Sunday, December 14, 2008

Maybe, Perhaps, Possibly

It's Sunday morning and it's a gray day but it's warmed up since yesterday. We had company on Friday night and those folks were from central Florida which is, believe it or not, another geographical area entirely from north Florida and they couldn't believe how cold it was. Down in the thirties! They marveled at the fact that there was frost on their car windshield and who could blame them? After thirty-four years here I, myself, am often amazed when it gets so cold that there is frost on the ground, on the car.

We go through childhood learning all our lessons and then into young adulthood where we learn even more. There are lessons unlimited, they abound, for us to learn.

The problem comes when the lessons we've learned turn out not to be true, or maybe aren't appropriate any more. It's important to pay attention, take note, wonder at the truth of a new situation.

Things change, y'all.

I've learned a lot of new lessons recently and one of the biggest is that adaptation is not my forte.
I still somehow think that I'm going to be needed at any second. I still somehow think that I need to cook dinner for six or pancakes for ten. I still think that Christmas is going to be horrible because once again, my father is not going to show up, even though he's been dead for almost twenty years and I can just give up waiting for THAT to happen and phew, what a relief!

Last night was such a pleasant evening. We'd had a wonderful time with our company while they were here, just an amazingly great time but Mr. Moon and I had the house back to ourselves again and we played some cards and heated up some leftovers and just enjoyed being together. We've been stressing out about a lot of things recently and somehow we just seemed to let everything go for a while and it turned out to be one of the sweetest times in recent memory.

And believe it or not, I started thinking that maybe I WOULD like a Christmas tree this year. Maybe I WOULD like to have a few presents under it. Maybe I WOULD love for the children to all come out and spend the night on Christmas Eve and make a Christmas morning breakfast of overly-sweet pastries and eggs and sausage and grits.


What in the hell was going on?

And how do I feel about all of that on this gray morning?

Sort of like, hmmmm, yes, well, perhaps I would like all of that.

Maybe realizing where my Christmas bitterness and dread has been coming from all these years HAS proved to be eye-opening and perhaps even life-changing.

A little bit.

I think after play practice this afternoon I might go get the little nativity scene from upstairs and make a place for it on the mantel and cut some magnolia branches to place around it. I can stop at the Winn Dixie on the way home and buy out their stock of votive candles (sold in the traditional Mexican way of being found among the household cleaners- why?) and light those around the nativity where we always place a little Buddha statue next to the manger because he's god too.

Maybe when the Virgin of Guadalupe statue leapt off the place where I keep her in the hallway the other day was a tiny sign that there is magic- PAY ATTENTION.

Maybe it's time to learn new lessons. Maybe it's time to let old ones go.
I don't know. I'm easing into this feeling gently and slowly. I am holding my finger up to see which way the wind is blowing. I am checking my heart for reports of possible thawing and increasing warmth.

I am letting my father go.

I am welcoming and honoring all the love in my life and paying attention to signs and portents.

Maybe I'm learning new lessons.

And maybe, with less sadness and bitterness in this old heart of mine, I'll be able to hear a tiny whisper of joy to the world.

Maybe. Perhaps. Possibly.

We'll see.


  1. What? Well this is a surprise, but actually not really. I know that you love putting up your nativity with the magnolia leaves and Buddha. That's just what you do for Christmas. Now the tree and presents part is a little surprising, but that's perfectly fine with me too. I will come over soon and help with any decorating you may want. Yay!

  2. Oh Mama! Christmas will be fun this year! I'm glad we're doing it at your house. I love you.

  3. Letting go is hard, but in the end, it's worth it. I'm proud of you Mrs. Moon.

  4. The votive candle casting flickering light on the nativity and the Buddha sounds very spiritual and inviting to me. A dear friend of me hates all things Christmas because of alcoholic parents who fought every holiday and ruined everything. She handled it into her late forties by becoming an obsessive gift-giver. A neurotic gift-giver who wouldn't know when to stop. This year she was persuaded to not give those gifts and see what would happen. So far, she has felt a huge relief and not trying to ward off her demons with so much buying and giving. She took her best decorations to a Philippine priest who has his first-ever Christmas tree, and he was overjoyed. So was she.

    We all have to find our way to keep what was comforting and good from our childhoods and get rid of those that were harmful. Sounds to me like you're on the right track here.

  5. Sounds like a little holiday spirit is sneaking in through the cracks in the wall you've put up to keep it out.
    I say go with whatever feels right. It might be just the right time for a clean slate and the feeling of a weight being lifted when you put the past in its rightful place.
    Wishing you peace, no matter what you do for the day.

  6. Look at all this progress! Why, it must be a Christmas Miracle :) :) Haha!!

    Start small. A tree is good, and so is good breakfast. I think I could totally dig one of your breakfasts!

  7. HoneyLuna- Come on home, baby and help me decorate. We'll have giggles.

    Miss Maybelle- Let's have some fun! I love you, too.

    Aunt Becky- thank-you.

    Nannygoat- you are right. I am trying.

    Rachel- wishing you peace, too.

    SJ- maybe a little cedar in a pot would be good. I think I would like that. And you are welcome for breakfast anytime.

  8. Yay! I have to admit, I'm glad. I helped Billy and Shayla set up their tree this weekend, and it made me think about our little Nativity and raspberry sweet rolls.

  9. Raspberry sweet rolls. Hmmmmmm....
    Maybe someday I should actually MAKE the sweet rolls. But I think I'd have to get up at like three in the morning, so forget it.
    And I always think of you when I put Buddha in the nativity because you were the one who did it first.

  10. That's so sweet. I'm glad that you will be with your family. As bullshitty as Christmas can be, being with the people you love is never part of all that.

  11. i wouldn't mind a breakfast of overly-sweet pastries and eggs and sausage and grits (: yum

  12. Well, come on over, Carla. We'll find a place for you and yours.


Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.