Tuesday, August 17, 2021

I Am Such A Wimp

It's been one hell of a day. 

The storm passed in the night and this morning was as clear and blue-skied as anyone could want and I got up and went to town to get my blood drawn for my appointment on Thursday. I do not mind getting my blood drawn. Doesn't bother me in the least. The only thing that bothers me is that it is in preparation for my appointment and my blood, my most secret vital fluid, is being forced to give up its (my) secrets to the world and that is horrifying to me. 

I could go on. 
I won't. 

After that I went to Hardees where I got a bacon/egg/cheese biscuit as a reward and yes, it was delicious. Then I met up with Jessie and Levon at Costco and I can't tell you how precious it was to go into the coldy room with Levon. How long has it been since I've been to Costco with my children, my grandchildren? 
I don't care what anyone says, that is a small joy of life. Or mine, at least. 

While all of this was going on, the electrician was here at the house, hooking up the generator to electricity and I got a text from Mr. Moon saying that it was quite possible that we'd have to get a room for tonight because it might not be done and we couldn't get our power turned on until it was, and when I added that to the anxiety that was already causing me to dissociate in Costco I thought I might melt into a puddle of deep unconsciousness and you think I'm kidding but I am not. 

I went to Publix because...why go home? And then I stopped at the Bad Girls Who Get Saved By Jesus thrift store and I gave them the things in my trunk that I've been carrying around to donate and then I bought a sure-fire, absolutely real old-fashioned aluminum and nylon folding chair, the kind that our mothers sat in at the beach when we were little and which I have been wanting because they weigh approximately an ounce. It's not the totally cool kind with the webbing in shades of green or blue and white but instead, it's all blue. I don't care. And that came close to making me happy but under the circumstances it didn't. 

And then I drove home and the electrician who appeared to be about fourteen was working and hustling like a roadie at a Stones concert and busting his ass. The house was a tiny bit cooler due to the fact that Mr. Moon had kept the doors and windows closed all day to keep in whatever remnants of last night's air conditioning he could and after I changed clothes and put the groceries away, I laid down on the bed with Maurice and a New Yorker and read and then fell asleep and dreamed that the power was back on and woke up and it wasn't. 
Nor was I living in a house taking care of my little brothers which was also really sad. I miss them. 
So much. 

I will make this long story a baby fingernail's worth of shorter by telling you that about six-thirty we got our power turned back on after the electrician, the inspector from Jefferson County, AND the guy from Duke Energy all worked together to figure out some glitch in what was happening with our breaker box. I am reminded once again how very, very dependent we are (I am) on electricity. I am not hardy, I am not brave, I am not tough, I am not adaptable or rugged, stout, or strong. 
Okay. I am stout but not in that sense of the word. 

I am, at heart, a little girl who for whatever reason, is terrified of the doctor and who wants nothing more than for her life to go on as it does, in comfort and in routine.

Love...Ms. Moon

33 comments:

  1. I am torn between wanting nothing to change, and wanting everything to change. I waffle back and forth between these two extremes.

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    1. Oh god. Me too. I frequently think we should just move to the beach. But I know I won't.

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  2. The apocalypse is going to be a challenge for one such as thee, comfort and routine- probably not a thing in our Mad Max world. No worries, there are little blue pills available , they will make the ride smoother, pretty sure.

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    1. If there is no air conditioning, I have a feeling that little blue pills will perhaps not be available.
      This is depressing.

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  3. we lost our power for about 30 hours earlier this week because of a bad windstorm or a baby tornado....it was fine until we got the power back, and the house was finally cool again after 100 degree days and then our main line for the sewer backed up and started flooding the basement..... AUUUUGGGGGHHHHH we got an emergency plumber within 4 hours. best $200 i ever spent. i can deal with no power, no heat and no electricity but the thought of having to shit in a bucket again just about KILLED ME. i get it.

    xxalainaxx

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    1. Water is truly, truly the main thing. Indoor plumbing is absolutely the best thing about civilization.

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  4. Oh, honey ... so many of us can identify with your lament! We have to tell ourselves that it will get better! You will be OK, too!

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  5. Is it too much to ask what you fear the doctor will tell you? If it is too much disregard this.

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    1. Basically that I'm about to die. Which I realize that everyone has this fear to one degree or another.

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    2. Tell your doctor that if you are about to die please don't tell you.

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  6. well, the breakfast biscuit along with the vintage chair made your day....along with the power coming back ON. I know you are on edge (understatement) until your Doc appointment......... I am *with* you......and send calming breaths to you. My appt. is next month and I'm already freaking out
    Much love
    Susan M

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    1. You know- it really does help to know that there are others who can understand this illogical fear. I wish that no one did. I truly do. But thank you for understanding.

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  7. That little girl who is terrified of the doctor needs someone to rock her and rub her back. Someone suggested that to me, to be kind to the little girl inside, to hold her and love her, and it's helped. I often forget to do this but I'm working on it.

    Sending hugs and love.

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    1. I've read this comment twice now and both times it has brought tears to my eyes. I know. You're right. We are scared little girls inside who need kindness. Thank you for reminding me.

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  8. What Pixie said...we won't discuss how long it has been for me. Hugs.

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    1. Oh, e! We all need tenderness.

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    2. I meant how long it has been since I went to the doctor or dentist, and yes I agree. Your inner kid that is scared of the doctor needs some TLC. Sending a hug!

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    3. Oh! Thank you! I appreciate that very much.

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  9. I don't have your fears, but in that place I now have anger that I am an old woman who needs a wheel chair, and that only because the medical building will not employ one more person at the secondary entrance to monitor traffic. I can walk to my doctor's office from that entrance. Life is not fair to reasonable people and that makes me unhappy. Best of luck to you tomorrow, and I'd treat myself to another breakfast.

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    1. Joanne- that sucks. You should be able to walk to your doctor's office. You DO walk everywhere. You work that market booth! You amaze me. They need to install a traffic monitor for people like you. It will be lunch time after my appointment. I hope I feel like eating.

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  10. My greatest fear (other than snakes) are dentists. I had a wonderful dentist for 25 years. He was wonderful because he prescribed me Ativan. I needed one to call and make the appointment, one before leaving for the office, when when I got there, and one when I got home. Needless to say, a simple cleaning meant I had to have someone take me. I shook so bad in the chair that they’d put me in and leave me for five minutes before coming in to do anything. I must say that he never hurt me in the least. But my anxiety was so severe that I would envision dying in the chair and my oxygen level would drop! We moved to Florida, and I need to find another dentist. It’s been almost two years, and the typing of this comment has my heart palpitating. I can’t imagine actually making an appointment.

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    1. I understand! With all of my heart! For me it's not dentists but I don't like to call and make those appointments or go to them either. But yes- making the appointment to see my doctor is as frightening as going. Or almost. I hope with all of my heart I hope that you can find a dentist who understands and will prescribe those three necessary Ativan. That is not too much to ask at all.

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  11. I hear that anxiety around the whole issue of doctors. History based. And dealing with heat and generator setbacks wouldn't help at the best of times, which this isn't.


    One hand on your belly, one over your heart, breathe, tell your body she's lovely, she's doing her best, and thank you to her. A nurse taught me this to help healing after major scary surgery. It's helpful. I do it now for bouts of anxiety

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    1. Thank you, dear woman. I will try that. I will, I really will.

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  12. Take care today. Be gentle with yourself.

    Despite what you think at the moment, you have been brave, tough, adaptable, rugged and strong (skipping stout). Think of all you have survived in your life. You are all those things and MORE. It is that just right now--for these few days--you don't want to NEED to be any of those things. It's okay to put down the shield now and then. xo

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  13. it's really frightening when you think about it how close we are to complete helplessness. if the power goes out and never comes back on, if the grocery stores close and never reopen, if the civilization that props us up fails, we will all die of starvation wearing rags. the average person no longer knows how to survive. even if we have land to grow food on, where would we get the seeds if we weren't already growing food and saving seeds which most don't anyway. just trot down to the store to get some. I recently read that before this modern age, before the industrial revolution, people spent most of their time on food...acquiring, planting, growing, putting up, raising, butchering. I forget the actual percentage but something like at least 70%.

    my dad was a doctor, a pathologist, so doctor visits don't phase me. but I didn't go to them unless absolutely necessary because we had no health insurance and who can afford doctors if you are self pay? my grandgirl had a lumpy thing cut off her leg and it was $200, now they want to cut out more and it will be another $200.

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    1. Oh, I totally believe that people spent at LEAST 70% of their time dealing with getting enough calories to live. Hell, I probably deal with food on one level or another 30% of the time.
      I don't like hearing that about your granddaughter. What was the lumpy thing? And yes, American medicine is cost prohibitive for so many people.

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    2. it was just one of those basal skin cells that go crazy that are basically harmless but they want to go back and make sure they got all the crazy cells out.

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  14. Good luck with your doctor's appointment tomorrow. Hope you get lots of good news and feel great relief from your worries. Peace, dear Ms. Moon!

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  15. Well, thank goodness they got your power back on. In the midst of medical anxiety you don't need that additional burden! Those aluminum and nylon chairs WERE great, weren't they? Except that the webbing does deteriorate over time.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.