Friday, December 19, 2008

Oh Bus Driver, Oh Bus Driver, How Lovely Are Thy Brake Pads


The first time Mr. Moon and I went to Mexico, we met a wonderful Norwegian woman named Anne-Helene. She came and lived with us for six months and I learned so much in that time.
One of the things Anne taught me was that the tune we sing "Oh Tannenbaum" to, is sung in Norway to the lyrics of a song which is NOT a paen to the holy Christmas tree but which is about public transportation or something and which starts out, "Oh bus driver, oh bus driver."

Another thing I learned about Norway is that they do not circumcise their baby males unless there is a medical necessity and that she, even being a nurse, had never once seen a circumcised pee-pee.

These are the sorts of things you do not forget and are wonderful examples of the benefits of international exchange.

Anyway, above you see a picture of Ms. Moon's Christmas tree. I bought it, I tucked it under my arm, I brought it home, I set it up, I personally decorated it, which took about five minutes because it's branches are approximately two- to eight- inches long. However, as you can see, it is fully adequate to the task of holding up the approximately one dozen ornaments which mean Christmas to me, including a miniature birch bark canoe and a baby Capezio ballet slipper which I bought for one of my daughter's (well, I bought the pair, actually) and which would not stay on the child long enough to take a picture. But I love those slippers and one stays on top of a window frame in my bathroom year-round and one comes out to adorn the Christmas tree every year.

The tree is not, however, sturdy enough to hold up the cardboard angel so she is resting at the base of it.

As small as this tree is, it will be big enough to put the presents under. Believe me. Sorry kids.
Your crazy, insane mother is doing all she can.

The stove issue is still not settled. I think we have decided against repairing this one as there are more problems than just the one that the one hundred and eighty-nine dollars would solve. I don't know. I really wish we could just take the money it would require to buy a new one and go to Mexico. This will not happen, but it is my dream. I looked up ticket prices last night and for approximately three-hundred dollars apiece, we could fly there and back. Mr. Moon was not impressed. In his selective memory, we have always flown there for around "$220" although I personally think he whipped that number out of his butt.

I do know that for $35 a night we could stay at the Hotel Pepita which is in the heart of Cozumel and which is where we stayed on our first trip down there and it was introduced to us by Anne-Helene and her traveling companion, an impossibly and outrageously handsome Norwegian man named Sven (or something like that) whom I thought, upon seeing him the first time, must be a rock god, but no, he was a psychiatric nurse.
Appearances can be deceiving, y'all.



Anyway, Pepita has it all unless by "all" you mean things like a pool or a balcony overlooking the sea or toilet seats which do not cut into your buttocks. But shitfire! (whoops! little pun there, especially if you've been eating habeneros) at least they have toilet seats, which every bathroom in Mexico does not.

And as I was telling a friend, if I had the ovaries of a gnat, I would simply leave all of this behind: my beloved Lloyd, my precious family, the stove situation and all the holiday fru-fra, get on a plane by myself, fly to Cozumel, get a taxi to Pepita, check in and spend a few days eating sopa de lima and swimming in the ocean of seven shades of blue,




and sitting in the courtyard of Pepita, listening to the cardinals in the cage and sipping rum drinks that I would make with Bacardi anejo, Coca-Colas and limes.

Hell. I might even get that tattoo of Ixchel on my shoulder that I've always wanted.



All right. I've gone from my tiny Christmas tree to the Mexican Moon goddess in one semi-short blog.

Let me just say right here that if my blog posts suddenly cease, you will know where to find me.

I'll be raising a glass of rum to you all, listening to the cardinals chip and chirp, and wondering which beach I should visit and whether or not I should get a tattoo on my other shoulder of the map of Cozumel.



This all sounds festive and fantastic to me and probably, on my death bed, I'll be wishing I had done it. Dammit.

What would you do if you had the ovaries of a gnat?
Tell me, tell me. What are the visions of sugar plums going through your mind as you dream on this four millionth day of December, 2008?

21 comments:

  1. The beach has been on my mind, as well. My beach is a beach in Hawaii, though. It's Bellows Beach. Where the lush green mountains surround you as you float in the calm clear waters, looking up at the beautiful blue sky. I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

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  2. tis better to regret the things you did do than the things you didn't do; getcha on down to Cozumel!

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  3. "Oh bus driver, oh bus driver, you have such good humor."

    That's all I remember of it, though. Not all I remember of Anne-Helane, however. Remember how she used to sit on the back steps and just soak up the Florida sun? Is she still sailing the world?

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  4. Ms. Magnolia- the beach is a fine place to think of and yours sounds even finer than most. I have never been to Hawaii although MR. MOON DID GO THERE ON HIS HONEYMOON WITH HIS FIRST WIFE!
    Ah well. She got Hawaii, I got his babies.

    Magnum- I know, I know. But when you're the sort of person to whom a solo trip to Thomasville seems overwhelmingly daunting, the idea of even driving to Orlando to catch a flight to Mexico is....
    I have to stop talking about this. I'm getting all freaked out.

    DTG- she has babies you know. I haven't heard from her in TOO long. But she and her man did take the babies to Jamaica at least once that I know of.
    She did love the sun, didn't she?
    Not to mention Rasta Men with long, long hair.
    Ah. I miss that girl so much.

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  5. Mama, why don't you just demand that you and Daddy go to Cozumel, that is if you can't go alone, and forget about all the presents and such. No one is stopping you but yourself. I think that would be really cool.

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  6. So go already!

    Being a Norwegian girl myself, I understand needing the sun to pink up my pasty whiteness, but a beach is just too much for me...I prefer sun in small increments...thru the skylights in the mall food court...

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  7. HoneyLuna- My dear- do you KNOW your father? Have you ever seen me demand anything from him?
    No way, no how. I hint and if that doesn't work, I just blog about it. And of course, that doesn't accomplish anything.
    He knows I want to go. This is sadly not the time. Someday I'll go again.
    It's lovely just to fantasize.

    Rachel- Ha! That's great.

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  8. No beach for me, though it was nice to be on Cape Cod in the winter, walking along the bay and looking for stranded turtles. I guess mostly I would conjure up a past Christmas when my kids were small, and we made do with very little, making Santa cookies and paper chains to count down the days until Christmas. It seemed magical then.

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  9. http://tallahassee.craigslist.org/hsh/964176027.html
    paste that in, the guy is selling several gas stoves from foreclosing homes.

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  10. I think my tree sucks more than yours. In between wrapping presents and baking cookies, I'll try to post a picture. Remember, I have the entire artificial thing going, with red ribbons and crappy fake snow...you'd have to see it to appreciate it. The new star I bought for it has glitter falling off one side already - really, I've outdone myself this year!

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  11. Nannygoat- yes. I have those sorts of memories too. And they are precious.

    Magnum- thank-you. I will check that out. You're a dear.

    MOB- PICTURES!

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  12. Mama, I have to say, that no matter what you are going through your writing just gets better and funnier and wiser each and every day. Now go to Cozumel. And I love you.

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  13. another stove on the C-list! get it or I will, it looks nice.

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  14. Miss Maybelle! YOU and your sibs are the writers. I am so proud of all of you.
    I love you.

    Magnum- we're putting the calls in. Thanks.

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  15. Man, even I had to check out those stoves, and I'm 3K miles away! I wish I could post a photo of mine down here in the Yucatan. It's probably from the 1940's and has this teeny oven with a round window in the oven door and we're in love with it. We finally found a repairman to fix the burners and the stove door that wouldn't completely close because of a sprung hinge, but it is a cookie-burner because the oven thermostat is a joke!

    And I love your little Charlie Brown Christmas tree, Ms.Moon! :) My artificial one only has character if you look closely at the wonderful ornaments Nannygoat made, God knows how, way back when her kids were tiny! Some are skiers made from clothespins, there's a darling mouse made with a walnut shell, and many more -- some of the few "things" I treasure. :)

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  16. P.S. And I looked up your little haven in Cozumel and it's a wonderful Mexican version of the Pelican Post in Bradenton Beach! Maybe you should go there! :)

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  17. Ms. Lopo- I have a very old gas range that I love out in the garage but it, too, has a crappy oven although the burners are far better than any other gas burners I've ever used, and that includes the Viking range I used to own. I'll get it out and use it again when I can have a separate wall oven.

    As to the gas stoves on Craig's List- we called those guys and they are all a bunch of LIARS!
    I won't go into it but the "real" stories did not match up with what was posted.
    BASTARDS!!!! (Thanks, Brother B

    I love the idea of your tiny walnut ornaments. Lovely!

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  18. Ms. Lopo- Uh. You're right. I SHOULD go to Hotel Pepita. But I'll bet that the maids at the Pelican Post did not wash the sheets by hand.
    Well, they probably don't at Pepita anymore either. That was like, oh, twenty years ago.

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  19. They MIGHT still hang them out in the sun, but I'm pretty sure they've got Whirlpools by now.

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  20. Ovaries of a gnat? Never heard that saying before.

    If I could just go and do anything, I would be on a plane right now to Amsterdam with my sweetie. We have both been there and we love it, but we have never made the trip together. But, with no leave time and not nearly enough $$ we might be waiting until the honeymoon. But, with no wedding plans in sight, there is no telling when that may be. Sigh.

    Never been to Mexico, but your place sounds so nice.

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  21. Ms. Lemon- I made that "ovaries as big as a gnat's" thing up myself a long time ago. It's sort of my personal dare.
    Never been to Amsterdam. Have always wanted to go. I too, wish you were on a plane headed there RIGHT now, snuggling with your sweetie and thinking about all the fun you'd be about to have.
    Ah. Dreams.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.