Friday, February 1, 2013

Picking Up Where I Left Off

Ah yes. Now I remember what I was doing three weeks ago when my mother fell and broke her ribs which was the beginning of the downward spiral which led to her death.
I was being sick.
And it feels like I've picked up right where I left off.

Yesterday was a huge waste. I made a nest in the guest room bed and I did not get far from it all day. I watched some TV, I read. I slept. I slept and slept and slept. And when Mr. Moon got home, I cried. Everything he tried to do for me made me angry and I felt as if I'd lost my mind and then he finally came and laid down beside me and I turned on my side and he rubbed my back and it was the most wonderful thing anyone ever did for me. He put those huge hands of his on my back and shoulders and it was a comfort and the thought of that, that sweetness and comfort, is making me cry again.

I feel as if I've just completely fallen apart. I guess this was inevitable. I don't know.

Lily got the pukes last night. She texted me around nine that it had begun. And she was up off and on, being sick, until four a.m. I just talked to her and she seems to be on the other side of it now. So hopefully, that household is done with it all for now. Except for the resting, the recovery. It's been a hard January around here. I feel as if I really let myself, I might just cry and cry for days. As it is, I just keep leaking sudden hot tears and then they disappear and I go on, maybe just to sleep, but they're right there, they're perched on the rims of my eyes like those water-ballet ladies in old movies, posed on the edge of the pool, ready to stretch their arms overhead sideways and fall gracefully, one after the other in a synchronized motion.

Well anyway. I let the chickens out and went and picked a few collard leaves in case I manage to make a soup later. In a little while I have to go to the post office. I think there is something there that I have to sign and return via the mail for this executing of the will. This means I have to put on clothing that I can wear out in public. Even though the bar here in Lloyd is set pretty low as to what is acceptable in that area, it is not set low enough to accept what I am wearing now. At least I am wearing a matching pair of shoes which I was not yesterday when, at one point, I looked down to notice that I was wearing a black-and-pink Croc and a blue-and-green Croc. Same style, in my defense. But I've corrected that matter and in fact, when I got out of bed this morning I put on fresh pajama-like clothing instead of merely putting on what I took off last night which I consider to be fairly heroic but GOD. Now I have to put on something else.
Will the torture never end?

Okay. I just made myself smile a little so I guess I'll live. For awhile at least.

I guess I'll go put on some overalls and make that block-and-a-half trek to the Lloyd Post Office which will probably wear me out enough to come home and put my pajama-like clothing back on and get back in bed.
I am looking forward to that. We all need something to live for.

Be well, y'all.

Happy Friday.

Love...Ms. Moon


15 comments:

  1. I hope you are feeling better in all ways soon. Wishing you a cozy weekend of pure nothing. (except rest and goodness)
    xo

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  2. Having been through this now 5 times (as the son of the caregiver) please believe me when I say it is crucial you take care of yourself right now. It all happens just like you're describing: the death, sadness but relief, legal chores, more relief, then the exhaustion...
    The exhaustion part is the kicker. Rest, yes, but keep walking and keep doing; this is the toughest stage physically.
    Take care,
    D

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  3. Oh Mary, I'm so sorry you're sick again. I do believe, as Magnum said, a lot of it is pure exhaustion. After you get back from the p.o. please get back into your comfy clothes and nurture yourself as much as you possibly can. I'm sending you love and hugs.

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  4. If there's any comfort in normalcy, it sounds to me that it's perfectly normal to collapse at some point and cry endlessly after the month that you've had. I wish you much comfort and rest and many back rubs from your man.

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  5. The mind is a powerful thing. You simply put off your recovery to deal with your mother's death. Now you are back where you left off.

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  6. Yes, this is inevitable after a death and all you've dealt with. You write so beautifully about your feelings... the synchronized motion of the tears. It is a pleasure to share in your journey. BTW, I live in pajama-like clothing as much as possible and I've influenced several friends in this lifestyle as well :) I wish you a restful and no barfing weekend. S Jo

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  7. Damn, Ms. Moon. Sick?! I hope you feel better soon soon soon.
    xo

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  8. "Remember to take care of You!" My mom used to say. You've lost the hope that you will ever have the kind of mother you deserve and that is a hard thing to let go of. More of those big, wide hands rubbing your back are just the ticket. x0 N2

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  9. You're grieving, dear. Let it happen. Cry all you want. Everything you dreamed might one day be, never will be. You're going to feel out of sorts. Being sick is as good a reason as any to take to your bed. Be gentle with you.

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  10. It is grief. I feel it coming on me little by little, even though I haven't lost either of the parents yet. But the feeling of loss is there because their spirits are gone and the quality of life isn't good.

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  11. Dear Mrs Moon, of course it will creep up on you and suddenly you are angry at the world.. but boy, do you have a wonderful husband.. a back massage is the best in the world done by your lover.!!!.. I hope the sickness passes quickly, its a devil to get rid of.. but in the midst of it all, writing your blog bit, you smiled at what you've written so you are still the owner of a great sense of humour!! your wry comments make us all smile, not just you! thank you for sharing, and be easy on yourself, go with the flow Mrs M, it'll work out fine in the end.... and besides, in five years, five months or five days or even 5 hours, it will all have passed and life just goes chugging along anyway!! hugs a plenty from me on the other side of that pond! janzi

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  12. Hey there, dear girl....
    I loved your last paragraph.

    And I'll give you something else to live for. I am working on my treatise to follow up the blog I wrote on Loss and grief.

    This is on your favorite subject, GUILT, and I already have 7 pages of notes printed off for editing and I ain't even done writing yet.

    Indulge yourself in exhaustion and being sick and hang in there.......I am hurrying as fast as I can and I think there are a few useful bits among it all.

    Love, Lo

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  13. Ms. Fleur- Thank-you, as always!

    Magnum- It was good to get your advice and perspective and I am keeping it at the front of my mind. Bless you, honey.

    lulumarie- It has been a good day of moving slowly back towards health again. Not too much and I will sleep well tonight, I think.

    Elizabeth- That backrub was honestly a complete surprise. I had no idea he was capable of such. Ah- but now I know! He is in trouble.

    Ellen Abbott- It's so odd but that's exactly what it's felt like.

    S. Jo- I am here to tell you that overalls can be as comfy, if not more so, than pajamas! And they have such nice pockets, too. Thank-you for those sweet words.

    Rachel- I am already. I swear.

    N2- I know you are right. Although I think I had given up on that dream a long time ago, I am sure that somewhere inside of me it still lurked.

    Angella- Grief is just a booger, isn't it? It takes its own path and certainly has no schedule. I am trying very hard to let it come, let it be, let it pass.

    Syd- I think it is harder when the deaths have not yet occurred. I honestly do. YOU be gentle with yourself and remind your wife to do the same.

    Janzi- I love your words, your encouragement, your hugs from across the pond. Thank you.

    Lo- You are, as always, my teacher. I can't wait for the guilt post! Bring it on, dear one!

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  14. It has been a hard January. I'd let those ladies plunge into the pool all they want. (What a terrific image, BTW.)

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  15. I like that you wear crocs. I hope you feel better soon.

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