Monday, February 15, 2010

TMI But WTF?


When I went to town I had one thing on my mind- to get something to wear under my dress and Target was my destination. But on my way in, I realized I was going to drive right past the road that Lily and Jason and Owen live on and as I got closer and closer, there was a giant magnetic force which overtook me and I took a right and drove down their road and parked in front of their house and although I knocked politely, when Jason opened the door I practically ran him over in my desperate attempt to get to my grandson.
Hell! It's been four days since I've seen him! He turned 20 weeks old on Saturday and let me tell you something- he's grown since last Thursday and he can do things now he couldn't do then and if he gets any cuter my head is going to EXPLODE and my heart is going to BURST and the world may just collapse into utter chaos.
Phew. I think I've used up my daily allotment of exclamation points there. Sorry.
So anyway I had to hug on him and kiss his tummy and I grabbed the little outfit his mama was holding and put it on him myself because I couldn't not touch him and I couldn't stand not doing for him and well, that was all that needed to be done at that point so I did it.
Bruce Springsteen was playing on the TV so I took Owen to sit in front of it and said, "Now Owen, that's The Boss. He's my guitar hero. And see that guy? That's Clarence. Isn't he beautiful?" And so on. I'm not sure how impressed Owen was. If he can't chew on it or suck on it, it doesn't hold much interest for him. So I let him suck on my face. Okay. If there is a heaven, it'll be a place where you can watch Bruce Springsteen and get your face sucked by a beloved five-month old. Seriously. It was a life-time high point.
I could hardly control my dizzy happiness.

I finally had to break away and get back in the car and go to Doody-Head Target where they didn't have a darn thing I could use to wear under my dress. Not bike shorts or leggin's or even men's bike shorts. Nada. So I drove to Beall's, which I hate, but there, in the Junior section, by some miracle of the Lord Above, were white leggin's and they were half price so they cost only about five times what they are actually worth although I certainly would have paid full price because my next option was to go to the mall and well, no.

And then I went to a different Publix (and for those of you who do not know what a Publix is, it is a grocery store whose motto is "Where Shopping Is A Pleasure" and they don't lie and there are about fifteen of them in Tallahassee and everyone has their own Publix where they always shop) and going to a different Publix is like going to Disney World for me. Seriously. I walked around in wonder. Whoa! They have brown rice sushi! And so forth. And I bought some brown rice sushi for my supper because Mr. Moon was supposed to be out of town tonight but when I got home, he was taking a shower and getting ready to put on his camo for the second time today. He got up at four-forty-five a.m. (I kid you not) to go this morning and now he's going again and he's not going out of town tonight. Well, you know I love the man but a small container of brown rice sushi is not going to do for his supper so I am making him some chicken and rice and well, why am I telling you this? NO ONE CARES!

Look. Go over to Roll Up The Rugs and see how the big girls do it. Not big like fat. Oh no. Big like "real writer".

I have to go over my lines again now and I think I'll do that in the bath tub because I have one of those boils on my butt (aren't you glad I told you that?) which either needs to fix itself or give birth to an alien. I'm not sure which. I should go weed in the garden and maybe I'll do that first. I don't know. So many options. The sun's shining again and the weather, she is as crazy as I am. It's freezing cold out there. I think I'd rather get in the tub. And oh yes, make some chicken and rice.

And one more thing. If you don't get Leonard Pitts' column in your paper (haha! like anyone but me reads a paper), go read this. If you have a second.

And go find a baby to suck on your face. It's sure to turn your day right around in a very good way.

23 comments:

  1. I'm glad you found your over-priced shorts. Hope the damn boil goes away.

    Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. chicken and brown rice sounds like a great meal and YES WE CARE!!!

    yep..you're right, face suckings by adored baby things is about the closest to heaven we'll ever ever get before we get there for real. my girls have started giving real kisses and even a couple of real hugs (little arms thrown around your neck, spontaneously) oh GAD it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, those little hugs. aaahhh!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had the very last of my frozen veggie soup and now I am really sad because I can't get groceries til next month when someone can take me to the store because the grocery stores are halting delivery til the snow melts which will be NEVER.

    And if you made it through THAT run-on sentence, bless your heart :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I about fell outta my chair when I read about your boil(does anyone still call them carbunkles?). I hope it gets gone soon!
    best of luck with your lines!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You sound positively delirious with happiness. It's wonderful.
    Love you, dear,
    Angie

    ReplyDelete
  6. Reading the newspaper is something I do daily. We get home delivery of the St Louis Post Dispatch daily.....and our local paper once a week. I love the feel and sound and smell of the newspaper.......

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ms. Bastard- The damn shorts aren't going to work. That's six damn dollars down the drain. I hope the boil leaves soon too.

    Ms. Fleur- You missed us right?
    Glad you're home!

    Screamish- I remember when my babies started patting MY back when I picked them up to pat theirs. Oh. The heaven.

    SJ- This sounds dire. What are you going to do? Don't starve!

    Kaitlen- Carbuncle! Yes! What a great word. Thank-you for reminding me.

    Angie C- I think just plain "delirious" would do it.

    Rebecca- I know. How can you replace paper?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, got distracted by your genius daughter. Damn you got some family. Loved this post. It's never TMI with you as far as I'm concerned. You tell it all so well.

    Is the confession booth open?
    I ate at least 4 candy canes today among other horrible things.
    (though did take a very long walk)
    (that won't stop my teeth from rotting though)

    Boil boil toil and trouble, be gone!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh -I'm coming to live with you. Didn't you know?!?

    ReplyDelete
  10. First of all, thank you for the link. I haven't read Leonard Pitts, and it was really something. I especially liked this: "And I am tired of being asked to pretend stupid is a virtue." Amen to that.

    Second, have you ever read David Sedaris? He has the funniest, grossest essay EVER about a boil on his ass that made your TMI seem like Emily Post. I can't remember which anthology it's from (I think the last one or the next to last one) -- go read it!

    Third -- I love your posts. Just love them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Rebecca and Ms Moon, I have to come out and say I'm a daily newspaper-reader too. My day just doesn't start right without sitting down and scanning the pages. And I read most of the articles. I love everything about it - I'm in a long-term relationship with my local daily newspaper!

    ReplyDelete
  12. oooo!!!!

    i hope the boil on your butt gives birth to an alien and that alien is a girl.

    you wouldn't have to demand a grand daughter; you could dress your butt boil girl child in those pretty paper wing dresses instead.

    off to read may...

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  13. I read May's piece,
    your daughter is beautiful, and talented and as you said, writes such that you don't want the words to stop.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh YESSSS!!! I miss you all! In fact, I almost came over to borrow a shower and return your bowl today... Just so happens that I HAVE to be someplace and as you know the dang lectricity was out ALL damn night and most of the morning! brrrrrr!


    Can I just say I HATE Progress Energy? Well, I do~

    But the real reason I am double commenting is because I forgot to say that I really think the title of this post is hilarious!
    Love you and talk soon for real.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. glad you got your owen fix

    hope your bottom feels better soon

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh, I completely sympathise with your boil! I have an itchy spot on mine and if it develops into a boil, I will scream. I hope the bath helped. You should get someone to lance it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Doody-head target? Ha, that is how I feel about Wal-Mart, only worse. And I wish I had a Publix here.....

    ReplyDelete
  18. I think a slobbery, drooly, face-sucking, baby can cure anything...anyone have a baby I could borrow? I miss little babies....Ms. Moon you are a lucky lady with a Grandchild...I am impatient obviously...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Good music and a baby sucking on my face sure sounds like heaven to me!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Bethany- It could be worse. Candy canes have no fat.

    SJ- Okay. I'll be wearing a white carnation so you'll know who I am.

    Elizabeth- Leonard Pitts always writes columns that I say "amen" to. He's awesome. And he thinks. I did read that David Sedaris story. It's one of my favorite love stories ever.

    Nigel- So it's not JUST me? Good!

    Adrienne- We'll name her Alienanna.

    Deb- You are not kidding.

    Ms. Fleur- The guy at Progress said a squirrel or a bird burned up a transformer.

    Mwa- NO LANCING!

    Kori- Really I love Target. But I hate Walmart with a passion.

    Ellen- Be patient. It's worth it.

    Justme- Biggest bang for my buck.

    ReplyDelete
  21. That made the song Delta Dawn pop in my head...

    ReplyDelete
  22. You still have a Beall's? I thought all of those had disappeared.

    I haven't seen my little guy for almost 2 weeks. I miss him SO much.

    ReplyDelete

Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.