A little bit of pulling and trimming outside and babies and roosters and big boys and Owen helping me pick salad greens from the garden and discovering that he likes raw collards ("You grow the best food, Mer!") and reading Maggie a book and watching August do his new things like almost run across the yard and watching Maggie toddle towards a chicken and then a cat to try and catch them to no avail and cooking greens with tomatoes and onions and watching Jessie give the babies a tour in the garden cart.
"And on your right you see Mick the rooster..."
And Boppy and Owen shooting cans with the BB gun and then Jessie and Lily doing the same and Owen saying, "Next time, you get to shoot, Mer!"
Babies reaching out their arms for me and Gibson crying because he hurt his hand, his head in his mama's lap and Maggie reaching down to hug him hard.
All of these things.
This is how we do it, how I get through it, how I can feel the anxiety leak a little. I grow so quiet but it's okay. I'm in here. I'm watching, I'm listening. I am loving the hugs and the little hands in mine and the arms around the neck and all of it. I do.
Quietly and gratefully, I do.