Sunday, December 14, 2008
Maybe, Perhaps, Possibly
It's Sunday morning and it's a gray day but it's warmed up since yesterday. We had company on Friday night and those folks were from central Florida which is, believe it or not, another geographical area entirely from north Florida and they couldn't believe how cold it was. Down in the thirties! They marveled at the fact that there was frost on their car windshield and who could blame them? After thirty-four years here I, myself, am often amazed when it gets so cold that there is frost on the ground, on the car.
We go through childhood learning all our lessons and then into young adulthood where we learn even more. There are lessons unlimited, they abound, for us to learn.
The problem comes when the lessons we've learned turn out not to be true, or maybe aren't appropriate any more. It's important to pay attention, take note, wonder at the truth of a new situation.
Things change, y'all.
I've learned a lot of new lessons recently and one of the biggest is that adaptation is not my forte.
I still somehow think that I'm going to be needed at any second. I still somehow think that I need to cook dinner for six or pancakes for ten. I still think that Christmas is going to be horrible because once again, my father is not going to show up, even though he's been dead for almost twenty years and I can just give up waiting for THAT to happen and phew, what a relief!
Last night was such a pleasant evening. We'd had a wonderful time with our company while they were here, just an amazingly great time but Mr. Moon and I had the house back to ourselves again and we played some cards and heated up some leftovers and just enjoyed being together. We've been stressing out about a lot of things recently and somehow we just seemed to let everything go for a while and it turned out to be one of the sweetest times in recent memory.
And believe it or not, I started thinking that maybe I WOULD like a Christmas tree this year. Maybe I WOULD like to have a few presents under it. Maybe I WOULD love for the children to all come out and spend the night on Christmas Eve and make a Christmas morning breakfast of overly-sweet pastries and eggs and sausage and grits.
What in the hell was going on?
And how do I feel about all of that on this gray morning?
Sort of like, hmmmm, yes, well, perhaps I would like all of that.
Maybe realizing where my Christmas bitterness and dread has been coming from all these years HAS proved to be eye-opening and perhaps even life-changing.
A little bit.
I think after play practice this afternoon I might go get the little nativity scene from upstairs and make a place for it on the mantel and cut some magnolia branches to place around it. I can stop at the Winn Dixie on the way home and buy out their stock of votive candles (sold in the traditional Mexican way of being found among the household cleaners- why?) and light those around the nativity where we always place a little Buddha statue next to the manger because he's god too.
Maybe when the Virgin of Guadalupe statue leapt off the place where I keep her in the hallway the other day was a tiny sign that there is magic- PAY ATTENTION.
Maybe it's time to learn new lessons. Maybe it's time to let old ones go.
I don't know. I'm easing into this feeling gently and slowly. I am holding my finger up to see which way the wind is blowing. I am checking my heart for reports of possible thawing and increasing warmth.
I am letting my father go.
I am welcoming and honoring all the love in my life and paying attention to signs and portents.
Maybe I'm learning new lessons.
And maybe, with less sadness and bitterness in this old heart of mine, I'll be able to hear a tiny whisper of joy to the world.
Maybe. Perhaps. Possibly.