Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Waiting For Godot. Wait. I Mean Waiting For The Oven Guy



I've been here in Lloyd for two entire days waiting for a repairman to come and look at my oven which is not working. Well, sometimes it will work, but other times (like on Thanksgiving day) it refuses to heat, although if you turn it up high enough and kick the shit out of it, it generally responds.

But. Ms. Moon needs a reliable oven. I mean, I do. It does not have to be a fancy oven. I had one of those once. It was a Viking- stainless steel- and it cost a fortune and it was "restaurant quality" and it slowly and surely turned into a piece of crap. The company refused to do anything about it until I wrote them a letter which got their attention and a small army of Viking officials came to my house and basically rebuilt that stove for free.

That was one hell of a letter. They told me it was the best letter they ever got. Perhaps one day I'll reprint it here for fun. And I have to say that Viking ended up doing me right.

But I have learned my lesson about paying for a name when all I need is reliability.
And until recently, this stove has been fine. Gas, which I must have, and it came with the house and I've had no problem with it.
So I don't want to kick it to the curb. I just want someone to come and fix it.

And this guy, whom I will not name, has promised me for two days that he's coming. But he doesn't come. And I can't leave the house, which would normally be a dream come true, but it's nine days before Christmas and I have got to go shopping.

I'm getting frustrated.

He was supposed to call me today around noon to tell me he was on his way. It is 2:41 and I have not heard from him although I have called him and left a wimpy message which basically said, "Uh, This is Ms. Moon. I'm waiting to hear from you."

If I have not heard from him by the time I have play practice tonight at 6:30, my next message to him will say this:
Don't bother, cocksucka!!

We've watched a lot of Deadwood around here and Cocksucka!! is one of our favorite words.
I probably won't actually call him a Cocksucka!! but I feel sure he will get my drift.

Meanwhile, here I sit, twiddling my thumbs, feeling guilty that I'm not out in the Christmas shopping frenzy, knowing it is getting worse out there every second.
What's a girl to do?

I don't know.

But right now, I wish I had Mr. Wu here to sic some pigs on the guy because even though I understand that schedules can get screwed up, it would be only courteous to call me and tell me about it.

Or if not Mr. Wu, then Al Swearengen who would definitely be able to get my oven fixed and quickly. Blood might flow and cursewords would paint the sky black, but damn, at least I'd be able to bake some motherfuckin' bread.

But I am timid and I am nice and so I will just sit and fantasize about such actions and tomorrow, when Mr. Moon is home, I'll let him go all Deadwood on the guy.

And he will because he knows that without an oven, he's not getting any biscuits anytime soon.

Which could bring out the Swearengen in a man.

Watch the sky for curse-painted blackness.

11 comments:

  1. I say let go of your inhibitions and let loose with a few 'cocksucks' if/when the asshole arrives.
    Sorry, lateness is my BIGGEST pet peeve in the entire world. Nothing pisses me off more than someone who is late. It is a clear message that this person feels his time is way more valuable than yours. And that you are so pathetic that you have nothing else to do but wait for him.
    Did I mention I really hate lateness???

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  2. GAS OVEN FAIL = HOUSE GO BOOM cocksucka!
    Say that, he'll get his candy ass over there and break the tile dropping to his knees so fast.

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  3. Well, the oven guy is here and Magnum, he could break the tile dropping to his knees slowly. He's BIG. I ain't calling him a cocksucka.

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  4. But remember what Al said. "You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve."

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  5. DTG- that is the damn truth. Too bad, huh?

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  6. I just want to tell you how much I enjoy your use of the words "cocksucka" and "motherfucker." Good luck with the oven!

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  7. Well, Ms. Magnolia, I do so love to curse. It's like my hobby.

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  8. DTG, I don't know which Al you mean, but I sure want to steal that line!! :)

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  9. Al Swearengen, head badass of Deadwood. That's not even his best line.

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  10. And that's like being the God King of the worst badass place in the Universe.
    Uh-huh. He's so bad he's delicious.

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  11. I told you that because Ian McShane voiced the bad guy in the cartoon Kung Fu Panda, the character took on unexpected layers of malice.

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