Allegra wrote today about getting a manicure and pedicure and about how she was taught from a very early age to take care of her skin and nails in a beautiful and natural way.
It was a lovely post and as always, made me wonder at the upbringing this woman had- so very different from my own. Hers in exotic lands (at least to me) and mine in a very rural part of Florida. She had a mother who believed in taking care of oneself in a way that my mother never would have dreamed of and I can see how such differences follow one all the way through life, informing our choices, our very attitudes about ourselves.
While Allegra remembers a woman coming to their house monthly to give delicious facials of oatmeal and egg whites and avocados which kept away teenaged acne, I remember using Phisohex, a nasty white medicated soap which smelled terrible and has a list of side-effects a mile long. It was also used in my house to bathe my tiny brothers with and I think about that now and I shudder. Ah well, it was what the doctors recommended and thus it was used, the medicinal green plastic squirt bottle at the sink and at the tub.
My mother was raised by a very practical and very self-denying man who was a good man but saying he was stern would hardly put the label to him. Her mother seemed to have wilted in that man's shadow so that by the time I met her, she was nothing more than a deaf woman whose life was dictated by her deafness, by the heavy black glasses she wore with the hearing aids inside the arms which squealed and caused her pain. She was a sweet woman and I remember her tiny breasts, hanging down in the softness of whichever of the three dresses she wore. She had three, I think, and the brand was Shelton Stroller and two were blue, one was green. I liked the green one best.
Anyway, when we lived behind my grandmother and my grandfather, my mother, my brother and I, our lives were always lived under the watchful eye of Granddaddy and I remember once, Mother putting on mascara and saying, "Don't tell your grandfather."
He was of the firm belief that only whores wore make-up, only prostitutes had pierced ears, only women of low morals painted their fingernails or toenails and I don't know why. He wasn't especially religious. I doubt I ever heard him utter a religious thought. But he had these beliefs, he kept them all his life. He was raised on a farm in Pennsylvania and I can only imagine how cold and dark that life must have been growing up, for the women especially.
Once, when I was probably about nine, I went to a friend's house and we painted our toenails. I felt beautiful, gorgeous, and I ran home to show my mother.
"You better get that off before your grandfather sees it!" were her only words and she meant them.
But how to get it off without nail polish remover? I was in a panic. Nothing I did could get it off. I was frantic, chipping and rubbing and I must have somehow managed because he never saw it.
Is it any wonder that I go through life thinking that any small vanity is somehow sinful? Thinking that my hair, my nails, my feet, my face do not matter unless I am in a play or going on a date or a vacation? Is it?
My Lizzie will put on her jewels and her petticoats for a special night at home with her Lon. I love that about her. My friend, Pam, whose mother also taught her to treat her skin as if it were precious, is always soft and smells good and her make-up is beautiful. Kathleen, although she rarely wears make-up, gets facials for herself and her, mother, too, encouraged her to take care of herself. I am drawn to women like this. But I rarely do any of that for myself. I give my girls gift certificates for mani's and pedi's and once in a blue moon I go with them to get them. Sometimes. Sometimes I do, but then I think of the money and feel it's foolish to spend it like that on myself. I get my hair trimmed maybe twice a year. I file my nails at red lights.
But there is that craving in me to do more. To dress with more care, to wear a bit of make-up, to have pretty toenails, at least, to wear my jewels more often. I had thought, as I have said before, that by now, at this age, I would be in my old gypsy years. This has not turned out to be true and I use my hands and feet like brute animals and am grateful they do for me the work I ask of them and that is about that.
Lis and I used to get manicures. We would go see Mr. Randy at his shop in St. Augustine and get our hair done and Mr. Randy would encourage me to try new things with my hair and Lis and I would pick out nail-polish which took long moments of deciding and the woman would soak our fingers, file our nails, paint them with lacquer. We felt so good. We would dress and share jewelry, share clothes, go out and have martinis, we giggled and got tipsy, we felt like queens. But that was for St. Augustine. That was for playing with Lis. I had forgotten, up until this moment, how fun that was. How we would do that, just for ourselves, just to glitter in the night and be happy.
I wish we still did that but both of us seem so busy now. She with her music work and her house and garden and grandson; me with all that I do here. But Lis still dresses up. She is a performer and that's part of her life but she does it even when she doesn't have to for work. She does it to make her husband happy. She does it to make herself happy.
Allegra has made me think today. She has made me realize that a little vanity is nothing more than taking care of ourselves in a way that cherishes our womanliness. There is nothing evil in a little paint, a little powder, a pretty necklace, a sparkly earring. There is nothing wrong with decoration or pampering. There is no sin in smelling good and paying for the lotion, the perfume, to make ourselves feel that way, smell that way.
I pick flowers all year 'round and arrange them here and there in my house. I doubt anyone notices but me. But that's okay. I do it to please myself, to beautify my house which I love. Is there anything wrong with doing the same for my own body and face, hands and feet? Even if no one notices. Even if it is just for me?
I don't think so and I am grateful to Allegra for pointing this out, for making me realize that even if mothers do not sow the seeds of this self-appreciation, self-love, they can be sown later. I'm going to try and remember that. I'm going to try and do a little better.
What do you do which some would call vanity? What do you do that you do only for yourself? Where did you learn it? Tattoos? Hair? Nails? Make-up? Clothes? Baths?
What do you do to tell your precious body it is worthy of decoration, of care?
And thereby tell yourself you are worthy of love, even if what you are doing is merely a representation of that?
I would like to know on this cold morning.
Tell me.
I'm in your mold, it's hard to take time/money on more than cleanliness. My sisters, however, are beautiful before they go to sweat on a run. They're powerful women but appealing, in part for personality and smiles, in part for appearance.
ReplyDeleteGlad you posted this, made me think. I know I feel more confident when I'm more attractive. Worth the effort.
I am kind of a shoe person, but I also do like manicures and pedicures on occasion to spoil myself, especially in the summer when my toes are showing. And, I do love those leg massages they give with the pedicures. But, yeah. I grew up thinking that stuff was a luxury so it's hard for me to wrap my brain around spending the money and it being a regular thing.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what any of it means. Vanity or lack of is, for me, a matter of money-stupid, perhaps, but true. So many years of not having money for the basics, or just barely, has ingrained in me the absolute inability to do anything for myself. I feel guilty as hell when I find a perfume I love on Ebay for $15, and even now will only save it for "special" occasions-which in my life is, what, I have no idea. This is definitly food for thought, Ms. Moon.
ReplyDeleteI get my nails done once a month. I dye my own hair, but I do love the color. I always shave my legs. Everyday. I like the feeling. I always make sure I am clean and smell good and brush my teeth. My Mom never did and never does anything for herself. I learned it all in college when I saw the beautiful girls sashaying about. And I wanted that.
ReplyDeleteI never get facials or mani's or pedi's. I never pay to have my hair cut, I do it myself.
ReplyDeleteI like my earrings though :)
Hm, interesting.
ReplyDeleteI can't stand any of it really. Jewelry, polish, nice clothes. And it's not that I feel it's wrong - it's just that I can't be bothered. There are so many other ways that I want to spend my time and money, and I DESPISE the feeling of nail polish - used it when young and stopped, and a friend convinced me to get a pedicure and I couldn't get it off fast enough - felt really icky, like my nails couldn't breathe.
I do like to be clean.
Maybe my hair? But that is externally imposed. I'm happiest with VERY short hair because it's the least fuss. A friend and I used to get ours cut & colored regularly at the Vidal Sassoon Academy in Santa Monica, and that was fun.
Here's something funny (I think): when I spent time on the Liberian refugee camp, we westerners always looked a mess, and the Liberians were in amazingly tip-top shape. They always looked SO good. I have no idea why the dust did not settle on them like it did me (well, in part because they spent all sorts of time cleaning shoes and clothes; and my Liberian friends spent far more time preening each morning than I). (And I mean FAR more time. I can't tell you how many hours I spent waiting on men in showers.) (And by "showers" I mean a bucket in a little area - of course no running water there.)
There's rather a cultural thing at work amongst young westerners - that dressing down is hip; especially in disasters and the like, it's as though a daily bucket shower is a waste of resources. I guess I buy into that, though can appreciate the other side.
But every time I have to put on a suit and makeup and jewelry to go be an attorney, I hate it. HATE.IT. I feel false, not pretty.
Hey you.
ReplyDeleteMy dad and your grandpaw seemed to have a lot in common. I think when they were coming up, "painted ladies" were extravagant and also "inviting" attention. Back then, it was widely thought that men could not be held responsible for their behaviors concerning their libidos... He probably thought he was protecting you from getting raped or something. At least I think that was the case with my dad....
I have always felt sort of frumpy, but I do like dressing up and I like shoes. I did go through a facial phase, but seems like there is no time now...
I don't think it's vanity at ALL. I think once again, western men trying to run buckshot on anything that they find the least bit threatening. THAT is vanity! Anyway, I hope you celebrate your loveliness more often and I have to say, I still smell like you and Owen.. Oddly before I ever read this I was thinking what is that wonderful smell coming from someplace on me (I can really smell it on my left hand) and I realized it was you guys! Thanks for stopping and letting me hold Mr Yummy! and for making me smell good!
xoxo pf word verification: "ninny" I swear!
I guess what I do with my body is exercise. I run and lift weights but I really do not have a skin or beauty regiment. Reading your post reminded of one of the skin care tips my Mom suggested when I was a teen and that was cleaning my face with hydrogen peroxide. I don't know if it worked but eyebrows would occasionally turn orange when I wasn't careful.
ReplyDeleteI've often wondered if I had a sister instead of a brother that I would know those secrets of womanhood...how to apply makeup, how to wear clothes that actually fit, etc.
ReplyDeleteI've never had somebody who could say, "That doesn't look good on you, but try this." My mother tried, bless her heart, but that mother-daughter relationship can be a landmine, at times.
I don't care for jewerly, but I get pedicures from May to October, about once a month. I love the flash of color on my toes, peeking out from the sandals.
I'll give myself a good haircut about twice a year.
And, I work out religiously, but that's mostly to keep me off of Zoloft.
Thank you, thank you for this post. I have a friend who very vocally speaks against body beautification. She says women only wear makeup to attract a mate. She has confused me, this friend. I wear makeup nearly every day, because I love putting it on. It feels like art, and I like how it makes me look. I like to look nice for myself and my husband. She made me worry that there is something inferior about my view of women in society--that I am doing women everywhere a disservice by putting on lipstick. I like your take much better. I am doing myself a service by pampering and cherishing myself. I also enjoy wearing big earrings. I don't much these days because of little grabby hands, but I will again someday soon.
ReplyDeleteI come from another world and another time and that is enough of an explanation I guess. My mother was a beautiful, gentle soul who had four daughters and tried to pass on to them the things she knew would make life easier in the world they lived. I have carried with me those lessons into this very different world, and I am glad I did.
ReplyDeleteI am a silversmith, my hands are often a disaster area in almost all the ways they could be. If my mother wouldn't have inculcated in me the need to take care of them I would probably hate to look down and see the end of my fingers day in and day out. Clean cut and polished nails - to this day I only use clear polish most of the time - reminds me that grooming is a basic courtesy to others. Having been around people who believe that "natural" is better and eschew both showers and deodorants I am glad I was taught that at an early age.
I indulge in one of those suggestions you made.
ReplyDeleteIt may sound stupid and sappy, but a genuine smile pleases my eye more than any lipstick can.
I wear makeup because I don't wish to frighten my co-workers. I bite my nails, so no manicure or pedicure for me. I do NOT bite my toenails, though, I am proud to report. I do get my hair highlighted and cut occasionally, but not as often as I should. I'm a low maintenance kind of ho.
ReplyDeleteLove you, my dear Ms. Moon!
I commented earlier, but got to thinking... the thing I really do for myself is shower every day. I love the shower. The sound of the water falling, the alone time, the way the steam clears my sinuses and my head. I don't care for baths too much but I would hate to do without my shower.
ReplyDeleteIf someone tries to pat my stomach I smack them.
ReplyDeleteHello luv. Okay, I haven't been to Mr. Randy in what seems like a decade. The last time I cut my hair, I did it myself again in the sink and it didn't go well. Thankfully I have that little bit of wave to my hair or it would have been a true disaster. I hope we can rekindle our salon selves soon. Top shelf margarita first? Thanks for saying all these sweet thing and making it sound like I've got it together. :) Ha! Only in the petticoats and jewels department. Everything else is running amok right now... eXCEPT the fact that we're coming to opening night!!! Now you know I'll have my outfit goin' on for that. Love ya girl. You are so very dear. xo xo Maxine
ReplyDeleteI love this post and must go and read Allegra's. I too was raised by a community of women who loved to pamper themselves and I have carried on the tradition with my 4 year-old daughter. We lavish our skin daily with scented baths, creams and lotions and perfumes. Once a month we get our nails done together. I color my own hair, but splurge on facials every six weeks and total body waxing. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI only recently got my very first manicure on my 43rd birthday. That was two weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteThe older I get the more I pay attention to my body. You have to. She demands that attention or she falls apart. I was always too much in a hurry to get a facial or comb my hair or do my nails. I gave up makeup in highschool. It takes too much time! I have too much to do saving the planet or studying. Now I enjoy buying shampoo that feels good, dying the gray out of my hair, wearing a little lipstick when I go out on the town.
Doing this gets me out of my head and into my body, which calms me down and focusing my attention.
I have a past, when this stuff mattered to me. Now it doesn't, but I think somethings could be improved. I am very frumpy. But my life is spent in a barn. 'nuff said!
ReplyDeleteMs, Moon, throw away the voices which tell you, you shouldn't. Do what you want.
And again-
ReplyDeletewe must be related
and again-
you're making me think think think
I love this writing. But I can't think about it for myself right now. Too confusing.
ReplyDeleteI know I wrote a long, self-involved comment on this wonderful post but it never appeared. Perhaps it's a message to me that, indeed, I am "letting myself go," and it actually doesn't bother me one whit. I grew up in a household where appearances were paramount -- my beautiful mother and father were very glamorous and I always felt pressure to be so as well. I know that I need to lose weight and am trying hard to do so, but overall I feel a definite freedom in not doing all those things that I used to. However, your post has inspired me to perhaps get a mani/pedi -- I need to draw the line somewhere after all...
ReplyDeleteI NEVER leave the house without makeup and it's rare I leave without doing my hair. My honey is the only one who ever sees me un-done but honestly it was 2-3 years into our relationship before she did. First thing in the morning I was up to the bathroom, washed my face and put on my makeup. I bite my finger nails so a manicure is no good and I hate people touching my feet so no pedicure.
ReplyDeleteI grew up with my mom always talking about how in her youth she never left the house with out hair and makeup done. She had relaxed a bit by the time I was a teenager but it still always stuck with me.
I do it for myself. Honestly, I would feel naked and just not myself if I were out without makeup. I'll have to think about this more though.