Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Like Being On Drugs But Not As Much Fun

So, here I am, eyes dilated and I can barely see shit but whatever, I am not driving but just sitting here typing this and waiting for some chicken bosoms to thaw.

I went to see that eye doctor. He was approximately twelve-years old. Seriously. I don't think he shaves yet. But I liked him and he laughed at my jokes. My eyes are fine for the surgery but the hang-up for me is that I still have good close vision (well, for a woman of fifty-seven) due to my life-long nearsightedness and if they correct for distance, the close-vision will be for shit and I'll need reading glasses for that. Now why I think that this is a huge problem is a mystery. But I do love to get in bed and read without my glasses. However, that is not a big portion of my day, whereas being able to see everything that isn't under my nose is.
They can do that mono-vision correction where they basically leave one eye under-corrected and correct the other one and the brain takes care of it. In theory. He said that most women tolerate this very well.
"Women?" I asked. "Better than men?"
"Yes," he said. "And we don't know why."
"Because women are used to tolerating the intolerable," I told him. "Doesn't make it right."
He smiled pleasantly.
So what they're going to do is to give me some contacts which will replicate the mono-vision situation to see if I can "tolerate" them. I would like to do far more than be able to tolerate something. But anyway, we shall see. This place is not an assembly-line Lasix factory and I like that. Dude was honest with me. I have time to think about it. I will be able to experiment with vision alternatives. This is all quite interesting, as were many of the tests they did on my eyes and I felt like I was on Star Trek and I felt like I was in A Clockwork Orange, both at the same time.

And don't call me Dim no more, neither!

(For those of you who have never seen A Clockwork Orange, you didn't get that, and even if you have, you may not get that but one summer in Winter Haven, Florida there was nothing at all to do except to go out in the cow fields and gather mushrooms and eat them and then go see A Clockwork Orange which for some reason stayed at the Ritz Theater downtown for months. Or at least in my memory. And for me and some of my friends, our vocabulary became semi-boiled down to quotes from the movie and that was one of them. This explains more about me than you can know.)

So the question shall be- is the surgery worth it? As with everything in life, this must be determined. Are the compromises worth the cost? Would being able to see without glasses for most of my activities be heavier on the scale than being able to read without glasses? Maybe my old brain will adjust to the mono-vision. I sort of doubt that, but it's possible.

So here's an Owen story:

Lily and Jason and Owen came to pick me up and on the drive back to their house there is a giant bull statue. Made of plastic or fiberglass, no doubt. Like you'd see in front of a Giant Steakhouse or something and Owen loves that thing and says, "Cow!"
"Yep, it's a cow," I told him. And then I said, "Hey Owen, do you know what they call boy cows?"
"What?" he asked.
"Bulls!" I said.
"No, no, no, no, no! COW!"
"No. It's true. Girl cows are called cows and boy cows are called bulls."
He didn't even pause to think about it. He just gave me another string of "NO!s" and then said, "I no belebe you!"
Two years old and the kid already thinks he knows more than I do.

Well. He'll find out and then he's going to be totally embarrassed that he did not belebe me.

Okay. Tomorrow is going to be a busy, busy day. Owen is coming and Billy is bringing Waylon to play and Lon and Lis and Lulumarie and another couple are dropping by too. Whoa, nelly! It's going to be exciting!
Wow. I just remembered that I used to work with a girl named Nelly and I let her and her boyfriend use my apartment, their love...because she was married to someone else.
I had forgotten that. I wonder what happened to her?

And this is what happens when Ms. Moon gets her eyes dilated. Her brain goes kaflooey.

Belebe me. I wouldn't lie to ya.

Yours truly...Ms. Moon


  1. O Ms. Moon! Today for #1 time in many moons I glanced at my blogroll and you were right there on top, with your first line... waiting for the chicken bosoms to thaw.

    Thank you for that. I am still laughing. And, thank Goddess, you are still writing. Holding up this tumble-down world one word at a time.

    I am among your devoted readers, even when I am not reading. Just so you know.

  2. I'm going to get the surgery at some point -- when I get the money :) But guess what...I looooove my new glasses i got today! I may actually start wearing my glasses out in public and give my poor eyes a break from the plastic they are subjected to each day in the form of contacts :)

  3. just but some new glasses and spend the laser money on something fun.

  4. Oh, I belebe you :)

    The mono vision thing would make me sick as a dog, I think.

  5. Whoa, Nelly! I use that expression all the time with my kids. I adore it.

    And you.

    The Lasix thing scares me. I, too, have limited vision without my glasses/contacts and can still read without reading glasses. I'm interested to see how it goes. And I love that women "tolerate" it better than men. I wonder if a man or a woman decided that?

  6. Tomorrow sounds like an adventure.

    Good luck figuring out your best eye option.

    Say hi to Billy and Waylon and Lon and Lis.

  7. Oh man, you're lucky. I've been nearsighted all my life (in glasses for 37 or so) and still my close-up vision is going. I've given up reading words on almost any packaging - I figure if it's important, they'll put it in big print.

    Your vain friend who just WILL NOT get bifocals in her 40's! And too chicken to even think about lasers near my eyes - I'm close enough to blind to know I don't want to be blind for real.

  8. Hey, Mary, dear......belebe me....your near vision is used for more than just reading and what you are contemplating is a big decision.

    Remember that near vision is what you use to prepare food, chop vegetables, weed and work in the garden, sew, remove splinters, read appliance dials of all sorts, find things in odd places where you have accidentally left them, see what is in the refrigerator and where you put that container of leftover soup and identify what that bottle is in back of it and, incidentally, enjoy your computer and read and writ on it comfortably. I could go on endlessly but I won't........take it fvrom someone who has retained fair distance vision but is daily losing near vision. I would prefer a distance blur to not being able to find my pencil on the table next to me and needing to call someone to find it for me any time. Or you will end up wearing those cute little half glasses like I do that enable you to see near 24/7 and that you can look over to see far. I find near vision much more useful than far........just my opinion.

    Be very careful what you wish for.

  9. I feel like I should pay you for half the doctor visit as that is the info I needed to know. I wear glasses for the nearsightedness bit can read and exist around the house fine. At the grocery store I need them to see down an aisle but have to take them off to read a label. On a plane I have to take them off to read a book to distract me from the fear of flying but then I have to put them on to see the flight attendant to make sure we are not in peril.
    Hubs is the opposite--I say we do well going out because I read him the menu and he tells me what is going on on the other side of the room. I am thinking he will do well with the L surgery because he is frustrated on a daily basis not being able to read something or see something.

  10. Ms Moon -- here is my 2 cents and experience. I had laser surgery for astigmatism and near sightedness at 40. At 44, one of my eyes up and reversed itself. I had some more surgery to try and correct that and it didn't work. Now I can't even get glasses that will correct the situation because my eyes are so different. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't. I know how it is to want to see without glasses as I'd been wearing them since I was 8. I waited over 15 years after I was told I was a candidate for eye surgery. I should have had a clue when I was in the chair with my eye propped open and I suddenly noticed the eye surgeon was wearing glasses... I asked him why he hadn't had the surgery done and he said "I can't screw with my eyes!" I know the surgery has been perfected over time but a neighbor recently had the same experience. Sitting where I am sitting I am now appreciating how cute, cute glass frames are these days. Just another POV to consider. Joanne

  11. I had Lasik years ago when I was still performing--it was a miracle to be able to see on stage without glasses! But the reading glasses are kind of a pain--they did not offer the one eye this /the other eye that back then, I don't think. The thing is you need reading glasses to cook, to sew, to shop so you can read labels, etc. I now have graduated lenses and wear my reading glasses almost all the time. It is great though to be able to take them off for a party or at dinner or whatever! Best of luck to you with all that. One could probably tell a bull from a cow without reading glasses though, right?

  12. Watching Clockwork Orange on mushrooms? (shudder!) I agree with all the belebers in the advantages of nearsightedness as presbyopia hits...

  13. Oh, I belebe you. I always belebe you.

  14. Hahaha, at least he didn't tel lyou it was ... bull... :)

    Bullshit, grandma! I know a cow when I see one :)

  15. Very informative indeed. I've always been near-sighted but I can manage without my glasses. I've thought of the surgery but it seems too high-tech. What I REALLY need is night vision.

    Do you know Malcolm Mcdowell was in Cat People in the early eighties? How did he get from A Clockwork Orange to Cat People!?!

  16. I have been nearsighted since I was a teen. I wanted laser surgery and went for all the tests about 10 years ago - turns out my corneas are too thin to do it. I have the mono-vision contacts which are ok for most things but tiny print and my current jigsaw puzzle are a problem with them. It's crappy needing reading glasses when the idea is to not need glasses any more. I too like to read without glasses. See how the contacts work for you.

  17. Eyes. Such a deal...why can't they just work perfectly. I have the opposite issue from you. I need reading glasses. I'm always looking for mine.

    Shall be a good story to write about what you decide to do...

    Little kids and why they just don't want to belebe us big people.

  18. sleepSEE is very kids friendly. Children often face the problems of lost eye glasses, scratched lenses, broken or bent frames. This sleepSEE, a nonsurgical vision correction system can get them rid of these problems. kids vision correction


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