Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Okay. I'm Shaking But That's Okay

Okay.
I've been up for hours and am still in complete shock. I am literally stunned.
How could this have happened?
Well, I think Mr. Moon, aka Zen Glen, probably summed it up when he said, "It was all the chicken shits. The chicken shits who knew they were going to vote for him but wouldn't admit it."

Thoughts are racing through my head which, at the same time, feels like a block of cement.
I took the trash and knocked over two plants on the kitchen porch. I cut my knuckle. I forget what I'm doing in the two steps it takes me to cross the kitchen.

We are grieving, people. We have to be careful with ourselves. Do you hear me on that? And with grief, comes an inability to think properly, to be attentive. So. Really try to take care of yourself and your children and those you may be responsible for today.
That's number one, I think.
Dead ain't gonna help.

Now what?

See. I don't know. Neither do you. We can sit around all day and despair at what may happen. I'm doing it.
"Well, there goes the environment," I said to my husband, apropos of nothing as we were eating breakfast.
But we don't really know, do we? And I think we may have to simply be patient for a bit to see where this particular train wreck is truly headed.
Once we get our bearings, we'll have more information with which to...what? Fight? Organize? Move to Italy? Build a bomb shelter? Start volunteering? Take up Buddhism?
Yeah. Right now, this second, we have to breathe.
Breathe and eat and drink water. And take care of ourselves and those around us.

I'd like to say that I'm not completely disgusted and horribly angry at the citizens of my country.
I'd like to say that I'm not going to suffer from PTSD every time that man opens his mouth.
I'd like to say that I have some hope.
I'd like to say that somehow we'll come out of this stronger. And better.
I'd like to say that I'm not embarrassed to be an American.
I'd like to say love will overcome.
I'd like to say that we have nothing to fear except fear itself.

But right now, right this second, I can't say any of that.

So. Breathing, eating, drinking water. Taking care of ourselves and each other. Trying to be patient before leaping to action.

What are you doing? How are you dealing? Are you crying? I can't even cry. I'm too stunned. Are you medicating? I wouldn't judge you for that. Are you donating to Planned Parenthood? That would be a good thing to do. Are you hiding in your bed? That's fine. Are you obsessively reading on social media? Me too. Are you hurting, angry, scared, sick, questioning everything and every one you thought you knew?
Me too.

I just watched Hillary give her concession speech.
She was magnificent.
She IS magnificent.

Breathe. Eat. Drink. Take care.
Don't give up. Just...don't. Don't. We can't.

And it occurs to me, finally, for now, that fear is what got us into this mess.
Fear ain't gonna get us out.

Take care. Take care.

I love you.

Mary

P.S. And please, let us NOT FORGET that Hillary got the most votes. That helps. Somehow, it really does.

55 comments:

  1. I just heard Hillary's concession speech and found myself tearing up at all that's been lost.
    Currently my reaction had been an immediate reach for the off button on my radio when Trump's voice occurs. I'm avoiding all news, all media. If I had a cave, I'd go in there and roll that big boulder right across the front of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like my brain has gone into a cave and pulled the boulder in front of it. I really do.

      Delete
  2. I'm just sitting here at work still stunned. I want to cry. I feel the tears welling up but they don't come. I'm just so very very sad. And I expect these tears are going to run sometime but it'll be for something else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. It will happen. I'm just not ready for it yet.

      Delete
  3. Your husband is dead on about the chickenshits who were planning to vote for him all along and were too embarrassed to admit it. I'm angry, shocked, shaken, and stirred. I don't know up from down right now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can't cry. The despair is so much deeper than mere tears. I am eating and resting and reading. That is all I can manage right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm doing domestic chores and trying to stay out of the bed. I'm not sure why.

      Delete
  5. I can't cry. The despair is so much deeper than mere tears. I am eating and resting and reading. That is all I can manage right now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel your pain.....I am writing that a lot today in blogland

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My fervent hope is that you don't really ever have to feel pain which this man creates. My hopes for that, fervent as they may be, are dim.
      I'm so sorry.

      Delete
  7. Yes to every word of this post ~ I'm still staggering around in a fog of disbelief.
    Your words help and Hillary's speech helped. Our President spoke, our incredible, amazing, wise, compassionate president. We have been so unbelievably lucky to have had him and Michelle for the past eight years. I'm holding on to that as I make my way through the shock and despair we are now forced to live with and accept.

    But, as our beloved President Obama said, "The sun is up." We have to get through this and move forward as best we can. Love to all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The funny thing is- the sun IS up but hidden behind gray and gloomy clouds. Fitting.
      Love to you, sweet Lulumarie.

      Delete
  8. BBC news has been on all day in our house. Talk talk talk, yet it - the horror - simply refuses to sink in. The whole world is scared of what comes next, except for the morons who voted for the orange monster who have no idea what’s going to hit them.

    It’s Brexit for the Brits all over, except there too the morons won. Where to escape to? As a European I have nowhere left to go what with Putin threatening Eastern Europe, Britain cutting itself off from civilisation and Trump dominating the future of the West.

    You said it all: just breathe, look after yourself and those you love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's certainly all I can manage today. And I'm not doing any of those things very well.
      Please forgive our country.

      Delete
  9. I went to bed early (early lab tests this morning) but woke up at 2 am and turned the TV on. I admit I just wanted to revel in seeing his concession speech, and let out a horrible noise when I saw the results. Woke my hubby up and all he said was 'we're fucked.' Later he said we both may need to go back to work because our retirement accounts, which we saved for years so we could live comfortably in our old age, could very well be worthless in a short time. Cy have spent my day in a fog, and yes, I'm pissed at the chickenshits!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. We are all facing vast uncertainty.

      Delete
  10. Thank you so much for these words I so badly need to read. You have expressed perfectly what I feel and think, this numbness and sense of impending doom that has taken hold of me has been relieved a bit with your words on fear, so true it's not gonna fix it. Wish I knew what is.
    xoxo
    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  11. https://www.facebook.com/marybeth.bonfiglio/posts/1341524879274533
    I think this is right

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not for me. Today is not a day for me to be told how to feel. It may well be for her, though.

      Delete
  12. I can't stop crying. But goddamn if I will live my life in fear. I will use my privilege to help others. I will stand against fear. I am so scared that everything I have as a woman, everything my friends have as lesbians, my stepson's life-saving health insurance, all of it will be taken away. And there are people more scared than I, people whose very lives and bodies are at risk now more than ever. All I can do, all any of us can do, is commit to doing the work. Keep writing. Keep speaking out. Keep fighting. we were born to do this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, Ramona. That is one thing I am sure of- we have to do what we were born to do and if that means speaking out, standing by, witnessing, reporting, then that is what we must do. The uncertainty is overwhelming but we can't future-trip at this second. It does no good. But we are humans. How can we help it?

      Delete
  13. I cried when I told my daughter this morning. I tried to hide it, but she saw. She's only eight years old, but she flopped onto my bed. I told her I had hoped I would be able to tell her that today we had our first woman president. She said, "There should have been ten by now." My son cried when he woke up, and I told him. Somehow, talking to them and trying to comfort them was a balm to me, and I felt okay for a few hours. Then I dropped them off at a class they go to, and as soon as I was alone, I cried again. Ugh. I am simply stunned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too, darling. Instead of my grandchildren never knowing a world when I woman couldn't be president, they will know the reality of this world.
      It makes me physically ill. As if that were any worse than mentally ill and I'm dancing in the light of that one, let me tell you.

      Delete
    2. Yes, I hear that. I've been sick to my stomach and filled up with anxiety. Until this morning, I did not realize how certain I was that she was going to win. I agree with you that somehow, it does help that she won the popular vote.

      Delete
  14. Thanks for asking how we're doing. I needed that too, I guess. Thank you for writing. I had to take half a pill just to go to work at THE LIBRARY. And my eyes keep filling up and I keep getting weird chills. I'm trying to be okay. I can't even imagine how people who are much more effected by this horror than I ever will be are feeling.xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah. This is literally making us sick. Let's love each other. And keep going to libraries. This we CAN do.

      Delete
  15. didn't cry until about a half hour ago when my tiny city results were posted- we went blue even though my county and state went red. i feel even more strongly about my decision to go back into the classroom now, and be the wokest white-ish lady i can be to advocate for my students.

    with much love and all props <3

    xxalainaxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are doing the work you were put here to do and you will create change in ways that politicians never will.
      Thank you.

      Delete
  16. I have only just now been able to come on the internet, I have been in a place that is dark & full of despair. As always, Bless Our Hearts is my first visit because I know, like one of your children said recently...You always make it better. You do. This post was the balm I needed for my soul. I am paralyzed & overcome by the emotions I am feeling. I haven't felt anything like this since the first hard months after Ben's death. So when I read your words, "We are grieving, people" it struck me to my core. Yes. This is grief. I had not been able to identify what it was. So now maybe I can begin to process it. It will be a long journey I am sure, full of hills and valleys. I am so thankful for you, and all your beautiful commenters, that are here to hold each other up during this sorrowful time in our lives. Love is the only way out. May we all find some peace.
    Angie D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. May we all find some peace. Yes. And we're all going to experience this differently. And we're going to look for answers that simply are not there. And we have to hold on.
      And remember how to love which sometimes is very hard in grief.

      Delete
  17. I came here to read what you've written, dear Mary, of the grandkids and chickens and home births and gardens and sweet, deer hunting husband.

    My heart is broken, for us all. It's a new scary world and we don't know what will happen but we can imagine.

    This morning I sat with a woman and her husband who had to make a terrible choice to deliver their very deformed baby at 23 weeks, after an induction of labor. They have two healthy children and this child would have died at birth or shortly after so they decided to go through with the birth now. And amidst their grief is this awful election where the access to a second trimester termination may be taken away.

    And so many other things..we stand to lose so much. I despair of families of color and queers and immigrants and on and on. I fear my fellow Americans and their hatred and violence. He has unleashed the hounds of hell which have been percolating for how long???

    O my country---how we have fallen.

    X B

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep thinking, "We're screwed. We're screwed. We're screwed."
      That is not a good mantra. I have to change it in my head. But for right now, it's the one I have.
      Isn't it just the most insane nightmare? Isn't it?
      I love you, Beth. Hold tight.

      Delete
  18. I am medicating. I took two Ativan and went to bed. I can't cry. It was like after my mom died. Just a feeling of the world falling from under my feet and nobody is here to stop it. And then I feel guilty because I am Canadian. But I have never been one to see boarders as important. We are citizens of this earth. Reaching out my hand from Canada to everyone that is hurting rigth now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, sweet woman. I feel your hand and it comforts me. You are right about borders. Don't feel guilty. Just be grateful that you are where you are and keep sending your love to us.

      Delete
  19. I had to go out just now and run a couple of errands, and I kept seeing little girls with their moms and every time it made the tears flow. I'm afraid for the future of all women in this country now that Trump/Pence are in power. Thank God I don't have daughters....or sons....today. Just seeing other people's children is breaking my heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. I'm so glad I didn't have to go out into the world today. I could not have handled it.

      Delete
  20. My children kept running in last night to tell me the latest (bad) news. 11 and 15, their electronic devices tethered to the results, watching the states, wondering how in the world this could happen. Alarmed, filled with fear, they fell asleep just past midnight and when they woke and I told them, they both cried. It makes me sick to my stomach, that something so powerful and a lesson so large has to be taught in this way-the way that makes absolutely no common sense.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No sense of any kind. None.
      We are all sick. We are all in such distress over what we've done to our children's world and their future. We must hold each other up. We have no other real choice.

      Delete
  21. So many tears are being shed. Tears of sheer frustration and sorrow that we could do this to ourselves. How could this be?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that is the most unanswerable question of all because any of the answers we can come up with are horrifying.

      Delete
  22. I saw just awhile ago a headline that Paul Ryan said that Trump has a mandate???? Without the popular vote?? LN

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. None of it makes any sense. Not this or anything else.

      Delete
  23. I'm on the couch. Sick sick sick. Maybe I have strep. Maybe I died. Maybe I'm dreaming. But," I still believe as deeply as I ever have that if we stand together and work together with respect for our differences, strength in our convictions, and love for this nation, our best days are still ahead of us." I'm with her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love your optimistic heart, Denise, and I've been wondering if I have strep too. We probably all have grief which is just as, if not more so, painful and debilitating. But take care of yourself- please. You are loved.

      Delete
  24. I have been medicating, searching social media and bitching with my liked minded coworkers. I am heartsick. Gail

    ReplyDelete
  25. I stayed in bed today. Just couldn't get up. Sad. Mad. Hysterical. Unbelieving. I would fall asleep for a little while, then wake up and realize the tragedy that unfolded last night. And cried some more.
    I am trying to get past the hate that I feel for his supporters, and him, since I know that hate is not the way to proceed. I have worked on that all day, without much success. I have avoided all the news networks and the newspaper.
    Tomorrow, perhaps, I will be prepared to face the depressing reality that now IS. I pray for my biracial granddaughter and all children that we hope to raise as compassionate, responsible adults.
    Cathy
    Maryland

    ReplyDelete
  26. I love you, Mary, and you are right as always. And Mr. Moon was dead right about the chickenshits too. I hope that the Trump voter/morons are happy in 4 years with what they have sowed. Problem is, the rest of us will be swept up and mired in what they reaped right along with them.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I love you, Mary, and you are right as always. And Mr. Moon was dead right about the chickenshits too. I hope that the Trump voter/morons are happy in 4 years with what they have sowed. Problem is, the rest of us will be swept up and mired in what they reaped right along with them.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I agree that it helps to know Hillary won the popular vote, for what it's worth. I suspect that's what she's clinging to, too.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm finally calming down enough to go back and read posts instead of angrily bashing out my own. I didn't cry. I went from disbelief to disgust to being really pissed. I'm calmer now but I intend to rub their noses in it.

    ReplyDelete
  30. It helped me to listen to what Garrison Keillor wrote in an essay for the Washington Post. It is all on the Repubs now because they will control all three branches--after the orange one nominates the Justice to replace Scalia. So it helps me to realize that I am powerless over those MF's. I just have to say that because otherwise I will lose my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  31. It helped me to listen to what Garrison Keillor wrote in an essay for the Washington Post. It is all on the Repubs now because they will control all three branches--after the orange one nominates the Justice to replace Scalia. So it helps me to realize that I am powerless over those MF's. I just have to say that because otherwise I will lose my mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That helps me too- to know that I really have no control beyond what I see and hear personally. And that THAT I can do something about.

      Delete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.