Thursday, November 10, 2016
Lord, I Need To Get A Grip
As the sun goes down my anxiety and fear rise and although I was able for most of the day to push things aside in order to be fully present for these two, I'm here alone now and it's just hard.
I don't mind being alone, I love solitude, but these nights when the sun goes down so suddenly early leave too much dark night time ahead of me and it keeps hitting me over and over again that this thing has really happened, that that man is the President Elect and just seeing pictures of him in the White House with the president I have come to love and respect above all of the others makes me sick and sad and horrified.
There is still no sense to be made of any of it. There's no one person or group of people to blame, to violently shake my finger at and hate.
I wish I could. God, that would feel so good.
I did shoot a bird at my neighbors' house when I drove by today, their Trump/Pence sign still proudly stuck into their yard a few feet away from their permanent Easter sign which proudly proclaims, "He is RISEN!"
It didn't help.
Lord, I'm sucking at life right now. You want to know how bad I'm sucking at life? I drove through McDonald's and got Gibson a fucking happy meal after I picked him up at school. And if that's not bad enough, I ordered a damn filet o' fish for myself AND a small order of french fries.
I have to admit that the filet o' fish was pretty tasty but the fries sucked.
I bet it's been forty years at least since I had a fish sandwich at McDonald's.
Yeah, well, it'll be another forty years before I have another at which point I'll have been dead for a very long time although I have no doubt that there will still be a McDonald's but the point IS, I've dropped to new lows fueled by the feeling that what the hell can matter now? I mean, we're screwed.
And not even just by the fact that DT is going to be president with a Republican house and senate.
Nah, nah, that's just really fucked up.
No, the we're screwed thing is that so many of us in this country hitched a ride on the hate train for whatever reason or reasons and that didn't happen because they're happy and loving people with humanity's best interests at heart and it was so nice to be able to pretend that sure, there were definitely pockets of haters here and there who wished harm to others because of their race or gender or sexual preference but THOSE WERE THE EXCEPTION and overall, well, golly gosh by gum, this is just a great nation and mostly made up of real good folks who don't care what color your skin is and just love a good 4th of July parade and who doesn't?! Pass the potato salad, y'all! Everyone loves potato salad! And watermelon too!
So. I remember after Katrina and someone said something like the way that had been handled and what the aftermath revealed had let the whole world see American's dirty underpants and I keep thinking about that and how this election has not just shown the whole world our dirty underpants but the fact that we're not even wearing any.
We ain't that civilized.
And we haven't bathed in centuries.
It just occurred to me that perhaps DT's presence in the White House will just magically take care of that so-called immigration problem. Who the hell would want to come live here now?
See? His plan is already working!
Let me be the first to point that out.
But here we are and what's done is done and I don't have any answers except the same one I always have which is to love each other and especially the babies. Get their tanks filled up now with the pure good juice of it so that when they grow up they aren't as apt to have any room for the hate and the anger which leads to more hate and anger and shit like this happening.
I will say that if people were not as scared about health care and where their next meal is coming from and where they're going to lay their heads at night and how their children are going to be able to support themselves they might not be so inclined to be blinded by hate mongers but that's the sort of thing that the government has to deal with and our government is too busy dealing with things like preventing women from receiving health care and making sure that people use the bathroom that corresponds to their birth-genitals and guaranteeing that any asshole with a mental illness can buy an assault weapon and that we're protected from the perils of legal weed and that pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies can have real good years to prove to the stockholders that they're doing their job and that we have plenty of bombs in the old stockpile for someone like DT to come along and decide to see what happens if he punches in those codes and that the ultra rich can hold on to their fortunes to worry about basic human needs. And rights.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Hush. Hush yo' mouth.
Maybe I'm in the anger phase of grief?
Possibly. And in ten minutes I'll be back in denial and then perhaps I'll try bargaining, and of course depression is always waiting in the wings, make-up in place, script memorized.
Will I ever get to acceptance?
I fucking hope not.
Well, the moon is rising up, big-bellied and if she were a woman, she'd be eight months pregnant and she doesn't care what's going on here. She's going to pull her tides and create her havoc and inspire lovers and make my cats crazy and disturb our dreams no matter what.
That's sort of reassuring.
Oh. Maybe this is all just a super moon dream and we'll wake up and it'll all be okay.
What stage are you in?
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I'm in denial. Absolutely. I turn NPR away from all political news so quickly. Hid posting pro-Trump friends who I never had to hide before.ReplyDelete
It hurts and I don't want to think about it. And why do I have to? My coming to terms with it all doesn't matter a goddamn in the scheme of things.
I'm right now eating Popeye's so that feeling that the world is ending and we should do whatever we want is strong in me.
I'm also ignoring lots of my leftie friends, too. Their passion today may dissipate and so I don't much pay attention. I SWEAR TO END THE WORLD OF HATE and I'm like: oh yes, nice, could you please pass me a biscuit?
I just can't believe it's true and I think there's a good likelihood that I'll spend the next four years in total denial and who cares if I do.
And to clarify, I will never turn my head away from facing oppression or any of that. I am committed to being the very best ally I can be. But all this talking? blah blah blah. Let me know when the revolution's starting so I can learn to tweet.Delete
I'm so overwhelmed with it all I don't even have words.Delete
Anger. Intense anger at Trump supporters. That's where I am.ReplyDelete
Anger can feel powerful and that's not horrible.Delete
Anger. Really dark intense burning rage. I am so fucking angry I am just beside myself.ReplyDelete
I am perpetually stuck in the anger phase. Have been since I was a teenager. Now it just feels really really justified.ReplyDelete
I love you.
I love you, too.Delete
Oh honey bunch. He's not my president. I'm gonna ignore him as much as I can. I can't listen to him on the radio or TV. He's displacing those beautiful Obamas. He's taking away health care from MY clients who are poor and pregnant.ReplyDelete
So this is what I'm doing. I made molasses cookies to take to my wonderful Buddhist sangha of people of color and allies tonight. I'm currently watching Purple Rain because Prince was a golden god and sexy and a genius and he makes me happy.
AND baby Edwin was born this morning after a fast labor which I almost missed. His daddy is Mexican and his momma is white and he's gorgeous; fat and brown and tons of black hair. I want a world that embraces him as he is and as he becomes. And I will continue to live there cuz I can't be in anger and hopelessness when the babies come
out so full of light.
Mary, eternal love for you. XXXX
That last paragraph- and that is why I will have eternal love for you, Beth Coyote.Delete
You've made me cry.
I still feel sick. My stomach. Like sobbing. Feeling deeply alone and depressed. Embarrassingly so.ReplyDelete
Me too. All of that, Joanne.Delete
Back and forth from anger to a crushing feeling of impending doom. Sending love and thinking of Owen.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Barbara.Delete
I hear you on the crushing feeling of impending doom.
Yesterday was about stunned, quiet reflection. Alongside terror,anxiety & grief. Today within moments of waking up I was filled with rage & anger! I have been home alone & done nothing but rant & rave out loud. I have had whole conversations with different *christian* family members & what I will say to them at Thanksgiving dinner. I'm thinking it might be best for me to skip it this year. Things might not end well & my elderly parents don't deserve that. My poor pup thinks I am angry at him so I have to periodically calm down & love on him to reassure him all is well. I wish someone could do the same for me. Bless my husbands heart for letting me rant when he came home from work and appropriately chiming in with disgust with me. I have eaten waay too much chocolate today & fought the urge to go get Häagen-Dazs Strawberry ice cream. Tomorrow I just might give in though. Fuck it all! I want a new planet, this one is broken. Or maybe Mexico. I've never been but you sure make it sound inviting!ReplyDelete
It's impossible to know how to feel or how to act. Or even what to eat- nothing really helps, does it?Delete
It's just all so fucking fucked up.
I'm still sad. And nauseated.ReplyDelete
You are such a fabulous writer. As much as I feel your pain, I love the way you put things. The bit about "We haven't bathed in centuries." Awesome, and so true.ReplyDelete
I am working on acceptance, though I'm still hella depressed. I keep reminding myself that acceptance doesn't mean I have to LIKE this. Just that I will realize it happened and keep moving.
I really think most of the Trump supporters are NOT active haters. They may be conservative and they may have different ideas from mine, especially on social issues, but I don't think they're haters. I think they're just desperate and wanted to lob a grenade into Washington. Which they certainly have done.
I hope they're prepared, though, for the fact that Trump isn't going to solve all their problems. Those rust belt manufacturing jobs are gone forever, because it's not just NAFTA but modernity that ended so many of them. Assembly lines with hundreds of workers are a thing of the past. There will come a time when disillusionment over Trump kicks in among his supporters.
The incredibly toxic mixture of hate (and I do believe there was a lot of it) and desperation about jobs which have been lost to technology and other countries combined with people's absolute desire to want to believe such a liar is what brought us here. Oh yeah, the disillusion will kick in but it will be too late, too late, too late.Delete
I'm the Anon. from Australia, come by way of Time Goes By. Grateful to read of like minded comments. Three days in front of the computer, trying to make sense of it. Its like the fall of an empire. All empires: Roman, British fail. So was it America's turn? A nation that voted twice for that idiot Bush. Then unbelievably voted for Obama - unbelievable! America certainly lucked out there.ReplyDelete
But now Donny??? If this is a backlash against a black President, then I keep thinking would Hillary's election have resulted in increased domestic violence - men thinking their women were getting uppity. I am bereft as if a family member has died.
I hate hearing/listening to Donny, quickly change the channel (hated him from Apprentice days, the pompous buffoon). I was looking forward to his idiotic surrogates disappearing with him. Hate his Kellyanne with a passion - the breathless, pretend goody goody hypocrite, pivoting all the time. Also hate weasel Ryan, and chinless Mitch.
I keep on thinking: if this is how I feel, how would Hillary be feeling?! To work so hard, for so long, and then lose to an idiot. Ignorance has won over intelligence. America: how can you be so very bright, humane, wonderful - and then so very stupid?!
One should never underestimate the stupidity of the American voters. This election proved that.Delete
Hey Annie- welcome to this community. You will find us very like-minded. I can't help but agree with everything you've said. We feel so sick. Please forgive our country. We're obviously not right. Not right at all.Delete
Not Blank- You are completely right.
HI Ms Moon - I enjoyed your blog and it was good to share our thoughts. I will be back.Delete
Mary every word you said is how I feel about what has happened to my country. Britain that is. I suppose our bastards don't come across as so dramatically vile as Trump but they are. We have had years of it under this festering carbuncle of a government. They are corrupt and are being investigated for election fraud although no one thinks they will not get away with it. Many of it's members are vile cruel heartless people robbing the poor to give more and more to the rich. Our infrastructure has been wrecked. Our pensions have been stolen. Our poor and disabled have been robbed so dramaticaly that thousands have died as a result. Our magnificent health service has been run down by them parts of it sold off by stealth and before long they will be able to say it is not fit for purpose and we will adopt the American model. My heart breaks when I hear Trump saying he will reverse Obamacare. I have envied you the Obamas. I don't know why I am telling you all this. I am sure it is of no help. I suppose I am just saying I get it. Maggi xReplyDelete
What is going ON in this world? It scares me so much. Oh, Maggi!Delete
I'm numb. Is that part of denial or have I skipped anger and bargaining and moved right into depression?ReplyDelete
Who knows? How do you tell? Not me.Delete
I'm at bargaining. If he forgives all student loans and nominates Obama for the Supreme Court, I'll rethink this. Wait. Maybe I'm still stuck in denial. Or maybe there's another stage called delusion. Cause have you looked at his proposed cabinet? Rudy Guiliani for attorney general? Ben Carson for education secretary? Peter Thiel to run the transition? Shivers.ReplyDelete
It just gets worse and worse, doesn't it? Unbelievable.Delete
And frankly, delusion would be an okay place to be.
It's funny, I did the exact same thing to ease my pain - took my grandson to McDonalds and bought myself a fish fillet sandwich. It didn't kill the pain. I'm willing to try a Whopper before I move on to the stronger stuff. But seriously, I alternate between killing despair and hyperactive hope. I have also joined some political groups and I yesterday I started volunteering for the Florida Chapter of Pantsuit Nation. If you haven't done so already, you may want to. It is the Florida chapter that "secret" group Hillary smilingly referred to in her concession speech. Good people. For the first time in a few years I don't feel so alone.ReplyDelete
Whoops, meant to write "It is the Florida chapter OF that "secret" group.Delete
That's a great thing to do, Colette! Pantsuit Nation is such a good place of support for us who feel so hopeless and helpless.Delete
I'd try a Whopper too. I'm thinking though, that heroin might work better.
But what I really want to say, is what is most important, which is, omg, look at Maggie's smile!ReplyDelete
That's why I keep sliding these pictures of my babies in. They are the most important. I weep for them and yet, I still believe their lives will be love-filled in all the ways that matter.Delete
Or at least, I hope so.
I'm late to the commenting, but I feel worse as the days go by. Or maybe I'm just FEELING where I was sort of numb before. I don't know anything.ReplyDelete
yeah, I'm at the point where I can forget about it temporarily but then the reality sets in and he is still the president elect though I will never call him president. I don't care if he does surprize us all and actually does some good things (unlikely with this congress, he is still a liar and a cheat, still a vindictive racist bigoted misogynist who bragged about being a sexzual predator. this is an immoral man who is surrounding himself with the most incompetent bigots he can find.ReplyDelete
I am at the point that I say he is not my president nor will he ever be. He is an alien being. I have no acceptance or resignation at this point, but I do have resolve to keep agitating as much as I can.ReplyDelete