Why the hell is it easier to drive a car from here to Chicago than it is to operate a damn remote?
Okay. Yes. I am swearing today. I'm just full of swears. And cusses, too. Which makes me think of this:
which has almost all of my favorite actors in it, albeit (am I using that word too much?) in voice only.
So anyway, this morning I decided to use my super-dooper iPhone to download audio books from my local library- awesome! right? and I went through about fifty steps to get to the point where I could start "browsing" and used my tiny Barbie fingers to get the proper app and then type in passwords and library card numbers and had to sign up for an Adobe account- why?- and then when I DID get to start browsing, they didn't have any damn books I wanted to listen to and none of them were available anyway.
What the cuss?
Jesus, y'all. Figure this shit OUT.
But the thing that really makes me shoot flames out of my head and butt (at the same time) is the remote at Lily and Jason's house. They have this big-ass TV and I can't figure out anything on it. Nothing. They have all this fancy stuff that I don't even know the name of but that's where the good stuff is- the stuff Owen likes to watch like movies on demand, yeah, I guess that's what they call it, and I can't figure it out and he's all, "Panda, Panda!" and I'm all, "I know you want to watch the Panda movie but I can't do it, Owen!" and he's trying to grab the remote from me because he can probably do it but I can't and I just want to cry and I try Page Up and I try Page Down and I try everything and nothing works and so we go outside and he slides a ball down the slide over and over again and tells me to go and get it, which I do until I've had enough of that and boy, do I wish I could get that Panda movie to work.
I'm not stupid. I swear to you, I am not. I can do things on the computer. I can download and I can upload. (I say that but I'm not really sure what the difference is and please- don't try to explain it. Does it matter?) I can embed videos. See above for proof. I am not completely inept at all things technological. I can operate a blender, a food processor and my new washer and dryer. I can program my coffee maker. I CAN DRIVE A PRIUS! Driving a Prius is easy to tell you the truth. Put in the key thingee. Push Power, put it in gear. Go. Done. I could quite literally drive to Chicago. But I sure as hell can't find the fucking Panda movie on Owen's TV for the poor little child.
Okay. I think I will, in fact, get in the Prius and drive, not to Chicago, but to Tallahassee where I will visit the library and get some audio books on CD because obviously I ain't gettin' 'em via the iPhone. I could even pick up a few DVD's for Owen who is coming over later and we could sit on the couch together and watch them but I have no real idea how to operate the DVD player because it involves THE REMOTE in ways in which I am not comfortable and so forget it. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me feel to have to tell my 2.5-year old grandson that no, Mer does not know how to do it?
Mer can make dough and Mer can tell the Mr. Peep story and Mer can find Dinosaur Train on the regular TV at HER house but Mer can't find the Panda movie at Owen's house and Mer feels like a big, fat idiot and thank-you, Techfuckingnology for making my world a better place.
Sometimes.
Like now, when I'm writing these words and sending them out to the world which I am quite sure is waiting with bated breath to receive them on their technological devices of which there are an endless supply, some of which I know how to operate and some of which I do not.
All right. I'm done.
Happy Groundhog Day. We should all curl up on our couches with a nice down comforter over us and watch this wonderful movie. Which has Bill Murray in it. Of course.
Love...Ms. Moon
Oy I've been meaning to write a post on this very thing. Somehow I never imagined that at 43 years of age I would be asking my godsons to help me turn on the goddamn TV. And then they have the programs in a way I have to use a wii remote and that thing is FUCKED UP and no, I don't speak this way in front of them usually but I want to.
ReplyDeleteI resist any technology that complicates rather than simplifies my life. I refuse any technology that takes me more than 5 minutes to intuitively figure out. I will read instructions on how to assemble furniture from Ikea but I will NOT read instructions on how to use a phone. Hell no. Dial. Talk. That's all.
It's no that I'm a Luddite ... I'm just old. I remember life with a little old black and white TV and the only remote control was my little brother.
Dayum.
And I don't even like TV!
Damn it all to hell, you are not the only one. I know the remotes of which you speak. Why are there so many fucking buttons? WHY? Why are there so many cussing channels (and most of them don't work)? My dad has all these remotes and you need to push buttons in a proper sequence on each just to get the TV on. Then you have to find the remote that changes the channels and a different remote for the volume. But I must be stupid because they ALL have volume buttons and channel up and down buttons. WTF? There is yet another remote if you want to watch a movie and you have to go through some process with the remotes again to get that to work. And god forbid you hit one wrong button because then you have to call the cable company to come out and reset the entire system. It is enough to make me go into a fucking rage and have hate fill my soul for everything.
ReplyDeleteThe other night I was crying because I couldn't get a certain book downloaded onto my reader. Crying! I was so mad! I ended up ordering the hard copy from Amazon.
Technology should not cause burning and hateful rage or make someone cry.
If I can't figure this shit out at 40 what the hell am I going to be like when I am 60 or 80? I am so screwed, that's what!
I remember TV when I had to go OUTSIDE to turn the antenna. We had 3 channels.
Well, I'm 65. My TV only works to show videos and dvds. And tonight we are going to watch "Groundhog Day." As long as I remember to put on my glasses so I can figure out which of the buttons are pause, and which are rewind and which one sents me back to the empty screen.
ReplyDeleteWhen we got a new-fangled big screen TV in the "Man Room", with the PS3 I could turn the TV on just fine. After that....zilch as what to do. Son so kindly printed me up directions with photos as how to do DVD's. It was great and really helped. Bless that son of mine!
ReplyDeleteNOLA- The fact of the matter is, it is NOT us who are idiots. It is the makers and designers of these remotes. And, to be honest, technology jumps so fast that no one can really keep up with it in a simple fashion. I get that. I hear that Apple is designing a TV that responds to voice command. I will fucking buy one.
ReplyDeleteBirdie- I remember that same thing. TV was so simple then. There were DIALS! And the shows were better too- Lucy and the The Twilight Zone and even the damn Flintstones. Okay. I'll shut up.
Kristin- Yes. Glasses. Enjoy!
Ellen- Maybe one of my kids would do that for me.
Honest to God, my husband can't work the tvs in our house. When I went on holiday with my daughter, he couldn't watch the entire time. He just doesn't get it at all. I've explained it a million times but he doesn't pay attention. He's pretty impressed though, if it comes on the way he wants = thinks he's done something fabulous.
ReplyDeletethat's why it's always handy to have a 12 year old around. seriously.
ReplyDeletexo
Yea, Radish King. If remote things happen at this house, a grandkid did it. And when they're not here, I get along fine with the few buttons I understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm dittoing Radish King -- it's great to have a ten year old and a thirteen year old around.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the memories with "Groundhog Day" -- what a movie, and I sure needed the laugh!
OMG -- the word verification was MENSA!
ReplyDeleteThat's the best one I've ever, ever gotten.
MS Moon, I move to Japan 9 month ago you think you have problem my remote in Japanese!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteMom I just litteraly cried laughing at the thought of you and Owen trying to get panda on. I think I felt terrible and hilarious at the same time. Mostly I am just tired so anything sets me off. I love you and promise to write up some instructions for you.
ReplyDeleteLily
We have three remotes--one for Direct TV, one for the TV itself, and one for the DVD. And I am glad to know how to work them all. But sometimes I am puzzled when I go to other people's homes and they haven't a clue how to get something to work. I am a fan of reading manuals. I know--pretty damn boring but they do help. Maybe an instruction cheat sheet could be affixed to the TV for the next time Owen is screaming for Panda.
ReplyDeleteOK, where did my comment go. I told you that I was glad to be back... Jetlag is not a good state to comment obviously. I hear ya sista, life used to be a lot easier without us having to be tech savvy
ReplyDelete