Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Gimme Shelter

What a completely odd day.
For about eight months I have woken up every morning knowing that I should go get my blood drawn for the regular bloodwork that my doctor wanted me to get back when I first started seeing him. Just the regular work-up, you know. And I've been to see him twice since then and still hadn't done it and I have another appointment with him next Friday and I suppose my brain just finally kicked in and made me do it because this morning I woke up from a dream where I had gotten the blood drawn and felt so relieved that I got up, got dressed, let the chickens out, and drove to town.
Where I got my blood drawn.
Jesus Christ.
Now he's going to know all of my secrets, my blood secrets, and he's going to want me to go on other drugs for high cholesterol and shit like that. I just know it.
And I can't stand that thought. Mostly the secrets part. Not that I have like a hidden addiction to heroin or anything but somehow, the idea of anyone being able to access the information given up so treacherously by my very own blood makes me want to die.
This is probably related somehow to my history of sexual abuse- if there is any one thing which I can keep private and away from anyone who could harm me, it is the very essence of my physical being which is that red, salty soup of my veins.
Honestly, I would rather get five pap and pelvics than one blood test.
This makes no sense but then again, there is nothing which makes sense about the fall-out from childhood abuse if viewed from the lens of the "normal."
BUT, fuck it, I did it. I went and got vials and vials taken from my arm and even had extra blood drawn for hormone levels which I was also supposed to get done months and months ago.
And then I went and got a stupid, horrible, junky egg and cheese and bacon biscuit from the Burger King and went to Lily's and we all went to Costco. We went earlier than usual which sucked because there were NO SAMPLES!
Gibson couldn't even believe it. It is not a part of his reality for there to be no samples at Costco.
He kept insisting that there had to be samples, there simply had to be. 
There were none, not even a sample of yogurt or a protein drink or anything at all.
So we got them pizza.

And Gibson was happy. 

I came home and slept. Between the anxiety hangover and the draining of my bloodstream I just didn't have any energy. And then I got up and picked some beans from the garden and that's been it. 

I keep thinking about how, the day after the election, I said to my husband, "Well, that's the end of the world as we know it," and I meant it and I also kept saying, "We are fucked, we are so fucked," and I meant that too and every day that passes proves that I was as right as I could be and here we are, every day a new blow to the gut by this absolutely insane mad man and today it's his proclamation-by-Tweet that all transgendered people will be kicked out of the military. 
Look- I want to live in a world where there is NO military. I want those swords beaten into plowshares yesterfuckingday but that hasn't happened and by god, there are plenty of people for whom military service is their only chance at a better life and to summarily announce to thousands of people that their service is no longer acceptable in any capacity is...well, I don't have the words for what I think it is. 

Here's what Matt Bellasai said.

And he is fucking right. 

I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to beat on something until my knuckles are bloody. I want to cradle all of my transgendered loves in my arms and say, "It's going to be all right."
But you know what? I don't even know if I believe that. 

It's Mick Jagger's birthday. He is 74. 

Here he was five years ago with Lady Gaga. 

We could all use some fucking shelter.

Weird day. Weird year. Weird world.

Dance if you can. Cry if you can't.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. It's revolting, but I think the Twitter people might be right when they suggest it's just a distraction exercise to stop people phoning about the healthcare bill and begged them to keep phoning.

    He's such a fuckweasel either way.

  2. It doesn't matter. He's simply insane and cruel and evil. There is no explanation and there is no way to ignore the fact that a great many of my country men (and women) voted for him.
    I am as low as I can be.

    1. Indeed - I didn't mean that comment to be any attempt at consolation, I don't think there is any.

  3. I've been sick all day. Where does it end?! And how can such a coward - bone spurs? -deny the value of anyone willing to serve their country? There's a family reunion this weekend. Lord help me.

  4. Glad you got your tests done, I avoid mine too and it's best we don't... but I can relate to the procrastination of it. You made me smile with it not being a part of Gibson's Reality for there to be no Samples at the Costco, that was hilarious! You have a way with Words. And Yes, 45 makes me want to heave... and I'm disgusted he still has rabid supporters in spite of this clusterfuck post-election Drama that keeps playing out in the most insane way imaginable!

  5. He's rolling this country back to the dark ages. Proclamation by tweet, what an asshole. Even if it's to distract from healthcare, that he would inflict such inhumanity as a fucking distraction?? He is the lowest of the low. I can't even.

    But Gibson is adorable. And good on you for getting your blood work done. Strangely, I look forward to seeing all the little numbers from the test. Feels almost like getting back school exam results in a good way. I realize now from your post the privilege of being able to feel that way. My body scaffold may be impaired but my blood usually delivers good news. Except for the thyroid but hey, TMI. I love you Mary. I thought of you as soon as I heard the news yesterday. My husband was in the ER. I thought, our world has gone stark staring mad. Fuck the president. Fuck him.

  6. I read something about the why of it. there's been a battle over a budget bill (I think that's what it was) and there was a huge resistance to trans surgery being paid for by the defense budget and they asked Trump to see if he could do something about it and what he did was his tweet. it was so extreme that the people that asked him to do something were shocked. they didn't really intend for that to be the 'something'. I wish I could remember all the details of the article but I fucking can't but that's the gist of it. now he's planning on firing Sessions and god forbid he put Ted Cruz in and he is going to fire Mueller. and the fucking republican congress will do nothing. they are just as bad as Trump letting him get away with all this shit.

    and I just refuse to take medications I don't want to take like for cholesterol or osteoporosis. the meds are worse than the problem in my opinion.


  7. they have no problem paying far more for viagra with the defense budget than they would any trans surgery.

  8. So good to read you and know there is a lady somewhat like me 3000 miles away. Coping and picking beans.

  9. Good for you for getting the blood drawn. Bravo. As for Trump, I'm taking great pleasure in the fact that the Obamacare repeal has fallen on its face and that some Republican senators still have integrity.

  10. "Gimme Shelter" is a song by the Rolling Stones. It first appeared as the opening track on the band's 1969 album Let It Bleed. Although the first word was spelled ...

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