Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Not Quite Myself Today
I feel some crazy today and I do know why. It is not one of those out-of-the-blue crazies that come upon us sometimes unaware, leaving us breathless, anxious, scared, confused.
Although yes, I do feel all of those. I thought I was prepared for the reason I feel crazy but turns out, not entirely.
I can't really talk about it and it'll pass and all will be well but today and tomorrow I am not going to be quite right and I know it and that's all there is to it. Now my job is to try and deal with things as best I can and know why I am feeling the way I do and to try and act, not react, try to keep the crazy fenced in to where it is manageable, not hurtful to me or any other living creature.
I have been slightly horrified lately with the reactions to terrible things happening to people who perhaps deserve them (but who am I to say?) that I've read on Facebook. Citing karma and god's divine intervention to punish the guilty, people seem to thrill at the idea of justifiable suffering and I'm not sure why I don't. If I were Buddhist, which I am not, I would point out that no suffering is a good thing for the universe, deserved or not. If I do truly believe this, I have to believe it on a personal and immediate level as well as on a more universal one.
But I struggle.
Like Isabel Dahousie, Alexander McCall Smith's philosopher character, I struggle with that which is moral or immoral on a more removed and therefore more theoretical level and that which affects me and those directly around me. This simply means I am human and I am not beating myself up about it all, but trying to do right, trying to be right, trying to accept the very humanity of those around me, even as I try to accept it within myself.
Well, I am not a fictional character (although aren't so many fictional characters as real and engaging to us as many of the "real" people we know and don't I, in some ways, create myself as a fiction here daily, no matter how much I protest that I do not simply due to the fact that it is only my perspective of myself which is presented?) and so there is not black nor white, there is no line to be drawn which, if I cross it, will result in either "good" or "bad" and quite certainly, there will be no tidy outcome which signifies the end to a story, an incident, a book, but only what is.
God. This is incredibly dense and ridiculously cryptic and I apologize but as always, I am writing it out, that which happens internally and that which happens externally, and trying to be fair and trying to be...well...sane.
It is warm and muggy today. I took a walk and saw Beauty Berries and spiders. I was waved at many times by folks in cars and trucks as they passed me, other human beings going from one place to another, acknowledging me and I acknowledged them with my returning wave, and that's enough for now. It truly is. The boys are coming this afternoon and I am so grateful and am looking forward to Owen telling me, "Don't look! Don't listen!" as he presses play on the Rolling Stones in order to surprise me and Brown Sugar will begin again and there will be merriment, there will be joy. There will be a sort of peace in the chaos of the chords as my grandsons dance and run, laugh and demand that I pay them all of my attention which I will be so very happy to do.