Wednesday, August 4, 2021

A Day To Feel Fortunate

Well, today has been a different sort of way. Part of it was quite stressful but things resolved and then it became lovely. 

Lis and I had planned to get together today for a little more shopping in Monticello but we both had things to do this morning so we were going about our separate chores when I got a text from Hank that he was having an episode of irregular heartbeat again and that Rachel was taking him to the ER after he'd waited for half an hour to see if it settled itself back to a normal rhythm. My blood pressure probably soared as I remembered the last time this happened and he was in the hospital for days and of course the worry for my boy overtook me but I tried to stay calm. With the things the way there are right now in Florida, the hospitals being full of covid patients, they wouldn't even let Rachel stay with Hank so I knew there was nothing I could really do except wait for word.
And the words were good. His heart went back to its regular beating but they kept him and ran many tests just to make sure all was well and a little while ago he let us know that he is home and everything looks good. 


We are all so glad and grateful. I am sure that both he and Rachel are exhausted- a long day of worry and concern. Hopefully they will sleep well tonight. 

When I knew that things were going okay with Hank, I met up with Lis in Monticello. There were a few others stores we both wanted to look around in and we also both wanted more of that yarn. Lis has actual plans for hers. She will make Christmas presents. 
Me? Well...uh...not so much. I just had to have more. I do not generally hoard things but there are a few things that I cannot resist if I find an incredible deal on them and these yarns are exactly that. While we were rummaging through the bin Lis had discovered earlier in the week, a woman told us that there were two more bins in the notions section with more beautiful yarn. 
Ooh boy. We trotted right over there. 
And she was right. 
We found some skeins of stuff so soft that it felt like a baby's tresses. 

Lis plans to use the skein she bought for lacy edges on projects. I bought two skeins and again, I have no idea what I'll do with them. I remember after my friend Sue died and in my grief period I took up the smallest crochet hook and cotton thread and crocheted little lacy bags that had no function whatsoever. Was I trying to contain her spirit or was I merely keeping my hands busy and my focus on a sort of reality? I do not know. 
Of all the bags I made, I only have one left. I have no idea what I did with the rest of them. 

It hangs over my tub in the bathroom window. The Baby Silkpacca is much thinner and of course finer than the cotton strong was and I'm not sure at all if my needle skills extend to working with such a material. Perhaps something will occur to me that I am capable of. I hope so. 

And that was all we bought today although we did look at another store but there was a very annoying man in there and it was also hot AND the prices were ridiculous. We ended up going back to the Rev for some iced tea and a snack and then we sat in Lis's car for a good long while, continuing our chat. 
It's as if this past week and a few days has only opened our hearts more to each other. When it was really and truly time for me to get in my own car and come on home, I teared up and Lis said, "Are you going to cry?"
"What do you think?" I said. "It would only be surprising if I didn't."
And this is true. Lis knows how easily I am moved to tears, quite literally, just as she knows so much about me and yet, somehow still loves me. 
Isn't this the most wonderful thing on earth? When someone does know you and your faults and your issues and your weirdnesses and your shortcomings and still loves you- well. There is no feeling that can match that whether we are talking about the love of a partner and lover or of a friend. Or a child, for that matter. 
I hear that having that sort of love from a parent is also a beautiful thing but because I didn't have a father and because I never felt that from my mother, I would not know. My mother may have loved me like that but I never thought she did. This may have been my- what? Fault? Mistranslation? Misunderstanding? 
I don't know. Probably neither of us was somehow set up to allow that sweet unconditional love to flow between us. And I think that when that primal need is not satisfied when we are children, we do seek it our entire lives. Either that or we become people who refuse to care what others may think of us or else we hide our true selves from those we wish would love us in the belief that if they did truly know us, they would shun us. 

This is all to say that I am going to miss my friend so much when she leaves. And that will be on Friday. 
I feel so lucky that we've had this time together. It has been a sort of comfortable bliss. 

We hope to get together tomorrow if for nothing more than coffee. I still have plenty of half-and-half. Gibson will be coming over at some point to spend the night. It is his turn to hang out with his Mer and Bop. "I just want to spend time with you," he told me the other day. I am looking forward to that. I will make him meatballs and spaghetti and he will get his purple cow and I am sure there will be much to discuss with our darling Gibson, the huggiest and smiling-est grandchild of all. 

Here's a picture that I took in Monticello of the side yard of house. 

For some reason they had put a red solo cup of zinnias in front of a bed of zinnias and I can only say that there can never be too many zinnias. We spied this right after a guy in a truck heading from west to east stopped to block the traffic so that Lis and I could cross the road on foot, traveling the same way. 
As I said then, "Only in Monticello."

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I never felt that kind of love from my parents either, especially my dad. And you're right, if you don't get it, you spend the rest of your life looking for it, thinking you're unacceptable. It's something I struggle with always with the big guy. He tells me he loves me, as I am, but how could he? I am so deeply flawed. But he tells me over and over again which I need. He is as screwed up as me thank goodness, he just doesn't cry like I do. We fit pretty good.

    Does Hank have atrial fib? I'm glad his heart went back into a normal rhythm, it would be good to have answers though. He's a big guy which can also affect his heart.

    I've never grown zinnias, maybe next year:)

    1. Oh, dear woman. I feel the same way in my relationships- how CAN they love me? I have to say that my husband is not screwed up. When I met his family the first time I realized why he was so happy all the time. They were just the best and most loving people.
      Hank does have atrial fib. He's been in the hospital for it before and is on meds.

  2. Those folks know how to have zinnias! Arm in arm. Shoulder to shoulder. As many as the soil can hold!

  3. So glad Hank is ok. To have a friend like Lis is a great gift. I'm sure Gibson is looking forward to his solo time. Such a sweetness about him.

  4. Hope that Hank's loving heart stays steady. Time with Lis has been a blessing for you. A friend of the heart and mind. And time with Gibson gives you the opportunity to share unconditional love with you have with all your children and other grandchildren. It is always good to remind yourself that you were never so broken that you couldn't give unconditional love to them. That, my dear, is true strength. A priceless gift.

    1. It has always seemed so easy for me to love my children unconditionally that I have never been able to figure out why it seemed so hard for my mother and me.
      Who knows? I doubt I ever will.

  5. afib is the most common health ailment in the world but is not fatal in and of itself. it can cause stroke because when the heart beats irregularly not all the blood in the chamber gets pushed out and so it pools and can for clots. if he just has an episode now and then it's really no big deal though it is scary when it's happening so I hope this eases your mind a little. I'd have episodes that lasted 2 to 4 hours, occasionally longer. then I started having them every day. so now I'm on medication that keeps it mostly under control and an anticoagulant to prevent clots from forming. of course it's the most expensive one out there but according to the doc, the one he prefers.

    and I've mentioned before that I had a similar non-relationship with my own mother/parents. and your musings about how we turn out without a loving relationship is pretty spot on. maybe that's why I was so promiscuous when I was single. I've never been one to hide my true self but I've also never much cared what other people thought of me.

    1. And Ellen, didn't you have a procedure for your afib?
      Hank had an episode awhile back that lasted for a very long time. He had to stay at the hospital and they were even talking about shocking his heart to get it back to normal rhythm but it did resolve itself. So he's on meds and it's been totally under control but after a half hour of it yesterday he was understandably concerned enough to go get himself check out.
      I hear you on the promiscuity thing- throw in some childhood sexual abuse and the girl can be a bit wild. I know I was.

    2. I had two different heart rhythm malfunctions...flutter, which is rapid heartbeat and occurs in the right atria and afib, which is irregular heartbeat (can also include rapid) and occurs in the left atria. I had an ablation for the flutter which got rid of that but still have the afib. I'm on sotalol and eliquis. as I said, the sotalol keeps it mostly under control but I still have occasional episodes but they aren't long lasting or severe. I could get an ablation for the afib and sometimes I consider it. I go to a heart rhythm specialist, an electrophysiologist, as opposed to a run of the mill cardiologist.

  6. My son had an episode of afib about a month ago. He has an Apple watch that will tell him when he is in afib which is pretty amazing. The watch said something like, "You are in afib. If you did not expect this result, please call your doctor." He was checked out and was fine. He ran in a 5K race a week after that!
    Hope Hank feels okay.
    Glad you have enjoyed your time with Lis.

    1. Hank is feeling fine now. I know it's common but when Hank had it before it was pretty darn severe.
      Glad your son's Apple watch gave him the information and that it resolved.

    2. it surprises me that people can be in afib and not know it. I can always tell.

  7. So glad to hear Hank's episode didn't last long. Still probably felt more than long to him, yes.

    About unconditional love: I never felt that as a child. None of the girls was valued for herself. All the boys were. I was valued for achievement and abilities. A poor substitute, really. But I've tried to not only give but show it to my son and my friends and honorary granddaughter, who didn't get it from her family. That's actually a pretty good sub.

    1. I often think that in parenting my children, I have re-parented myself. It's definitely impetus to be the best mother I could be even though I know I was so very far from perfect.

  8. I wonder if the zinnias were meant to be taken by passers-by? Maybe they were giving away cut flowers. I'd probably have interpreted it that way, being famous for picking things up off people's garden walls. :)

    I'm SO glad Hank's arrhythmia subsided. That has to be scary. Are the doctors looking at ways to prevent this problem in the future? Should be be on medication? I'm sure you've all already dealt with these questions but I'm just curious.

    Your musings on friendship are thought-provoking. I've had several close friends for many years -- not to mention Dave -- but I'm not sure anyone knows all my faults and weirdnesses. When you grow up gay you learn to hide things. Then again, maybe I'm not giving my friends and spouse enough credit -- they probably know me better than even I am willing to admit!

    1. I never thought of that, Steve! But I bet you're right!
      Hank is on meds for afib. So it's generally well under control. Things have been a bit stressful lately and we all know how that can affect us.
      I imagine that all of us hide certain things the best we can, even from those we love and who love us the most. And isn't that rather sad?

  9. I'm so glad Hank was ok! Anything to do with our kids and the worry-o-meter goes through the roof doesn't it!


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