Monday, February 17, 2014

Confusion, Anxiety, The Comfort Of A Man Who Has Lots Of Shit Dangling From His Hair

Eh, god, the anxiety hit me over the head like a fucking rockslide this afternoon. Probably my own damn fault. Not only did I go out into public but I also had a cup of coffee and what the hell was I thinking?

Took a beautiful walk this morning, had a nice chat with Ms. Liola who waved me down from the steps of her house as I was passing. Sometimes I sigh inside when this happens. Oh! The cardiac! Oh! The time! Then I think about it- she's older, her kids live far away, I don't even think she drives anywhere and she lives in a single-wide trailer. She's lonely. Hell- what kind of a person would I be not to stop and trade a little talk with her about the weather, who's had the flu and the colds, the grandkids, both hers and mine, our yards, the possibility of her getting some chickens, whether or not its been good weather to hang the clothes outside, etc.
And she's not one of those people who talk your head off or prattle on about silly gossip. She just wants to pass the time with another human and there I am and I know that feeling too so I stop and take my headphones out of my ears and we always have things to say, both of us living in Lloyd and being grandmas and liking to work in our yards and stuff.
I showed her a picture of Elvis on my phone today. She declared him a prize-winning rooster. I agreed.

So I felt okay after my walk and washed dishes and hung my clothes on the line and got dressed and went to town, thinking I'd find me a Mediterranean Diet cookbook. I started out at the nice Goodwill Bookstore which is more on the Lloyd side of Tallahassee and they did not have one. Not a one. They had a thousand cookbooks and yet, none about the Mediterranean Diet. So I thought, "What the hell?" and drove on down the road some miles to the Books a Million and fuck me if the Mediterranean Diet hasn't been replaced by the Paleo diet. Jesus. Everyone in the damn world has written a cookbook about the Paleo diet. I went through all the new cookbooks and all the bargain cookbooks and found exactly three Mediterranean Diet cookbooks and not one of them seemed worth the price although the pictures in them were just fucking lovely and I bought that lethal cup of coffee there. I browsed for at least forty-five minutes, my anxiety creeping and creeping to the point where I knew I had to get out of there but couldn't quite manage it until finally I made a break for it and I still had to go to Publix which I did where I couldn't even think about what to buy but I did buy some things and came home and put all the groceries away and felt frantic the whole time. I suddenly saw how filthy my house is and so I swept some and I tried to Magic Eraser some of the stains off of walls and doors but that's like trying to take down Mt. Everest with a dull teaspoon. I got the clothes off the line and folded them and put them away and made Mr. Moon's supper because he was leaving early to go to a basketball game in town and now he's fed and gone.
"We're going to be eating more vegetables," I told him as I served him some organic chicken breasts cut up in a sauce with tomatoes and onions and peppers and garlic and squash and green beans and carrots and what's probably the last of the kale from the garden over whole-grain pasta.
He said that was all right with him. He's so easy to please.

It all just feels like too much today. Too many books in the bookstore, too many choices in the grocery store. Too many cars on the road. Too much mold and dirt in my house. Too much, too much, too much, and mostly too much crazy illogical catastrophizing of every little thing.

Well. So it goes. The frogs are making enough noise to deafen me, their calls in the super-sonic range and the sun has set. Dinner's ready whenever I am. I am so defeated as to what to eat right now that I'd just as soon rather not. Maybe I should just try the Paleo Diet although I see that legumes are not included in the modern version of what cavemen ate and I can't live without eating beans so fuck that. I'm not a caveman and quite frankly, the fruits and vegetables that are grown today have very little to do with the fruits and vegetables gathered by the Paleos and that's the facts, Jack. Grass fed meats? I could do that, since my husband is a hunter but no cereal grains? No brown rice, no quinoa, no salt or potatoes? That doesn't sound right to me.

I always think about the Masai people who are some of the most beautiful people in the world whose diet traditionally was based mostly on raw meat, milk, and the blood of their cattle. They do not get cavities. But let's face it- I am not genetically closely related to the Masai although I haven't done DNA testing and so who knows? Not me.
So I guess I'll go eat some vegetables. And guess what? I am not going to live forever no matter what and neither is anyone else.

But speaking of people who live forever, or at least in junky years, I've been craving more Keith Richards in my life the last few days. Is this a sign of illness or of healing? I do not know but I think it is mostly a reminder that there are survivors in a sea of people who do not survive.

And I am grateful to have survived and that thought brings me some comfort.
Hey. I know y'all aren't going to watch these videos I'm posting tonight. That is all right. I have watched them. They have helped but your totems are probably not mine.
And this song is going through my mind and it soothes me.

Wild, wild horses. We'll ride them some day.

Maybe tomorrow I'll discuss Kim Kardashian's side boob.

Don't hold your breath.

Love...Ms. Moon


  1. I was reading up on diet research and the research has nothing good to say about Paleo. Why are smart people jumping on a rickety bandwagon?

    Dr. Oz today had a segment on his show about a modified Paleo that includes legumes 3x week and that seemed more reasonable to me. (I walked into the house and it was on and then it got turned off. I'm studying!)

    Noticing the trend in your writing (better when with the grands), when my anxiety was bad this morning I was certain to plan to spend some good time with my friends little ones, and it makes so much positive difference.

    But yes. Our world can be too much of it all.

  2. You are a treasure. A goddamn, mutherfuckin', sonofabitch TRUE treasure ! And I mean that. And I have no hesitation that you will misunderstand me, as we share our love of certain words - you are just a fuckin' treasure - let it in.

  3. Well hell's bells. I couldn't whip up a sauce like that to save my fucking life although I can make soup with frozen vegetables and that's about it.

    I had a day from the pits of hell. I sooo envy your walks. I can't wait for better weather so I can do the same!!

  4. NOLA- I had a friend who did the Paleo. She got colon cancer. Not saying there was a connection but it happened.
    I know. And I'll see my grands tomorrow.

    Liv- You have no idea how sweet your words were to me here. Thank you. So very fucking much. Amen.

    SJ- Oh hell yes you could make that sauce. Easy peasy. Saute some cut-up chicken breast meat in a little olive oil. Add garlic and all the vegetables. A can of diced tomatoes. Oregano. A jar of good marinara sauce. Simmer.

  5. I've missed hanging out here, but I've been out of town with no wifi other than my little old phone, so I didn't get a chance to read through everyone's blogs! I will catch up, though. Also, I have a really great Mediterranean diet cookbook that I highly recommend with diets all outlined for you. It's called "The Mediterranean Prescription" and is by Angelo Acquista, M.D. Maybe I'll start it as well and we can cheer one another on?

  6. I bet there are dozens of websites awash with recipes for the Med Diet,
    replete with gorgeous photography.
    You already know how to eat very well --- so much is straight out of the garden, and that counts for a lot. And yeah, I've learned I have to be a bit careful of the coffee-anxiety thing...

  7. Eating healthy is a challenge with all the processed foods out there. So we have basically cut them out--eating lots of veggies and fish. And today I did 5 miles which felt good.

  8. Your description of the anxiety building up made me feel anxious - that is how good of a writer you are. Yet, you went home and you did not get in bed and pull the covers over your head. You push through and work through and do the best you can. I just know "it be okay." I just know it. Sweet Jo

  9. Here's my idea of a diet: real food. Eat what your grandparents ate, I heard somewhere lately. I do like the idea of grass fed. But I don't give a shit about chia seeds or goji berries or whatever is the latest thing.
    Good luck. I could eat roasted veggies every night--and we pretty much do.
    I have missed reading your blog, and I hope to make that part of my regular diet soon.

  10. Just copy the pyramid from this link and stick it on your fridge and look at it from time to time:
    I find it looks great and impressive to visitors and occasionally I meditate over it with a cup of coffee warming my hands. I think it works a treat, literally.

    Yes, the Maasai, so impressively beautiful but believe me, forever plagued by tapeworm etc.

    And there can never be enough Rolling Stones in a day.

  11. I think I might replay wild horses all day. Thank you for the music this morning.

    I'm sorry about the too much. Too much everything, I get it, especially when I'm in a store trying to find more stuff to bring home to a house full of stuff. Some days I look around and see busy happy projects, and other days I see endless, hopeless, pointless things I'll never finish, or finish well.
    It's crazy.

    You know that Bill Murray interview? It was on the tv yesterday while I folded laundry. I never watch tv during the day, but for some reason I turned it on and there was Bill Murray's smiling face and deep blue eyes and his wisdom, and it really helped me to listen to him again and think about what he was saying. Keith does that for you too, I suppose. Testimonials to not just surviving, but to making the most of what we get.

    Now that Paleo diet? Makes me roll my eyes in the most judgmental way. Flavor of the month. Humans have evolved a bit since paleo days, and what the hell is a paleo dessert recipe book but inane? Kindle free downloads are rife with paleo crap. My ancestry is mostly irish, and potatoes and cabbage do make me happy, but I have shifted my diet to a fusion of Italian, Mediterranean, Asian and whatever I can think of that makes sense. But like Steph, I'm in awe of your success throwing things together. There's what I imagine making and there's what I actually make, not always pretty or tasty. But I keep trying.

    I hope today is a better day. It might be a little rollercoasterish for a while until you get used to your meds. And if, like me, you're a med quitter, be prepared for a little weirdness when you stop taking them too. Sometimes it helps when I tell myself that things are supposed to be weird, that off kilter is normal.

    Thanks for the Wild Horses. On my third listen already.

  12. Elizabeth- I immediately went to Amazon and ordered it, used, for five bucks. Yay! Thank you, sweetie.
    And sure, let's cheer each other on. I would love that.

    A- Well, I need to get out into that garden and plant some shit. I'm already behind.

    Syd- That's the way to do it. Excellent! I just want some new recipes. I'm tired of everything I cook.

    Sweet Jo- When I get to that level of anxiety, I can't be still. I have to physically move. It's uncomfortable, to say the least. I hate it.

    Denise- There is always a new miracle food,isn't there? Remember when it was wheat germ? Haha! Now that's toxic. Gluten out the yang. Yep. Michael Pollen said that- Eat food, not too much, mostly plants.

    Sabine- Maybe those tapeworms were why they were so thin. And I thought it was genetics! Makes sense, though. Thanks for the link to the pyramid. Yep. That all makes sense to me. Glad you liked the Stones.

    Mel- Bill and Keith's faces remind me of each other, in a way. Both craggy and the opposite of what we would call handsome but to me, as beautiful as can be. I love them both.
    My favorite diet that I've ever enjoyed was the food I eat in Cozumel. A little meat, some seafood, lots of corn tortillas, lots and lots of fresh salsa. Fruit. Some yogurt. Why don't I just eat like that all the time?
    Oh, I'm going to stick this medication trial out. Trust me. I feel like I have no choice. But yeah, I'm on a roller coaster and I know it.

  13. Maybe it's because of people like Keith, but I think as long as you're not shooting heroin, you'll be okay. What kind of life is a life without the odd baked potato slathered in butter and sour cream?! I say everything (but heroin) in moderation. Screw diets.
    Wild Horses is my favorite Rolling Stones song ever.
    Have you seen the movie Life of Pi? Parker's name reminds me of the tiger named Richard Parker in that movie.
    You need a jar of worms to carry in your pocket when you shop. Seriously, you start panicking, you just chuck a jar of worms away from you, to create a distraction, then you get the hell out of there.

  14. Wild horses … great fucking song!
    I don't understand the Paleo diet, either. No chocolate?! No bread?! I'm out. I'm all about eating what I love and want in moderation. Food and good food is one of the gifts of living.


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