Thursday, September 15, 2016

Who AM I?

Besides the mosquitoes, I've never seen a summer quite so filled with spiders. I can't tell you how many times I've bounced off a golden orb weaver's web in the last few days. They are that strong. And of course, there are other varieties of spider whose webs are not as strong and which I do not realize are there until I feel the almost weightless strands of them on my shoulders as I walk through them.

It's so odd to me that I have all of this free time and yet, the very idea that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, is making me a bit crazy. Hell, I could drive down to Apalachicola for the day, buy myself lunch, do a little shopping, even go to the beach...
There is nothing holding me here, not even the thinnest wisp of web.

And yet, as always, I feel unequal to the act of getting in the car and...leaving.

So many choices of what I could do, probably should do.
Like standing in the grocery store in the cereal aisle, overwhelmed by the choices and finally just leaving without one box of the stuff.
Too much.

Why does everything feel like too much to me?
When did I become so afraid of everything? When did I stop being the sort of woman who made friends and tended to the sick and injured and sat down to write and took care of four children and a husband and pets and went out every Friday night?

It was a process.
And I don't know that I'm truly afraid of doing things. easily overwhelmed.
But not by spiders. One of which (and I am not making this up) just tried to anchor a web on my elbow.

Yeah. I need to get out of the house.


  1. It's the thinking that gets in the way sometimes.
    That dang thinking.

  2. Ok, the spider thing means you do need to leave the house. You don't want Mr Moon to come home to Miss Havisham.

    I think part of the feeling of overwhelm is to do with ageing. We feel so byllet proof when we're young, don't we?

    I'm going on a much needed weekend away next week and I'm already starting to feel anxious about it, that stupid chest pressure.

    The thing is, mostly, when you go out, you manage it fine, on your terms. So what if there's too much cereal? Walking away is a sane response - I just read about that the other day, in our text book of all places. Six choices of jam, good. 36 choices of jam, anxiety inducing. It's scientifically proven that too much choice does *not* make us happy. It's crazy, when you think about it.

    It's so much easier when you like porridge :)

    I think the other bit of it is habit... the less you go out, the scarier it'll feel. Reasons to do it, even if you don't want to.

    You would have loved my aunt Sue so much. She felt v much the same way.

  3. My mother in law always implored me to get out, she would opt for a game of bridge (boooooring bridge, she called it) to being stuck inside her house (concrete box, she called it). At the time I was too busy with work and small child to even think of a quiet life.
    And now I often wish I had her drive and energy while I walk to the gate and back, quickly.

  4. Everything is too much these days. We are given way too many choices. It just leaves us overwhelmed with the distinct feeling that we made the wrong decision.

    My daughter has a doctors appointment this afternoon and I said I would go with her. All I do is want to stay home.

  5. I know this feeling (I know so much of what you feel!). It's why I joined a choir, to get me out the house. And I'm looking to add a couple more things I join to my week. Do you ever consider doing a play again? Regular scheduled activity is good. Too much choice and I too become overwhelmed. I have so many choices in this city and yet I often feel unable to make myself go. Hence, choir.

  6. LOL! Yeah, when spiders are tying you down, that might be a sign to get moving. :) Seriously, I've found that the less I do, the more overwhelmed I feel. I think it helps to jump right in and be active, and then things don't seem so overwhelming. (Although you ARE pretty active already, with your gardening and house and chicken maintenance! So maybe that theory is completely wrong.)

    1. Oh, re. the cereal boxes -- we are given WAY too many choices when it comes to simple purchases. My favorite example is toothpaste, which is just ridiculous these days, but cereal is also absurd. Super markets and drug stores can be paralyzing in that regard. I wrote an article about this phenomenon about 15 years ago, and I think it's only gotten worse.

    2. I think Jo's right about the ageing thing. It's all too much! I've always had a problem making decisions/choosing especially when confronted with too many choices. It is crippling for me. I just let tearful decide. Not the best solution.


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