Thursday, February 13, 2014

I am sorry but my ability to write anything worth reading has paled, failed, gone south.
I'm just hanging on and hanging in and that's about all I can do.

I did indeed get a call from my primary care NP and I have to go in tomorrow to discuss the results of my blood work. If I get a call-back from the mammogram people that will come in today or tomorrow. Most likely. I'm just so over this. All of it. There's part of me that says that it's a choice I could make to never go through all of this again. To simply die of something that could have been detected earlier and would that be so bad? Well, yes, because one doesn't usually just keel over unless the undetected condition was cardiac in nature and even then it might not kill you. It's not death that worries me, it's the thought of illness and suffering and being a burden on my family.
Which makes me just about like everyone on the planet I guess.
I am not special.

My opinion of the entire medical profession has sunk to new lows after reading THIS.  It is Elizabeth Aquino's response to THIS.
Sure, do a study. Check out the placebo effect in children whose cognitive abilities have already been destroyed not only by constant and unceasing seizing but by the ineffective drugs that have been prescribed to them by the experts.
I am angry.
I am so angry.
I am angry about this issue and I am angry about all of the women who have been told that their bodies are not capable of giving birth the way nature has evolved it throughout thousands of generations nor are their minds capable of dealing with the pain. That any gestational period which goes past forty weeks is a risk and must be rectified with drugs to induce labor. That shooting developing fetuses with ultra-sound rays has no negative effects. And on and on and on.

Which has nothing or everything to do with my anxiety about tomorrow's appointment and the possibility of a call-back from the mammogram people and the studies on all of that, some of which are already being called flawed and who do you trust and what do you do?

In the case of parents who are giving their children an untested elixir made from cannabis and seeing miraculous results, you call bullshit and give your child what works.

Well, another day to get through and the sky is like cold steel and the wind is whipping that arctic air in and the boys are coming for a full day and I am quite frankly exhausted from the getting-through-of-another-day and never feeling at peace or at rest for one moment except when I lay down in my bed again and sleep the sleep of the dead. Of thinking, after tomorrow, after next week, I can relax. And then not being able to at all.

I am ready and more than ready to ask for an antidepressant tomorrow which will help with anxiety. I wish like hell that cannabis worked for me because I would trust that far more than I trust these drugs that they're not really quite certain about how they work but sometimes they do. But I am desperate.

And so that is me today. Angry and feeling a little desperate (a little?) and I have to gear it down because my grandchildren are coming and I must, must, MUST be good with them and loving and put all else aside. If I have one mission on earth at this time in my life, it is to take care of my grandchildren when they need taking care of and to do it with mindfulness and tenderness and cheer and love. They deserve that.

Here's a picture that Jessie just sent from Asheville, NC where the snowfall is now seven inches.

Now there's a jolly black dog.

Be well, y'all. Let's hang in. Spring will be coming. Peace will be felt. Or so I keep telling myself and that is how I get through it.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I had my first summons back for followup bloodwork with my NP in the fall and it's scary and frustrating.

    I hate that you've got the black dog with you. (Not to be confused with the Greta black dog above!). Text if you want to yell about things.

  2. I visited with a friend yesterday while her Daughter with CP sat with us, seizing off and on all afternoon. Tiny seizures, but seizures nonetheless. The docs had just upped her medication and she was sick with a stomachache. To think that there's a more holistic approach and HUMANE approach out there makes it even more disturbing that she's a pharmaceutical experiment.

    I think the fear of dying is greater than the actual dying, for me. For much the same reasons you give. I don't want to suffer/have my family suffer. Just remember, you live near a train. ;) how macabre am I?!

  3. Ok, I am going to go out on a limb here and bet they say you have borderline thyroid levels or want to give you a statin for cholesterol, whether you need it or not. They seem to think that all women over a certain age do. Did I ever say I hate doctors? I wish you good luck with that appointment. Gail

  4. I don't have much faith in the medical bullshit either, and the more I read, the more I realize that we just don't know anything, nobody does. The wisdom of our own bodies is all we have. But I do have faith in Wellbutrin, which has rescued me from deep depression and despair like a magic trick. And maybe that's the wisdom of your own body, ready to ask for drugs, for help, for something. Either way, we are all here with you.

  5. I want to clarify that Dr. Manning is excluded from my hatred of Drs. The vast majority that I have seen are tired old white men, that seem bored with their profession. Gail

  6. I totally hear what Gail says, but do have them check your thyroid levels anyway because when I became hypothyroid and sank into a fatigue and depression that did not lift until it was diagnosed and I was prescribed synthroid as a hormone replacement. You might need that as well as an anti anxiety med. I have finally found a doctor I really like; I wish I could share her with you!

  7. Ms Moon you are such a brave soul.
    I resist and resist visiting doctors and dentists. Silly I know but I have this....aversion I can't seem to get passed.
    You are a good example for me. Bite the bullet and all that.

  8. Maybe try the week in Cozumel with Mr. Moon...

  9. I am resisting the mammogram too because I believe it does more harm than good. I believe this in my entire heart. You are brave to go forward. 8 inches of snow fell here in NH in 8 seconds. I'm pretending to be a student at the Baker Library at Dartmouth until four. I was going to work on my new poems but I have this fear of touching them too soon so I'm farting around on a filthy keyboard trying to look like a rich sorority girl AHHAHAHAHAHAHA just waiting for someone to either 1. Throw a milk carton at my head like at Holy Names or 2. Come screaming up to me to demand my student ID because yes oh fuck I look poor as fuck and just sent most of my clothes home to myself.

    Rebecca (only slightly freaking out)

  10. I'm scared of mammograms. I've read too many things about them that I don't like the sound of. But then I'm also scared of undetected cancer. Thermograms sound good... but maybe aren't enough. We're damned either way, I suppose.

    That is a beautiful dog in the snow picture.

    Take the meds for a while and have a break. You deserve a break from it.

  11. SJ- Thanks, my love.

    heartinhand- Ah, I could never throw myself under the train. The engineer would feel guilty forever.

    Gail- Yeah. I think at least some of it has to do with lipid levels. Jesus.

    Ms. Vesuvius- Despite having been on antidepressants twice with very few side effects, I still resist. I waver. God. I don't know.

    Gail- Yes. I agree. She listens to her patients. She really does.

    Angella- There's a thought. I'll talk to the NP tomorrow. I surely wish we COULD share a doctor.

    Yobobe- I think of you as one of the bravest women I've ever heard of and so to hear you say that makes me feel infinitely better. Thank you.

    Ain't For City Gals- I'm going to pitch the idea of two weeks this time. I swear. I fucking need them.

    Rebecca- Oh gosh. If I were in your shoes (and I hope they are actually boots) I would be shivering and shaking and not just from the cold. You are so brave. You are, you are.

    Jo- I think I've heard that a combination of those two can detect 98% of cancers. They have to perfect this technology.

  12. There are a million reasons to get call backs on blood and most of them are not fatal or serious. You are like me in history of serious anxiety, and often women with that problem also have anemia, thyroid issues or hormone imbalance, and those have been the most common reasons I have gotten call backs. Anxiety, as I'm sure you know, really does a number on the ecosystem of your body. I do workout and eat beautifully and take vitamins etc. but without Zoloft, I would not be OK. I've tried. And life is too short to spend it trapped in an ill mind. I see how my husband has no choice, how his meds often are useless against the assault on his brain, and I am so grateful that I have a choice- there is something that works for me.


  13. My mom has always told me, for twenty years, long before anyone else thought it, that mammograms did more harm than good to the delicate tissues of our breasts. And that often, small cancers resolve themselves or never grow. I don't think I'll be getting mammograms, unless new info. changes my mind. The research seems to keep showing that early detection does not result in prolonged life.

  14. I had a similar morning as you, Ms. Moon, inside my head, unable to escape the unrelenting anxiety, blooming exponentially to anxiety about anxiety. I forced myself to get up and go to my scheduled therapy appointment, even though I really did not want to. I must say, it helped. It helps to talk to a human being who will not judge you, who will tell you that, my God, no wonder you have anxiety with all that's has gone on, and goes on, in your life. Also, she gave me a list of positive self-talk statements, and suggested an iPhone app that has breathing exercises. She showed me that if you do the breathing exercise along with the app, and you know that it has a beginning and an ending, you will stick through it through the middle part. Between doing the breathing exercise all the way through, and concentrating on positive self-talk, I was able to regain peace. I figure it will start up again before I can open my eyes tomorrow morning, as it has done for weeks now, but I am hopeful these tools will get me through tomorrow like they got me through today. Maybe they will help you, too.

    Elizabeth O.

  15. Maggie May- Thanks, honey. I know and I sure am considering it. I sure am. Life is too short to live in such paralyzing fear.

    E.- That all sounds so good and I am proud of you for working on all of it in such good, productive ways because it would be so easy just to stay in bed and stare at the ceiling in terror. I know. Thanks.

  16. Lordy lordy lordy. It's been quite a day. My heart has been beating a mile a minute, mainly because I brought it on myself by getting so freaking involved in that opinion piece. I mean -- really? Sophie isn't having seizures, so why the hell do I care what a bunch of neurologists have to say?

    I'm crossing my fingers that all goes well tomorrow and that it's something so minor that it's fixed in a jiffy.

  17. Someone used to call their depression a black dog, but I can't remember who. Was it Churchill? Anyway, that dog seems too happy. And all that snow! Holy cow.

    I am glad you're going to talk about this with the doctor, even though I agree there's a lot to be skeptical about in today's practice of medicine. Hang in there. If it's any consolation, I look forward to reading your blog every single day. You always bring a bit of brightness to my morning.

  18. Elizabeth- That post was one of the best things I've ever read anywhere. And you know why you care. And so do we all. Your heart is so good and you are as wise as you are empathetic. And smart, too. Brilliant, in fact. Golly. Can I be the president of your fan club? Please?
    I adore you.

    Steve Reed- Yeah. I think it was Churchill. And what you said about reading my blog? It IS consolation. So thanks so very much.

  19. Sometimes our physiology just needs a tweak. And I am okay with that. I believe in medicine more than I believe in the food in the grocery store. That's pretty scary to me.


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