Sunday, July 14, 2019

Doing My Best

Last night during supper, the anxiety came back upon me full force and it was all I could do to tell my husband that I needed to take some medication and get in the bed and that's what I did. He hates that there's nothing he can do for me but honestly, there's just not.
I had forgotten how powerful this thing is. It is truly overwhelming. When I'm in the midst of it I think of things like meditation or trying to be mindful or anchoring myself in the present but all of that seems like spitting into a forest fire and the best thing to do is to take the medication and wait it out.
I slept deeply but it was still with me this morning although as the day has passed, it has loosened its grip. I haven't done much and it's all been mindless because I simply cannot really think or process things well when I'm in this state. I did laundry and rearranged and tidied two cabinets and then I ironed and that was all I was capable of doing.

Mr. Moon has taken Owen and Gibson and our friend Tom out on the St. Mark's river in the boat that he's had work done on. I hope all is going well. I was invited but may as well have been invited to scale Mr. Everest. I have had no desire to go outside at all, not even to check eggs or go look at my garden. And so I haven't.
And now I feel as if I'm in sort of a limbo world of being neither here nor anywhere else. A bit of dissociation, I suppose. The brain will definitely crawl away from whatever brings it such misery if it is allowed to.

I am wondering how much of what is going on in this country of ours right now is contributing to this whole thing. I am sure that the Epstein trial and talk have been triggering but the idea of people in cages, especially children, and of ICE agents beating on doors like the Gestapo is more than I can bear. In all honesty, even the most pathological of anxieties is probably an appropriate response to all of this. I can't stop thinking about how all of this evil is being promulgated by a president who has no legitimacy. Who is, as we speak, breaking who-knows how many laws. Who is not being restrained in any way that I can see by those who are sworn to uphold the constitution.
Like a mantra I keep thinking, "How is this happening, how is this happening, how is this happening?"
Those words have been a constant refrain for so many of us since the night of the election and it is only growing louder and louder in my head.
Probably yours too.

I'm going to be okay, though. I know I will be. And I honestly think that our country will be okay too. It might take a lot of time and it's going to take a lot of hard work and it's going to take so many people doing the right thing, the hard thing, but I believe we can do that. I believe that there are many, many people already doing it.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.

I have no tidy ending. Tidy endings are rare if not unknown in real life.
Let's just keep on doing the best we can, okay?

Love...Ms. Moon






21 comments:

  1. I'm in awe of you here, suffering so mightily yet writing so beautifully and helping all of us. I love you so much.

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    1. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you. I love you too, Elizabeth.

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  2. I saw this today, it's cheesey as can be, but I still like it.
    https://www.rainbirdroots.com/product-page/the-mountain-watercolour-typewriter-print

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    1. It's not cheesy. It's beautiful. Thank you, dear Jo.

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  3. I am so awfully sorry for what you are going through.I believe you are correct in the assessment you made regarding current events.I am anxious and depressed to a lesser degree for sure , but children in cages and Gestapo roundups have me really shook up. I treasure your writing and want you to know you are not alone.

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  4. like waiting to take an exam for which we are ill prepared - not sure which is worse , the exam or the waiting or the not knowing anything, but it is most certainly causing some upset, some rumblings down below, in the depths- I wish I had medication- I would take it all damn day. My kids are old enough, they are woke and aware and it is breaking my heart, really...they are so getting shat on.

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  5. We all owe Jo a thanks for her lovely gift to you. Thank your family for loving you. The concrete floors and wire fences cannot last forever; that is too long.

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  6. Hugs to you. My own anxiety is worsening, a combination of age, trauma and environment. Take each day as you can and know that you are loved .

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  7. Well said... and I'm so sorry all of this Negativity and Evil going on in our Country right now is triggering so many difficult reactions. I too have been on such a Low as never before, the exposure to all of this cannot be healthy for anyone, it's all so detestable, so out of control, so WRONG! I do Hope as a Nation we can recover and be Okay, I have guarded Optimism enough Good People are left to promote Positive changes and resist victoriously. It's going to be a long battle tho', at least now we know who and what we're up against, they have all crawled out of the woodwork with this sociopath being in a Leadership role... and revealing also, his corrupt vile Billionaire Boys Club for what they truly are... Criminals of the worst kind!

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  8. I am so sorry you are tormented by this.

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  9. Dear,sweet, Mrs moon.
    I'm so saddened to hear this. I send a great big hug and all the positive thoughts I can.
    You will come out the other side. Xx

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  10. Hoping you find some relief from your anguish. Soon.

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  11. well, fuck Mary. I'd like to beat that bastard with a stick, the anxiety and Trump. and the entire ball-less spineless GOP.

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  12. We as a country will get through this somehow. Together. All the decent people, like you and me and the other readers here. The evil ones are not the majority in this country. I can't believe that they are or I would despair. One day hopefully sooner rather than later this nightmare will be over and we can get back to some kind of normal. I hope.

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  13. I'm sorry to hear this Mary. It's all so fucked at the moment and knowing that it will all change in the next moment offers little solace. Sending all the love.

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  14. Your honesty touches me deeply.
    There is so much to fear and feel angry about. I seem to spend more and more time and energy every morning looked for the bright side of life.

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  15. I am sorry to hear that this is upsetting you. Sending love and light and I am lighting a candle right now for you sweet Mary.
    It is done, I lit two for you. One is Creamy Vanilla to sooth you and the other is a large Citronella that along with the mosquitos, perhaps it will also help chase away this awful feeling that is hurting you. Mentally and physically.
    I feel overwhelmed.
    My son Matthew is a truck driver. On Friday he was coming back to Austin from Laredo. He was on a loop in San Antonio with no place to get off and there was a large box in the road.
    He hit it and tried to get off the road but the truck caught fire. He barely got out before it was engulfed in flames.
    He lost everything he owned in that truck fire. He had his clothes, personal items, microwave, log books etc but thankfully he is alive and not hurt and no one else was hurt.
    He didn't lose his job and another truck picked him up about an hour ago to take him to Laredo to pick up his new truck.
    I am still shaken up so I understand what your feeling. Maybe not the exact same way because that would be impossible, but to understand it... I do. I really do.
    We love you Mary and your writing is really helping so many people. I really wish I could offer words like you do that would help you.
    I have had to put on music or read or anything but the news. I am taking a step back and trying to think of what I can do to help and the answer is nothing.
    The GOP are spineless and they will never stand up for our country. The best thing to do is make sure that our voices are heard as often as possible and to meet at the polls and get him and his crooks out of there.
    Wish I could be more positive. I love how you can look at both sides of the isle and say what really matters... xxx Beth

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    1. I am so sorry to hear of what you son has just been through. There is nothing more shattering than our kids in jeopardy, but I'm so glad he is safe.

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  16. Mary, love, yes, the crazy in our country is definitely in the mix, and you are perhaps more sensitive than most to the prevailing winds. True evil in in the White House, frankly a mix of evil and idiocy, which is even worse perhaps. Good for you for taking care of yourself, and taking yourself to bed. Sending lovelovelove

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.