Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Never Time



I think I have figured out where some of my anxiety comes from. I believe it's a direct result of all the years of having children at home with so little time to myself and now finding myself with great stretches of time to call my own.

I keep trying to come up with a metaphor for this feeling (and I know, I know- a feeling is only a feeling) but I'm having a hard time. I suppose I'm like the retired midwife who goes to bed every night, still making sure she has clothes ready to jump into if that call comes, waking up in a panic, wondering if she's supposed to be at a birth.

No matter what I'm doing there is still some little voice inside of me shouting that SOMEONE SURELY NEEDS TO BE PICKED UP AND WHAT AM I GOING TO MAKE FOR DINNER AND DOESN'T SOMEONE NEED A RED TURTLENECK FOR THE CHRISTMAS CONCERT?

Or something.

I still dream that I've lost a baby, put her down somewhere and gone off and forgotten her for days. Very often in these dreams I find the baby, only to discover that yes, she's still alive, but has shrunk to the size of Thumbelina. Have you ever tried to nurse an elfling? It's not easy.

Will I ever get over this feeling?

This week I have all to myself, yet I feel in somewhat of a panic. Mr. Moon left me with two bags of venison to deal with in the refrigerator- one to take to get cubed, and one to make into jerky. For some reason, this feels like an impossible chore. I have to wrap everything up once it's done, too. Big deal.

BUT, I have a project of my own I need to do. I have to go over my old novel to send it in to a local publisher like RIGHT NOW but for some reason, the jerky and cube meat have become the symbol for all the times I wanted to sit down and write or do something on my own but did not have the time and I feel like I MUST deal with that before I can deal with my book.

Not logical, Mr. Spock.
Sounds crazy, Dr. Freud.

Thank god I have yoga this morning. I'll take the cube meat to Monticello when I'm done there. I've got the jerky marinating. I'll clean out the old dehydrator. I'll wrap up the cube steaks. I'll dry the meat. I'll go over the novel. The rest of it all can go to hell as far as I care.

But I guarantee you that as I sit and read what I wrote so long ago, there will be a tiny baby crying somewhere, needing me. There will be a child waiting at dance class for me to pick her up, and she'll be all alone in the parking lot and it will be growing dark. There will be a class of children, waiting for their cupcakes. There will be a karate promotion I'm supposed to be attending. There will be a softball game I'm supposed to bring snacks for. There will be a child who needs her hair washed, her shoes tied, her homework checked, a bedtime story to be read, a diaper to be changed, groceries to be bought and meals to be cooked and dishes to be washed and laundry to be done and WHY THE HELL AM I JUST SITTING HERE ON MY ASS?

That's what my bones and gut will be telling me anyway, and of course it's the bones and gut that dictate everything.

I have to ignore all of that. I have to.

This is my time now, this is my life now.

So they say.

But....
Is there a baby crying somewhere? Did you hear that? What have I forgotten? Surely someone needs my tending.

Shhhhh......

Oh, please, bones and gut- just shut UP!

18 comments:

  1. I hope your manuscript reread goes well. Try not to listen to that crying baby, or barking dogs for that matter.
    Thanks for all those years of doing those things for us. You have been a great mommy.

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  2. Hey, Have you heard why fifty something women don't have babies? It IS because we would put them down and forget where. It does take quite awhile to get used to not being needed so much. That's what grandkids are for. The first vacation I was on with Jake was kinda like that. We set up the camp and I was still raring to go....(as in; Hey mom , lets go to the beach, minature golf, the mall ) and he patted the chair next to him and said..sit relax...and I thought "wow, this IS what adults do on vacation!" The part the really bothers me is that I was soo busy that I don't really remember alot of my own feelings as I was on auto pilot doing all that schlepping, cooking and cleaning. I remember what I did, but what was I feeling?
    I figure now is my time, my feelings.
    I also dream about nursing babies and it FEELS good.

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  3. What you've described is a kind of post-traumatic stress disorder from being on the front lines for so long. And, yes, the venison if a metaphor for all of those millions of things that always came first. Time alone was a reward that was always out of reach, and now that I have it, I often waste it in a kind of paralysis of anxiety, figuring why start on a project of my own when something else will arise that is more important, more demanding. This is a great insight.

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  4. HoneyLuna- you were such an easy child to take care. Well, except for those shoe laces. Phew!

    Sally Moon- do you think we'd forget out babies if we had them? I'd be afraid to test out the possibility.
    Will we ever learn to relax?
    And if I remember how I was feeling in those days when the kids were young, it was probably stressed and feeling like I was never doing my job as well as I should be. Ever.

    Lopo- I had this insight yesterday and I think it is true. That we constantly feel as if we're waiting for the next situation to arise where we'll be needed. Exactly. So yes- why start something of our own?
    We've got to learn this is not so and move on with our lives.

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  5. I have to giggle. When we were young no one could remember who was Nan and who was Lo, and it appears that now Nannygoat and I are even being mixed up online since your reply was actually to HER comment -- as I have been en absentia. ;) I love it! Now we can pull twin tricks! ;)

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  6. I'm still sort of waiting for that day to hit me. I often wonder what it will feel like to have the kids out and too much time on my hands.

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  7. Lopo- Jeez. My brain is fried. I'm so sorry. I really do not get the two of you confused but perhaps you do have a similar style? But more likely, I am just not paying attention.
    That did sound like something you'd say, though, don't you think?

    Marsha- the weird thing is, it happens so quickly/slowly. It's completely disorienting and one moment you'd kill for a day to yourself and the next moment you're like, "uh- where'd everybody go?"

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  8. I really can't quite imagine what that will be like for me someday, to go from super-busy-mom to super-free-mom. Maybe.. it's something like a new opportunity to reinvent yourself, or rediscover parts of yourself that may have been on hold while other loves took priority? They remain your pride and joy, but the tasks to tend to their well-being have slowed, leaving an abundance of room for things like novels... which I'm DYING to read.

    Hmm.. Yes, I'm looking forward to that very much, Ms. Moon. Get that script in to the publisher!!! Ha... please....

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  9. Empty nest syndrome I believe 'tis called.

    Go for it, with the book.

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  10. Ms. Moon, Nothing I like better than having something my sister wrote being mistaken for mine! :) She has a way with words I will never have!

    Ms. Moon, when does this play practice start that has you playing 5 different parts? It sounds like so much fun!

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  11. XBot- thank you. I'm working on it. I really am. And I know this is part of the empty nest thing but it's a part I never really considered.

    Lopo- we've already started rehearsals. Sort of. December is a bad month to try and get people together but we're doing our best. And it IS huge, big fun. For me, anyway.

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  12. So apparently there was a study that surveyed parents and found this strong association b/w feelings of parental love and feelings of fear and anxiety.

    Now we can crack this two ways.
    1) It is a logical thing, when you have something utterly precious to you but quite vulnerable, to now feel a sense of fear at the loss of that totally.
    Or 2) which I thought he was maybe suggesting, which is just that those feelings ride the same wave, which most likely is hormonal.

    There has to be a framework wherein we chose neither to raise the physical/biological above the other five billion factors that produce our existence, but don't abandon it either. So hormones are a factor- a normal and important factor- in our emotional and psychological states, as well as physical functioning and all that.

    I'm sure your many years as midwife and birthmother can attest to the great and supernatural powers of hormone surge and flux?

    But my dog, surely, is a great demonstration of the state of crazy by hormones. When she enters pseudo-pregnancy, because a dog's body does not have the consistent feed-back function that ours does, wherein after the hormonal rise during the period of fertility, it 'checks' and brings it back down if a conception has not occurred. That's how I recall it anyway. (Which is so interesting in terms of adaptive biology but that's awhole nother thing) So as a result, the dog is certain puppies are present. And at the same time, it feels compelled to protect this litter, that is not present, and suffers great anxiety at it.

    She quakes. She fears to leave the house even to make necessary bathroom trips. And she whimpers if she is not near us for comfort. It is intense.

    If indeed the hormonal wave that drives the love-lust for the smell of our infants flesh and the willingness to say jump in front of a truck for it, then surely it seems (occum's razor maybe?) that this same surge produces that fear.

    So the point then is this. It seems rather that the irrational anxieties you are suffering from are completely normal.

    Perhaps you need a ceremony. You need to help signal the shift to yourself in every way possible, and to actively reassure yourself that it is right, it is okay.

    1) You no longer are responsible for the survival of vulnerable creatures, and 2) you now get to take that great nurturing ability, honed and perfected over 2 decades, and shower it upon yourself like you were the only flower in the garden. You get to be proud of yourself like you were your own beautiful and precious child (sans fear, for you are the farthest thing from vulnerable in truth). And you get to see how big this blossom will grow.
    Which incidently, can also be a little scary, if you are insecure generally like most people which includes me.

    And that's what I think about that. It is a pleasure to witness your bloom :) It is truly something special. And as it happens, from what an amazing nurturer you were for the past two decades, you are surrounded in a sea of love.

    You can definitely relax, when you are ready. It is definitely safe to relax. At your own time. This is your time. (Breathe that spaciousness in with slow deep calming breaths.) I think you will get used to it before you know it. I suspect.

    :)

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  13. Quiet Girl- wow. Oh wow. I am speechless. I think you covered about all the bases there. But oh yes- it was THREE decades, not two. My oldest is thirty-two.
    Funny you should bring your dog into this conversation. Last night instead of the I-lost-the-baby dream, I had the I-lost-my-dog dream. I found her, barely afloat in cold water after spending an entire night in a tiny pond.
    I think yes, it's all pretty much biological/hormonal and it's why the human race is still alive.
    There have been studies which have suggested that another reason the human species has survived is because of the GRANDMOTHERS.
    Their continued involvement in the raising and protection of the young.
    This makes sense to me.
    But until I have grandchildren, I'll try to learn to relax.
    I'll try.
    I will try.

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  14. And AJ- I'm trying. To learn about this new part of my life AND get a book published.
    I wonder if either will ever happen.

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  15. I imagine that I will have the exact same problem when my children are older. And then I will come to you and beg for advice.

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  16. Yes I realized after it was 3 decades! So what I said times 1.5 times. Extra exclamation point or something.

    And from evoking these feelings, you triggered a dream in me last night too. I had a white fish (like our little baby koi (poloi), that recently croaked). I goofed and ended up with no water to put him in. I think I dropped him too, basically almost killed him for a prolonged period in all sorts of clumsy ways. But when I looked close I could see him still breathing. Long story short, (as I don't want to tempt your hormones to have another dream too! - some sort of hormone contagion!) it ended up with my classic anxiety scenario at the end of being up high on a staircase that is made of twigs and I am about to fall. I woke up freaked out anxious that I never went back and saved the little fish. I really had to bring myself back down from it after I woke up.

    But as you said, it's just feelings. There is no fish. And when I take the time to remember that, to see past the emotion, the fog of fear lifts and dissipates. It does go away doesn't it, when you know what it is. I guess it's an interrupting of the anxiety loop sort of.

    And yes- I think the people in evo bio/psych/demog call it the grandmother hypothesis. If I'm correct, that menopause and the extended life span beyond that time (I guess other animals don't?) are "explained" as an evolutionary adaptation- of having the addition of a grandmother to childcare- representing an increase in the quantity and quality of child investment and thus increasing the relative success of the human organism or something. And I have to say, my grandmother's investment in my early years has a lot to do with how I managed to get into school, and learn about the hypothesis.

    Looops upon loops upon loops. If life is circular, I guess it's up to us to make sure they're good circles. :)

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  17. Aww, I agree with QG that you should just take this time to pamper yourself. But I know that it is hard when you are used to being busy and looking after others. It feels like something is missing, because something that you are used to having there IS missing.

    Sometimes, I think, it seems like when you havfe nothing pressing that you MUST do, that is when you get the most anxious. It seems like it would be the opposite. But when you are busy, busy - running all around occupied, there is less time to think and dwell. Less time to get down on yourself. When it is just you in a empty house, it can be so easy to fall in the hole of self-depricating misery.

    Do something that keeps you busy during the day. It will help you keep your mind in the right place.

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  18. Lady Lemon- I think you are right!

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