TechFuckingNology

Why the hell is it easier to drive a car from here to Chicago than it is to operate a damn remote?
Okay. Yes. I am swearing today. I'm just full of swears. And cusses, too. Which makes me think of this:




which has almost all of my favorite actors in it, albeit (am I using that word too much?) in voice only.

So anyway, this morning I decided to use my super-dooper iPhone to download audio books from my local library- awesome! right? and I went through about fifty steps to get to the point where I could start "browsing" and used my tiny Barbie fingers to get the proper app and then type in passwords and library card numbers and had to sign up for an Adobe account- why?- and then when I DID get to start browsing, they didn't have any damn books I wanted to listen to and none of them were available anyway.
What the cuss?

Jesus, y'all. Figure this shit OUT.

But the thing that really makes me shoot flames out of my head and butt (at the same time) is the remote at Lily and Jason's house. They have this big-ass TV and I can't figure out anything on it. Nothing. They have all this fancy stuff that I don't even know the name of but that's where the good stuff is- the stuff Owen likes to watch like movies on demand, yeah, I guess that's what they call it, and I can't figure it out and he's all, "Panda, Panda!" and I'm all, "I know you want to watch the Panda movie but I can't do it, Owen!" and he's trying to grab the remote from me because he can probably do it but I can't and I just want to cry and I try Page Up and I try Page Down and I try everything and nothing works and so we go outside and he slides a ball down the slide over and over again and tells me to go and get it, which I do until I've had enough of that and boy, do I wish I could get that Panda movie to work.

I'm not stupid. I swear to you, I am not. I can do things on the computer. I can download and I can upload. (I say that but I'm not really sure what the difference is and please- don't try to explain it. Does it matter?) I can embed videos. See above for proof. I am not completely inept at all things technological. I can operate a blender, a food processor and my new washer and dryer. I can program my coffee maker. I CAN DRIVE A PRIUS! Driving a Prius is easy to tell you the truth. Put in the key thingee. Push Power, put it in gear. Go. Done. I could quite literally drive to Chicago. But I sure as hell can't find the fucking Panda movie on Owen's TV for the poor little child.

Okay. I think I will, in fact, get in the Prius and drive, not to Chicago, but to Tallahassee where I will visit the library and get some audio books on CD because obviously I ain't gettin' 'em via the iPhone. I could even pick up a few DVD's for Owen who is coming over later and we could sit on the couch together and watch them but I have no real idea how to operate the DVD player because it involves THE REMOTE in ways in which I am not comfortable and so forget it. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me feel to have to tell my 2.5-year old grandson that no, Mer does not know how to do it?

Mer can make dough and Mer can tell the Mr. Peep story and Mer can find Dinosaur Train on the regular TV at HER house but Mer can't find the Panda movie at Owen's house and Mer feels like a big, fat idiot and thank-you, Techfuckingnology for making my world a better place.
Sometimes.
Like now, when I'm writing these words and sending them out to the world which I am quite sure is waiting with bated breath to receive them on their technological devices of which there are an endless supply, some of which I know how to operate and some of which I do not.

All right. I'm done.

Happy Groundhog Day. We should all curl up on our couches with a nice down comforter over us and watch this wonderful movie. Which has Bill Murray in it. Of course.




Love...Ms. Moon

This Is What Happens When All Your Children Grow Up And Move Away

Good Lord. I need a child to help me.

I can't take a decent picture and I can't get the Magical Spinning Angel Chimes to work. They will not spin! I followed the directions!



This is ridiculous.

How the hell I am supposed to get into the holiday spirit if I can't even make the fucking Magical Spinning Angel Chimes go around and chime?

Wait. Ten minutes ago my children didn't know how to hold their heads up or poop on the potty or count to five. And I knew EVERYTHING. And I taught them everything.
Everything they know.

And now, suddenly, I have to call one of them to ask how to take a picture with the flash off.

Don't even get me started on how many times Miss HoneyLuna has had to instruct me, by phone, on how to get the TV to stop doing that thing it's doing.

I can see right now that assisted living is in my future.

Thank god I can still cook and make a martini.

When my grandmother got the senile dementia, the first thing she forgot how to do was cook.

The first thing I'm going to forget how to do when I get the serious dementia is how to scrub the toilet.

Meanwhile, the Magical Spinning Angel Chimes look pretty sweet, even if they won't spin.





And Evil Santa is all plugged in and ready to scare the youngsters.



It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

At the Moon's, anyway.