Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm Just A Mess Today

Woke up this morning wanting nothing more than to crawl in a hole and lick my wounds but I have no wounds, just the same old, old ones.
The sort of day where I have to wonder if it's the anniversary of someone's death whom I loved but which I've forgotten with my mind but my body maybe not or maybe that's not it at all, it's just a mood, a moon, and Mercury is in retrograde, or so they say and I don't believe in that shit anyway although maybe I do a little and to tell you the truth, that article I read may have been old or misinformed.

In my quest for The Great Mushroom Journey which I am hoping to take around my 60th birthday (should I be writing about this? I mean, for some unaccountable reason, these mushrooms are illegal to possess) I took a different walk today. I walked down the highway across Lloyd Creek

and it was hot and the logging trucks kept thundering down the road, forcing me to walk in the grass where ticks live but it wasn't so bad. I took a little side road where I used to walk a long time ago and it is beautiful and clay and dirt and thick woods enclosing the road from both sides like a dark, shady lover's arms. I used to dig ferns in those woods and they are the ones that grow now in my camellia bed.

I felt all alone in the world, no scat, no prints except for one dainty deer print. I walked up to where there used to be a cow pasture but now it is planted in something and no cows were in sight. I did, however, see these beautiful Morning Glories.

I trudged home, drenched in sweat and I actually took note of my shoes, which I think of as relatively new, to realize they have holes in both toes and are breaking down on the sides. 
I don't even care. My body is much the same. Breaking down, for sure. And doesn't everything? It's all constantly trying to return to chaos, to dust, to that which mushrooms would thrive on. Mushrooms and worms and bugs of all sorts which do their pre-ordained job of breaking it all down so that there is room for new growth (yes, I realize there is always new growth) and sometimes I just grow weary thinking of it all, how there is no catching up and you can eat clean and you can do detoxes and you can exercise and take your supplements and floss your teeth and you can paint your house and you can weed your garden and you can cut your grass and trim your bush (yes, I meant to say that) and it's all going to fall apart anyway, every damn bit of it.

Somehow today that just pisses me off. 

Tomorrow I may take comfort in the same thoughts. 

The young chickens have finally made their way to the little banana/flower bed by the kitchen where the older chickens spend hours every day, scratching and pooping. 

I never have to weed that bed. The Voodoo lily, which you can see if you look closely, is still growing but has no color. I wonder what it's going to do. Whatever it does, it will die after a time of glory.

But yes, of course, of course, the lily will spread and there will be more another year and it does go that way, there is that promise. 

I need to take the trash, to sweep the floor, to do the laundry, to make the bed, to do all of the things I did yesterday or the day before. All of these things, over and over and that is life and maybe that's why the creation of something, whether art or craft, is such a glorious thing- it is stopping time and making something new among all of the old, old, old.

I roasted those carrots last night with tiny cut-up peeled sweet potatoes and a sliced Vidalia onion, tossed with olive oil and a little bit of brown sugar and they were delicious. 

Thank god for food. 

I think I will go eat some. 

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I'm feeling much the same, so perhaps there's something to be said about Mercury and all that jazz. I might have a donut this morning for the hell of it all.

  2. I can never see too many pics of your chickens.

    And as for the mushrooms - I know you are not stupid but please be careful not to kill yourself. A couple of years ago my mom ate a little piece of a cool looking mushroom she took to show her co-workers. After she ate it she thought "I probably shouldn't have done that". And then she proceeded to almost die.

  3. I don't believe in Mercury retrograde either until it kicks my ass. And then it's good to have a reason to pin things on. Some days are just like this. Rock with it, my love, until the world turns again. Hugs.

  4. Elizabeth- I ate my fifth bowl of soybeans and rice in the same number of days. Somehow I never get tired of those things.

    Jill- Oh, I will be careful. Not my first mushroom rodeo. I'm sorry about your mother though! I'm so glad she did not die!

    Angella- It's good to have something to blame the unknowable on, isn't it?

  5. I'm having kind of a gray day myself. I think it may have something to do with the two inches of rain we got yesterday. If I don't see sunshine soon I may crack! I had a long 'to do' list this morning, but so far all I've accomplished is a load of laundry, a picking of green beans, and eating my homemade pico de gallo by the spoonful. Oh, and that last thing? It wasn't really on my 'to do' list.

  6. http://www.ismercuryinretrograde.com/

    If you go there, they will say: YES.

    I felt like a bear this morning too. I couldn't shake it and took it to work with me. Some days, lady. Some fucking days.

    I would never take a magic mushroom journey, but if I was going to for the first time, it would probably be around my sister-in-law's wedding in August. Not that I ever ever would.

  7. Oo, the veg sounds amazing.

    If you come visit Ireland in the right season, I will send you out with my brother on a special mushy picking adventure :)

  8. Yes, trimming the bush is a redundant waste of time.

    And I do envy your chickens so


  9. I just love you, Mary dear. I'm going walking in the dark because I just got home and I need to move my old bones.

    XXXXXXX Beth

  10. My friend opened a store and she sells olive oil and balsamic vinegars and today I drank both and it was good. So good, I spent a small fortune.
    What I'm saying is maybe you should treat yourself to some little bit of decadence to lift your soul.
    I've bought three pairs of shoes in two days. I think I need to stop leaving the house.

  11. I take comfort in the fact that things fall apart. Nothing good lasts, but nothing bad lasts either.

    I'm reading a book called "Eating Animals," by Jonathan Safran Foer, which is largely a condemnation of factory farming in the United States. He writes a lot about chickens, and as I read about the miserable lives of chickens on factory farms I keep thinking about yours -- eating their grapes, pecking around in the yard, even having names. It is really comforting to think about your chickens leading such good lives when so many others do not.

  12. Entropy gets us all. "Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold." So true. Hope that you are able to get centered again. Sometimes I am there and all is right with me and the world.

  13. catrina- A nap wasn't on my to-do list yesterday either but it sure felt good.
    I hope you got some sun.

    Ms. Vesuvius- If you ever did, August might be a fine time to do it. Not that you ever would.

    Jo- Oh, I am sure I can manage here. Thank you, though.

    Michele- Trimming the bush is ridiculous to my mind but that's just me.
    I will share my chickens with you, okay?

    Beth Coyote- I would probably fall down and sleep. You are such a good woman. I love you too.

    heartinhand- I bought a new pair of men's cargo shorts at the Costco today. Does that count?

    Steve Reed- And I am guilty of eating factory-raised chickens and lately not only does it make me feel guilty but they taste like crap to me. I'm going to do better. And chickens do deserve better. They are such interesting animals with personalities all their own.

    Syd- Exactly. We get all katty-wompass sometimes. But eventually, we find our way back.


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