Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Missing


That's the wisteria and in a week or so it will be a glory, those fuzzy buds bursting into purple blossoms which will hang like clusters of grapes. Wisteria's bloom is like a child's dream of a flower. It even smells, to me, vaguely like purple Kool-Aid.

I had a hard time pulling myself out of the bed this morning. What's-the-point, what's-the-point, what's-the-point my mantra.
Well, the point is, it is daytime and thus, time to get up.
That is the point.

You want to hear something strange? In the last few days I have desperately wanted a mother. Now, not my real mother who died six weeks ago today, but a mother I could go to and say, "This is happening. I'm sad. What do I do?" A mother who would take me in her arms and say, "There, there. It'll be okay."

And what's strange about this to me, is that I haven't had a mother like that in forever (ever? did I ever?) but all of a sudden, now that the mother I DID have is gone, I want that. I want that mother. Isn't that just the silliest thing you ever heard?

I feel fairly certain that I'm not the only person who has ever felt this way.
As proof I offer this- the entire five minutes and nineteen seconds of John Lennon's heart-and-throat ripping song saying it all exactly.
I may have never had a real mother and I certainly never had a father of any kind but I had the Beatles. I had John Lennon and sometimes I think I miss him more than I miss never having had a mother or a father. Because I did have him. We all did.
Bless him. Bless him so.





Well. It sure will be nice when the wisteria blooms.

14 comments:

  1. Imagine all our arms around you, holding you close. You know how I get this. Did you see Beasts of the Southern Wild? There is a scene in there where the little girl says she can count the times she's been lifted up on one hand -- two. It's heartbreaking for us when that is missing.

    I hope the Wisteria kool-aid flowers will soothe you soon. S. Jo

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  2. Yes. Even divine mothers like yourself need mothering --

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  3. If all the commenters could RUN up all at once and group hug you, we would :)


    Though, you know, that might be quite overwhelming :)
    xx

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  4. I can only agree with what Elizabeth said, and hope the universe sends you some mothering, in some form.

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  5. It will be nice when the wisteria blooms.

    Sending a psychic hug and tell you it will all be ok. Somehow, it will.

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  6. I'd hug you if I could. Hugs are pretty magical. My daughter's been telling me a lot lately that I look like I could use a hug, and they are wonderful. It's all I can do not to cry, it's so sweet, and I'm lucky to have her. She doesn't need her mom much lately, so it's extra special.
    You're extra special too.
    xo

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  7. You have tapped into something big, Mrs. Moon. I picture you under those purple wisteria arms sent my mother earth. Let her hold you.

    And as odd as it sounds, I long for my mother frequently. I want her back the way she was when she was healthy and young. Sometimes she calls me mama when I tell her what to do.

    Sending mother to mother love to you.

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  8. I know i don't know you, but there's nothing wrong with sending a virtual, comforting hug. Right? Wisteria is one of the most beautiful flowers in the world..

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  9. One of my saddest days was reading my Mom's letters to my Father, after she died, and realizing she did not like me. I'd like to have the Mom you're missing, too.

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  10. deirdre- And that matters a lot. Thanks.

    Angella- Like a mother's. I feel them.

    S. Jo- I have not yet seen that movie but by god, I'm going to. I know I am not alone in any way. I am grateful beyond measure.

    Elizabeth- We all do. It is a basic need of all creatures who have mothers.

    Jo- I would probably fall over but then would be caught. Lovely.

    Vesuvius- Yes. It did. And at the very least, the mother inside of me cranked back up and I'm glad of that.

    Ms. Fleur- Thanks, honey.

    Mel- Hugs are wonderful, wonderful. I have gotten some good ones myself lately.

    Denise- Golly. I know what you mean. Thanks.

    Mary- Thank-you. And thank you for coming by and stopping to comment and for sending that hug. Wisteria is wonderful, isn't it?

    Anonymous- That broke my heart. I am so sorry. A good mother is the best gift and a bad one can fuck you up for life.

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  11. He was such a damn genius. The beatles would have been nothing without him.

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  12. Jenny Woolf- Hello, Jenny. Thanks so much for coming by. John was a freaking genius. But somehow I always think of the Beatles being far more together than they would add up to separately. Do you know what I mean? I still grieve John's death so very much. And George's too. I am constantly amazed that the Stones ARE STILL PLAYING and yet two of the Beatles are dead.
    Life. Who can predict this shit?

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