Thursday, March 25, 2021

Letting It Be


There's the old barn. I took the picture when I was out kicking bamboo this afternoon. That wisteria had pulled down the branch it was on and is laying on the ground. 
Well, obviously. 
I need to apologize in advance about today's post. I know I'm not in a good place to be writing. I couldn't even bring myself to answer yesterday's comments and I'm sorry but some days are just not good ones for things like that. But I will say that yes- as several of you pointed out, it was Goldilocks not Red Riding Hood I meant to cite in yesterday's post. 

It should have been a good day today and in some ways it has been. The sheets I ordered came, the old-lady orthopedic flip flops I ordered came, and some socks that I'd ordered Mr. Moon came too. 
I was almost overwhelmed. 
The sheets are indeed sateen as hell and I'm not sure we won't be slipping off of them and out of the bed but they could be the best sheets I've ever had. I was afraid to unwrap them from their plastic coverings, telling my husband that for what I paid for them, I really need to love them. 
"You can send them back if we don't like them," he said. 
"Even after we use them?"
"Of course."
"Oh yeah."
And so I did unwrap them and have washed them once and will wash them again tomorrow for official Friday Clean Sheets Day before I put them on the bed. 
My mind just isn't working right these days. Pandemic fog or depression? Anxiety or dementia? All of those things? 

Mr. Moon asked me if I'd like to go to town with him. He had an errand to run at Lowe's and wanted to go by a nursery for a few more plants and seeds. 
I did not want to go. I wanted to stay home, safe and protected from people and crowds and lights and decisions. But I knew I needed to get out of this house, out of Lloyd, to do something with my husband, to try and be normal. So I went and we stopped at the Hilltop for our lunch which did not help at all as no one there was wearing a mask but us and an even older couple and their granddaughter. We waited at one of the tables outside for our order and damn if a woman didn't play an entire fucking Youtube video on how to make pizza six feet away from us which annoyed me so much that I wanted to scream at her. People seem to have no sense of space these days, no respect for others' space. Do we all think that we are in our own Cones of Silence? If the older people and their granddaughter hadn't been waiting for their order at another table I swear I would have found a video of Stray Cat Blues by the Stones and cranked it as loud as I could. 
Ironically, I had already decided to make pizza for our supper tonight. I almost changed my mind. 

The nursery was fine and we did buy some more plants and some seeds and for a minute or two I was almost roused out of my dissociation by the thought of growing beautiful red peppers but then I went back under. We drove to the strip mall where Lowe's is and there's a Publix at the other end so I went and picked up a few things we needed there while my husband shopped for what he wanted and then I did something completely insane which was to go into Lowe's myself and buy a floor lamp for the library which I have been needing for sixteen years but have been waiting to buy because I have wanted to find THE PERFECT LAMP and fuck it- just get a damn lamp. 
Which I did. 
Let there be light, okay? Just let there be light. 

Maurice bit me again last night. She was sleeping on the pillow she likes to sleep on and I reached over to gently stroke her head. She was asleep and startled badly and bit the fire out of two of my fingers and I realized that sleeping with her is like sleeping with a war veteran with PTSD who has a gun beneath his pillow and I almost cried. I washed the wounds and put bandaids on them and damn if one of my fingers isn't infected already. I've put Neosporin on it now and will keep careful watch over it. I really will. I don't mess around with that sort of thing. 

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I read an article in the NYT's that did seem to perhaps speak to what I'm going through. It addresses the fact that there are some people for whom the opening back up of society is not an entirely happy thing. That some of us were relieved when we were given not only permission but instructions to stay at home, to isolate and that for us, the idea of going back out into public is a huge source of anxiety. I almost felt better, reading the article because it certainly resonates with me. 
There are other factors, of course, but this may be one. 

Anyway, today I tried. As I told a friend on the phone a few hours ago, I am getting up, I am showing up, I am going on. 

I am even picking flowers because not to would be a sin.


Wisteria, tung blossoms, spirea, and one of the very last Olivia camellias. 

I better go make that pizza. 

Love...Ms. Moon

34 comments:

  1. I am one of those people to whom you refer and as long as there is Virus, I will be home. Getting a grocery list together has become a major event and one I struggle with sometimes. I cannot imagine going into a store now. I hope that wound heals on its own, and you have a peaceful night.

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    1. Thank you, e. I think that for many of us, there will never really be a normal again. But was there to begin with?
      Sigh.

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  2. I hear you. As I get older I don't like big crowds of people and now I think being "on alert" for a year I'm even more reticent to mingle. And some days I'm only coping. Other days are better. Nothing lasts.

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    1. You're right. I just can't imagine being in big crowds but honestly- being in situations with just a few people whom I don't feel entirely comfortable with sounds terrible too. I never have had much tolerance for small talk and now I don't think I have any at all.

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  3. I am with you, Mary. It feels strange going out , the expectation of I am not sure what.Silence, thoughtfulness, courtesy? People are less freaked out and more cranky having been cooped up for a year. Strange behavior going on. We will adjust, i suppose, but I do like being old and staying away from crowds and noise. I am enjoying my quiet madness. having lived through the entire four years of Rump shenanigans , on edge every moment, the crazy election, and the existential covid 19 threat. The reckoning- has given us permission to be whatever we be...whenever we be it.

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    1. Yes. I think you're right. And I wonder how many people are actually not entirely happy about having to go back into society? The old normal is not going to work for many, even more than the article states. I don't know. I just do not know.

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  4. The dissociation part of your shopping trip really resonates with me because the same thing happened to me yesterday when I was shopping at Lowe's. I couldn't make any decisions, even small ones like when my husband asked if we should get another length of hose. It's just so strange and almost unnerving to be around lots of maskless strangers these days even though I tell myself that now that I'm fully vaccinated I don't need to be quite so anxious about it all. People act oddly these days too. Hell, that probably includes me and I just don't notice. Life has reached a whole new level of bizarre.

    On a happier note, your spring flower arrangement is beautiful. I hope you have a good night's sleep and wake up feeling a little better tomorrow. xx

    ps...So sorry about the bite on your hand!

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    1. And the damn thing is- you cannot just SNAP OUT OF IT! It's there, it's settled upon you (or me, at least) like a damn fog in my brain that will not clear. I hear you about those little decisions. This is why it can take me an hour to do a normal-sized grocery shopping. I've always felt that there are too many decisions to be made and now, it seems as if they have quadrupled.
      And you're right about people. It's like we don't know how to act anymore.
      I hate it. I stay home.

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  5. I wonder how Maurice will feel about slippery sheets>

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  6. I too am dreading reopening. Yes, this year has been hard and I do not wish for anyone to die, but to be able to work from home and stay home and not have to make small talk and there is no pressure to be out in the world or 8 hours of my day in an office (when SO CLEARLY I CAN DO MY WORK FROM HOME) or be in crowds is a kind of paradise.

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    1. It is, isn't it? Hasn't it been a relief in so many ways? It's odd to think that there is an entire group of us who fear being out in public the way we used to be probably more than we feared the virus.

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  7. I hear and feel your every word and thought. It IS hard to get out...... and it doesn't feel normal, when it should. Home has become a haven for most of us. Take special care of your cat bite....you know what could happen, and I trust you will move accordingly. I hope your new sateen seafoam green sheets will embrace you into a wonderful slumber
    Susan M

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    1. Nope. Does't feel normal.
      My finger feels better today and isn't nearly as red. Thank you. And the sheets are more seafoam blue than green but they are nice.

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  8. There are a lot of people for whom being instructed to stay home and isolate was a great relief. My whole mind calmed down. My dreams are fun and peaceful, no nightmares for a year, no coincidence. I want to go out without fear of the virus, but I'm happy not visiting and seeing people for more than a few minutes.

    So you're not alone, and you don't have to force yourself to act as if going out is fun.

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    1. I wonder if your dreams are also better now that Trump has left office. I think that was another stressor for many of us. A constant fear and source of anxiety.
      But yeah- a few minutes chat is great. After that...oh dear no.

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  9. Not fun. Can't say I enjoy going anyway either. Some folks are just plain annoying--like those who don't use earphones while listening to crap in the presence of others. I would have been enraged, too. Just want to sit in the sounds of silence.

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    1. Right? Like they don't have a device for that? That's what I wanted to say to that woman. WHERE ARE YOUR EARPHONES, WOMAN? We were outside. There was no need for the rest of us to have to listen to her video.

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  10. I want to live in that old barn! It's charming.
    Corinne
    Jacksonville

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    1. I think at this point you'd have to share it with some critters.

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  11. I read the NYT article. Thanks for the link. I am not at the end of the spectrum by any means but I can appreciate the thrust of this article. When "normal" life is around so many expectations are layered upon us regarding sociability and social interaction. In that sense the pandemic has been like a vacation for a lot of people with certain familiar stresses much reduced or cancelled.

    I hope that you soon emerge from your current trough of despond Mary. Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day.

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    1. Oh, you have stated it exactly right, Mr. P! So many expectations and for some of us those expectations go beyond slight annoyances or stressors. They can throw us into panic. Not having that has been a great relief.
      Today has been a little better, thank you.

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  12. American culture before the pandemic is too much, just too damn much. constantly moving, constantly doing, constantly being on call, fill every second of every day. no wonder people emitted a collective sigh of relief. I'm in no hurry to get back to it as if I was 'in' it in the first place. I wouldn't mind a meal out now and then or a movie in a theater and being fully vaccinated I'm not worried about getting the virus but still not ready to get out there among the rest of humanity. spending 4 hours at SHARE once a week is all the mingling I need right now.

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    1. I hear you. Yes, strangely, because I hardly ever went, I do feel a funny desire to go see a movie sometimes. And I will again. The idea of eating in a restaurant isn't nearly as compelling. I think I've gotten too used to my own cooking. But perhaps...
      I would imagine that four hours of your volunteer work is plenty of socialization time.

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  13. I am sorry you are having a hard time. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I don't. Peace.

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    1. Well, if words could cure...
      But sweet words can indeed help.
      Thank you.

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  14. I can't say that being in lockdown has bothered me too much - although I have missed my yoga classes. It's been nice to slow down and relax, but like everyone I'm ready for this pandemic to be over too. Hope you feel better tomorrow (and those flowers are just beautiful)!

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    1. I feel that you are a much more social person than I and that's one of the things I love about reading your blog posts. You seem to have such a different and more open outlook on experiences than I do and I respect that and it's so nice to be able to hear about it via YOU!

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  15. Remember to do what you love to do. Care for yourself and your family and I hope you will feel better.

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  16. we haven't been in a store since december other than yesterday- had to go pick up meat from the butcher. i hate being around people if i don't have to be and i spent all my bail on windows..... we are 25% vaccinated as a state and they just opened it up to anyone 16+ who wants to make the appointments- i'm 100% and tony goes in for his first dose soon.....

    take care of you. we pay someone to shop for us now and it's WORTH EVERY FUCKING PENNY of the cost!

    xxalainaxx

    xxalainaxx

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  17. Dave and I both often talk about how the re-opening of society has its positives and negatives. For me it's mostly positive, but we often think about how great it is that there's no pressure to go anywhere or do anything. No obligatory attendance at events, for example. I get it!

    It's a shame that wisteria fell, but I guess it DOES get heavy, especially when it's blooming. I'm glad you got your lamp!

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  18. My general irritability is very high. I'm so not into this whole notion of "re-opening of society," but mainly because I don't think the world was doing all that great when things were "normal." It makes me feel nearly panicky to thing of the old aspirations and desires and just plain shit going on in this country and elsewhere. Does this mean I'm depressed? I have no idea.

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  19. We have new sheets too and they are wonderful. I am just weary of trying to keep abreast of the covid stuff. I have decided that hermithood works very nicely for me. Ps this will bring a smile to your dace: so glad that I proof read this. Auto correct, in its great wisdom had corrected hermithood to hemorrhoid.

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