Monday, December 1, 2008

Hooked On A Feeling


When I was in the midst of my troubles last summer, I knew that I had reached some level of insanity which I could not battle by myself.

I knew this because the feelings I was having of anxiety and panic and depression were not ones that I could shake off. I could not, no matter how much I walked or slept or read, pass through them. There was no talking myself out of them. There was no getting away from them. There was not one second of escape from them and it was this relentlessness which sent me to the doctor, which brought me to my knees, which scared the holy living shit out of me.

I am not feeling that way now. I still have feelings of anxiety, panic, depression, but they are not constant and even though they are with me more than I'd like, they are not so loud, so overwhelming that I can't fit my life around them.

On Saturday night, I was privileged to be in a situation where I heard some heartfelt truths, and the one that resonated with me the strongest was this one:

A feeling is just a feeling. One day you may feel like killing yourself and the next day you can wake up and everything is great.

How true. That is just life. Feelings pass through us, sometimes they come and settle for awhile, a day or two, a long night or three, but we know, somewhere inside of us that they are not necessarily the truth.

Sometimes I worry that I am too much the product of my emotions, my feelings. I let them toss me and boss me. I let them take me and sometimes they feel as if they might break me. They certainly did feel that way when I was insane.

But you know what? Even then, they did not. They did not kill me, those feelings. They felt as if they would and as if they could, but they didn't.

And when I heard a man say those words on Saturday night, it gave me so much to think about.

It rained here all weekend and you know I love the rain, but after a few days of gray sky, it's possible to forget how it feels when the sun is shining, how different the world feels under a blue sky. And the metaphor of using weather to represent feelings and emotions is so over-used as to be ridiculous, but it's true- the sun does come out. We get up off the couch and we go outside and we are amazed at how different the world looks.

Last night when the rain began to clear, I stood on the back steps and stared in renewed wonder at the way the setting sun was painting the sky with color. The dull pewter had been replaced by a deep blue and the clouds were being stained pink and red and for a few moments I just stood there, appreciating it all, trying to take it all in, trying to give it my full attention. This morning, the sky is completely clear and the Bradford pears and the dogwoods and the Japanese maple are bright orange and red and magenta and the wind is blowing and it's growing chillier. The weather has changed and it will change again, and it's the way that our planet works, it affects everything from the trees to the habits of animals.

And my feelings do affect me, from the way I feel emotionally to the way I feel physically. But I don't have to let them hurt me. I can admit that I feel this way right now but I can know that I won't necessarily feel this way tomorrow. Or even in an hour.

And I am so grateful to have heard that man say those words. That a feeling is just a feeling. And that a feeling passes.

I suppose what I really heard in those words is that I don't have to be so afraid of my feelings. It's not that they aren't real because sometimes they are. But that they will pass. And I don't have to live my life being dictated by each and every emotion I have, tossed like some bit of underwater debris at the mercy of every current.

Those simple words that man spoke on Saturday night have given me a lot to think about. Which is how you know when you're heard the truth.

A feeling is just a feeling. Those words are a tool that I obviously needed to hear. If I hadn't, I would have let the words pass right over me. Or acknowledged them and put them away in a drawer labeled "THE TRUTH."

I don't want to do that. I want to keep the words out where I can see them and use them as often as I need, like the kitchen utensils I use the most and keep in an old pottery vase that was my grandmother's. It sits right there on the kitchen island where I work. I don't have time to go looking through drawers every time I need one of those utensils.

I feel like a have a new tool. One that's as simple and plain as my most-used wooden spoon.

And one that I have a feeling is going to be as useful. If I let it.

I want to let it.

I do.

13 comments:

  1. Blessed words. And so often a feeling loses its power over us if we allow ourselves to fully feel it instead of fighting it. That's one I need to remember. I will say, though, that there is, I believe, such a thing as low serotonin levels, and I believe some of us have more of a problem with that than others. Even here is sunny Mexico (which has, by the way, been getting YOUR "northers" bringing gray skies), I find myself using my little portable GoLite to spring some serotonin into action.

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  2. Let the sunshine in!

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  3. "You're my blue sky, you're my sunny day..." Richard Betts
    Listen to "Blue Sky" by Dicky on "Eat a Peach" and then listen to "Jessica" on "Brothers and Sisters" also by Dicky. Mmm-good.

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  4. Don't laugh but there's nothing quite like listening to John Philip Sousa when you're down. Just try being depressed while you listen to him! ;) The music is so BIG, so GRAND! :)

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  5. I am just saying "hi." Also, I am glad you heard something on Saturday that was helpful to you. :)

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  6. Ms. Lo- I agree with everything you said, although John Philip Sousa makes me a little crazy. But, perhaps I should try that one.

    Magnum- isn't it a beautiful day? The sun IS shining.

    Okay, B. Boy. I'll try that, too.

    Nicol- back at ya. You're sweet.

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  7. Here's my favorite phrase about this: "Feelings aren't facts." Simple, true, and helps remind you of the truth. So glad you're feeling better, Ms. Moon.

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  8. Well, then, Ms. Moon, Scott Joplin is a good next choice! :)

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  9. Aunt Becky- that's great. Feelings aren't facts. Or, as I would probably say, "Feelings AIN'T facts."
    Thanks for that.

    And Lopo- Scott Joplin would work especially well if my Lizzie would come play it for me on my piano.

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  10. Nice post Ms. Moon. And it sure is easy to let our feelings get the best of us especially when we are feeling blue. I was definitely feeling that way today but I feel a lot better now that I expressed myself on my blog. Hope you are feeling wonderful.

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  11. When I find something that important I print it out in pretty letters and put it somewhere to read reverently everyday. Maybe you already do that. If you already have, I suggest you put glitter on it as I enjoyed your card very very much!

    Once in a while that's occurred to me to, although not as clearly. Realizing that I would not be so miserable in the morning was a consolation at times, but I'm not conditioned to remember it as often as I should. Hmmm perhaps I should pull out the glitter too.

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  12. i can never trust my feelings/emotions - they are so crazy and change from minute to minute!! i think thats one of the blessings/curses of being a woman... with all our crazy hormones and all!

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  13. Good words, Ms Moon.

    One of my favorite sayings at times of extreme distress is "this too shall pass". Sort of another way of putting the same idea. No matter how bad you feel at any given time, it WILL pass. It can be so hard to keep that in mind when things are bad, can't it? Still, I think it's helpful to try.

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