'm looking forward to working on that today, working with scissors and my old, old Singer sewing machine.
And I have an idea for a little piece I want to write for submission to a magazine. Phew! And so I think I'll start on that too. When I start to think about writing something, my mind begins to work on it and when I sit down to do it, words come. They may not be the right words, at first, but as long as I start, I know I can do it.
And isn't that the way with anything? Beginning is so daunting whether its making pickles or making a quilt or writing something, or losing weight, or even cleaning the kitchen. I think we all tend to think of the entire process and what it's going to require and it's just overwhelming. But once we start, the process so very often seems to have its own motion, carrying us through. And there is no way that anything gets accomplished all in one go, one whack. Unless you're talking about eating a marshmallow. That's easy to do in one simple step.
But life is not eating marshmallows, most of the time. It's taking on tasks that seem impossibly difficult. For some people, that prospect is thrilling and they can't wait to get started. For most of us, though, it's, well, daunting is the only word. And there are so many cliches about this- one day at a time, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, bird by bird, stone by stone, and so on.
And it's true. Tom Petty said that waiting is the hardest part and sometimes that's true but mostly I think that just beginning is the hardest part. Even if we get stuck in the doing, or fuck up, at least we're farther along the path and smarter about how to do it then we were at the beginning. Failure is just an opportunity to learn, or something like that and so it goes.
And maybe that's why I'm feeling so good today. I've started on something real and I've got something in my mind, cooking away, so in fact I've started that too.
What do you need to begin that daunts you? What have you recently done that once started, was so much easier than you thought it would be? And what are you in the middle of that you started with trepidation? How's it going?
Have you cleaned out your closets? Have you thought about training for a marathon? Do you want to write a book, a poem? Do you want to learn to paint? Have you recently started playing piano? How did you begin? How DO you begin? What's holding you back? What's moving you forward?
Tell us so that we may learn, too. So that we may learn to begin and lose some of our fear. Did you have to let go of the idea of perfection before you could touch the scissors or keys or paintbrush? Did you have to fool yourself into it? Did you find the process thrilling once you began? Did you look back and say, "What was I waiting for?" Did you find yourself in the middle and give it up and admit defeat?
What? Why? How? When? Where?
Tell us.
And I'll go work on my projects and they will be imperfect but I am excited anyway. I tell you, I am.
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Too many things unstarted here, one big thing maybe starting without me being sure of it, and yet-I feel peaceful with the waiting today. Life is too sweet today for anything else.
ReplyDeleteI have started to pretty up my house but am still daunted by making the curtains. That's one I definitely just need to start.
ReplyDeleteI did start a bottle of wine tonight (not alone) and that got finished, so at least I know I'm not a quitter.
I have my whole baby-making project, but that's definitely not happening just now. I never know how that project is doing. I seem to have no control over that.
And then there's the fact that I always thought I should be a writer, and I never thought of a decent book to write.
Shoot - that wine makes me reveal all. Better quit now.
I was afraid to go back to school, but I jumped right in. Of course, in the middle of every semester I feel like I want to give up...but I don't, and I won't.
ReplyDeleteOh, God. Why must you ask these questions? Lose weight, exercise regularly again, finish the dang book. And I don't know where to begin.
ReplyDeleteI now play piano, learn a new language every month, write three page haikus, visit the hurt veterans, defraud others through the mail, pick up truckers at the rest stop, repair small engines, started a ham radio club...
ReplyDeleteIt all started after I first learned how to make meth in my shed. I don't know how I ever got along without it.
I am just laughing out loud at Magnum's comment here!
ReplyDeleteKori- I am SO glad to hear your life is sweet. Keep us posted on the big thing.
ReplyDeleteMwa- Funny how easy it is to finish a bottle, isn't it?
Ginger- And you should be very proud of yourself for that.
Elizabeth- Don't say "lose weight." Too daunting. Say, "Eat better." That's doable.
As to the book- sit down and write!
Magnum- Hmmm. Maybe I should ask you to teach me the art of meth-making.
Kori- He's a witty fellow, isn't he?
Mags~ Good to have ya back! :)
ReplyDeleteMs. Moon~ All I can say is this happens to me ALL the time. I start something I can't finish because it's not good enough. Then I will get overwhelmed thinking too much about it and lose all creativity whatsoever. This applies to many things. I think you are onto something with feeling like it has to be perfect, when in reality the stuff that's not perfect is sometimes (a lot of the time) WAY more cool and interesting. Stay focused on your goal, what you like and it'll be great. Your quilt may not have perfect squares, perfect birds and bees, or whatever else you said your neighbor's has, but I am sure it'll be perfect for that baby and the fact you made it will make it unique and special. Besides, perfect is boring, Ms. Moon. Don't you think?
I can't even begin to answer your question. :)
ReplyDeleteBut yes, the food, the exercise, the fecking college degree... yes.
i got switched from teaching 3rd grade to teaching 5th grade, so all this week and next week i am aligning my new teacher's editions to the state requirements so i am teaching the 'right stuff' at the 'right time'. i taught 5th grade once before and used several of the same books so it is not as hard as it sounds, it's just a matter of getting it done.
ReplyDeletei am also teaching 6th grade math out of a textbook that is new to me, which has been staring at me for 2 months, which i also have to align to the state standards to have some proof that i am doing my job and not leaving any child behind.
xxalainaxx
"I think we all tend to think of the entire process and what it's going to require and it's just overwhelming."
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why my house is still a cluttered mess after being retired four years. I'm like Chicken Little just thinking about it. I know what to do and how to do it, but it's that getting started part. There will be a big announcement one of these days!
I feel what you're going through, Miss A! Don't read my blog today - it's about being retired!
Magnum, I'm still laughing. That was excellent and too funny!
Oh, and thank you for writing this, Ms. Moon. The reminders always help us know we aren't alone. The quilt will be perfectly wonderful!
ReplyDeleteBoy, that is an extra large can of worms for me. I'm not sure I can answer, but if I can, I'll be back.
ReplyDeleteHappy for you though. Soak up the good feelings you have about starting and just all of it. Staying conscious and enjoying it is one way to reprogram yourself and encourage yourself to do it more often.
Good for you!
I am learning Irish, which is tough and I give up regularly. I trained for a marathon last fall and I became a swimmer one teeny, tiny step at a time. Funny thing is that I have to remind myself all the time because the failures loom so large while the successes seem to fade in my rear view mirror.
ReplyDeleteNichol- Yes. Imperfection can be beautiful. There should always be one flaw in any creative work so that there is proof that it was human-made. Now in the things I create- no doubt.
ReplyDeleteSteph- I know. And we spend so much time fretting about these things instead of either giving them up (a valid choice) or just...beginning.
Miss Alaineus- I would totally not know where to start in that whole process either. But oh my god! You don't want to leave a child behind, right?
Joy- You gotta start with one small space. And lots of garbage bags.
And let me say this- I can talk the talk, but walk the walk? Not so much. Get a friend to come in and help you? That can work sometimes. They have no emotional attachment to the stuff we have.
Ms. Fleur- Yep. Starting things feels good. I think we waste a lot of energy putting off beginnings for one reason or another.
Dsmcaron- Whoa! I'm completely impressed. Email me when you need some validating.
I've always, ALWAYS preferred to be starting something rather than sitting idly by. Waiting kills me.
ReplyDeletexoxo.
Glad that you got your resolve back, Ms. Moon.
Aunt Becky- You are a get-'er-done kind of girl. I love that about you.
ReplyDelete