Sunday, July 4, 2010
Batshit Crazy And Really Fucking Pissed
I went out last night to pick some cucumbers and this is the sight that met me as I went into my garden gate:
What? So what?
Well, I'll tell you what.
That was a row of zinnias right there, just about to bloom. They were already budded up.
So who did that? Who cut my zinnias?
Who decided that a row of budding flowers should be cut down?
Oh, just the guy who probably gets paid less than minimum wage under the counter who assists the guy who cuts our yard. He doesn't know a zinnia from a stinging nettle. I know he doesn't. But really? Did he have to go right up to the garden fence to trim?
I guess he did.
And I feel a little like the plantation owner's wife who bitches because the help tarnished the silver.
But still!
My zinnias!
I'm angry. And I know I'm not really that angry about the zinnias. Well, yes I am. I am THAT angry about my zinnias but I'm just filled with anger today. I'm angry that I'm not the person I wish I was. And I'm angry that I've never learned to paint a wall or had a book published or went on to become a midwife or have a job that makes some money and I'm angry at religion and I'm angry at BP and I'm angry at us for needing all this damn oil and I'm angry at the fact that they always have country music bands at 4th of July celebrations (not that I'd go anyway) and I'm angry about a million things but honestly, let's face it- I'm probably angry that my friend has cancer.
My friend has cancer.
And today I am just angry.
Even though it is so beautiful here today that if you saw it, felt it, you wouldn't believe it.
And even though Mr. Moon's toe is so obviously a million times better and he got up before me and went out and fixed the air conditioner in my car. And even though I have the best life in the entire world and am the luckiest woman in the entire world and even though....
It doesn't matter. I know all of those blessings. But it doesn't take away the fact of the matter which is that I am just so angry.
I feel like I might explode.
I probably won't.
And I'll get over it, go on to the next damn stage of whatever it is I'm going through.
But for today, for right this second, I am vibrating with rage and it does not feel good at all and it is not helping the world or my friend or anyone one damn bit.
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Uh, not good. Well. Not unless you go get it out. Can you bam something down?
ReplyDeleteCan you go train as a doula? Because I would have so loved to have had you as a doula - and then you would have ended up delivering my baby :)
i know this overwhelm and i invite you to let it out into the open welcoming sky.
ReplyDeletei remember when the bush war was so new the numbers of those killed played over NPR and i was stunned raw, but still it seemed impossible.
one day i went out into the garden and all my large as young men sunflowers with their golden beauty were turning open faces to follow the sun. peace reigned. the next walk through...some very thoughtless boys had used the tallest brightest sunflower as a target with their BB gun and shot viscously leaving the head to hang hopelessly by a thread and when i saw it...i burst into tears.....
i fell into complete anguish..
at the terror of war. suddenly these sunflowers made real each perfect beautiful someone's son destroyed.
this unexpected loss of zinnias,
this anguish knowing perfect beauty
and
utter fragility.
Wow. That's a perfect comment, rebecca.
ReplyDeleteYou know....sometimes you just need to be angry. Real angry. You need to rant and rave and get it out, scream, kick, swear, get it O-U-T!
ReplyDeleteAnd when it has past...you will feel so much better and better for not just yourself but for everyone else Ms. Moon.
And Rebecca...my gosh that was quite a comment that made me pause and think.
Jo- No. If I had wanted the hours of a doula, I could have been a midwife. I doula for those I love who honor me with their asking, though.
ReplyDeleterebecca- You nailed it. You know. Thank-you for understanding. Thank-you for bringing tears to my eyes because what I really need to do is cry.
Ellen- I know. I know. It's just a little phase, a little blip on the radar of the heart.
Your anger is helping me. Because I feel the exact damn thing, for some of the same reasons and some different. Angry. Let it fly.
ReplyDeleteEventually away.
im sorry about it all. its ok to be angry.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth- Hell. We can't poop unicorns and rainbows every fucking day. Well, I sure can't. And sometimes? We have the right to be angry. It will fly away. You're right.
ReplyDeleteTanya- I know. Thank-you.
I would rather feel angry ran filled with deep sadness. Hang in there. Flowers can be regrown. I know your friend cannot be replaced but one day at a time is a good philosophy.
ReplyDeleteOhhh, heartbreak!! I am sure the loss of those budding zinnias you had nurtured from seed just focused the fears and anger about Kathleen's cancer and vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad she has you as a friend to laugh and cry with her and nurture her through this. Sending love to you both and to Mr Moon and his toe as well. So glad to hear that his foot is improving. xxx000 N2
PS Fabulous header photo of the butterfly on the stock blossom!
awww. my eyes are filled. you touch my heart completely, and I love you for that.
ReplyDeleteblessings, dear Ms. Moon.
Lots of love and hugs and support for your friend with cancer. I pray that they found the cancer soon enough that they can chase it all away and make her better.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. About all of it. And I hope that better days are ahead for you and everyone you love.
ReplyDeleteYour friend has cancer.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks
A lot
xoxoxo
I remember when the doctors thought I had cancer and emotionally blackmailed me into surgery to check it out, and my friends were with me every minute. Jessica said she would sleep right on top of me to make sure I'm ok, though of course I'd be crushed and not ok at all.
ReplyDeleteIt means so much that Kathleen has you and the others. So much. But don't sleep on top of her.
Oh Kathleen, all my positive energy is sent your way. Best wishes!!
Son of a gun.
ReplyDeleteDamn.
You know what though, it looks to me like he just chopped them at the first set of leaves. They will come back even stronger if this is true. I know they were just starting to bud and I was rooting for those zinnias. We thought we lost them once before right? I am so sorry you lost your blooms, but it's only for now. Consider them pinched. Zinnias love pinching and cutting, it just came a little early. I had 2 flats of beautiful zinnias, so thick and lush and happy. But I wanted to long to plant them and now I mostly have spindley, non blooming sticks. Ah well.
Yours will now branch out and be even thicker and happier.
Really.
I loved your comment on my blog, about the moon in my room. Thank you.
Of course you're angry. Gosh. I could FEEL it as I read. I've never read someone who makes me feel like you do. It's astounding. Such powerful raw, real writing. Let yourself be pissed. Write it out. Allow it. Like Michelle said, it sucks.
rebecca's story shook me.
I'm thinking of you.
I normally don't read through comments before posting my own - but I did. And what Rebecca said is ten times better than what I would have come up with myself.
ReplyDeleteSo a big ditto to that.
And I'm sorry...
Anger probably keeps you going, putting sheets in the panther room just now and caring about the zinnias instead of being in a little heap on the floor. Sometimes rage can be useful that way.
ReplyDeleteI hope Bethany's right about the Zinnias coming back.
ReplyDeleteI hope your angers flows out and makes room for anything else that needs to rise up. And I hope lots of love and laughter balance it out. Hang in there.
Isn't Bethany amazing!?!
ReplyDeleteAnd rebecca too.
Damn. there are some awesome women here. I love it.
Syd- Yep. Sometimes we aren't able to feel sadness and go into anger instead. It's all a process. And my friend will be fine. I have a strong feeling about that.
ReplyDeleteN2- Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you. I know you understand. And I'm rather proud of that butterfly picture.
Swallowtail- I thought of you when I took that picture.
Rebecca- I think that's what will happen.
Rachel- One day later and so much is better for me. Thank-you.
Michelle- Amen, sweet sister-woman.
NOLA- It is good to hear things like this. And Kathleen has her dog Bob to sleep on top of her. Which he does. Sigh...
Bethany- There are maybe three zinnias left. I swear. The rest are ripped up and out. I need to just go buy some. As Mr. Moon said, "Those flowers are some of the best part of the garden every year."
All will be well.
Corinne- rebecca is amazing. Her words are always perfect.
Mwa- Ah- so you know this too!
grasshopper- Yep. Keep it all flowing. That's the best way, I think.
Michelle- I am grateful for all of us together so many times every day of my life.
Some things just suck shit. Let's face it.
ReplyDeleteCancer sucks shit.