Got those summertime dark blues that I usually get this time of year. It's the blood-boiling heat, it's the unexpected sight of a snake slipping into the border grass, it's the way the light gives way as the day progresses and the storms build up and the cicadas sing either with joy or with the foreshadowing of doom.
It's my birthday. Soon. Fuck.
May just called and asked if it would stress me out too much if she asked what I wanted for my birthday.
I began to cry. Then babble-talk. Then make a funny noise.
My heart just feels dark today and people keep calling me to say, "Let's do this. Do you want to do that?" and I think, "No, no, no," just let me rot here in peace and misery and yet, I took a walk, I am going to town. I am going to the Opera House tonight for a read-through of a play that I've been asked to co-direct or maybe assistant-direct or maybe take notes for the director or maybe be the comic relief for since Colin isn't involved in this one. I am not sure.
I am either dying or else so stressed out that I hurt everywhere. I am either the busiest person on earth or the laziest. How can you tell when every fucking thing you do has results which are so transient that you can't tell they've been done?
I am either brilliant or a fool or somewhere inbetween and I am no more unique than one of the tadpoles in that dark body of water in my backyard which is going to be a pond one day.
I don't know but I know that I am soaked with sweat and need a shower and I am trying to accept my feelings of negative self-judgment without judgment. I am trying to accept my feelings of anxiety without any either.
I'm trying to work on world peace, too. I'll let you know how all of this works out.
It's just a day. Tomorrow will probably be fine. Or maybe even in an hour I'll be sitting in a restaurant with Jessie and I'll think, "See? This isn't so bad. Not so bad at all," and all will be well and oh yes, I'll be twenty pounds thinner and all of my clothes will fit.
That's me today. My heart is dark but I know there's a light switch nearby and the last thing I need to do is to sit and hide instead of getting up from my place where I'm curled up on the floor in the darkness and just reach out my hand to turn it on.
That's all. I know it.
Here I go. I am standing up. I am fumbling about in the dark. It's right here. I know it is. I'll find it.