I am anxious. So anxious.
I stayed as busy as I could today. I washed clothes and hung them on the line. I went to Monticello to pick up a processed deer and went to the grocery store and the farmer's market to buy greens for Thanksgiving because my garden, although full of plenty for two people, hasn't got enough collards for me to bring to Lily's for the dinner. The man brought out a bundle that took two arms to hold. $3.99.
They took up about a quarter of the back of my car and collards are not like other greens- they do not cook down to nothing. I will have to cook those in my giant pot and there will be too many, I know it. With all of the Thanksgiving riches of food, collards will not be high on most people's priorities but I have to make them. It's tradition.
I came home and put the frozen packages of venison in the freezer, the collards in the refrigerator in the garage. I went to Tallahassee to take Hank some meat and we had a quick lunch and then I drove to Lily's where I stayed with Maggie and Gibson while Lily went to an appointment which turned out to be for next week but we're all doing things like that now. Getting everything mixed up and turned around and shaking our heads and saying, "God. What's wrong with me?"
Back home. Clothes off the line, wandering around the house wondering what I should be doing. Watering porch plants, accessing cold damage- not much, not much.
It was good to be with Hank. It was good to be with Gibson and with Maggie. Maggie throws herself at me and laughs and cuddles and then throws herself away to do do perilous toddler things. She is walking everywhere. She can say "Mer Mer" when she feels like it, she can kiss when she feels like it.
Here's a picture that Lily sent today from there walk in the local park where someone had made a flower-heart.
This is perfection as she is perfection.
Mr. Moon reports there has been a wreck on the highway and traffic is stopped. The ambulance and the wrecker have gone by. No traffic moving in either direction. He has had two incredibly long days. I want him home. I made soup last night and I want him home to eat his soup and come to bed. I want him safe.
I want all of us safe. Every one of us on this planet and of course, that cannot be and never will.
I have nothing to say because my heart feels as little and tight as a tiny stone, its weight too heavy to bear. Nothing feels safe, not really and the usual small comforts do nothing but carry me through the day until I can lay down in my bed and sleep again.
I am so sorry. I want to have a place here where people can come for comfort, for sustenance, for reassurance and all I have is nothing and I'm sorry and it will not be forever thus and that is all I can offer, can hope for from this small and stoney heart.