Tuesday, January 12, 2010

What Can I Do?

Owen is coming and it's a damn good thing. I feel like I'm barely holding my head above water and only with Owen in my arms do I feel as if I belong on this planet.

I know we all have times like that. Perhaps the trees feel that way now, like they are serving no purpose on this earth and are chastising themselves for their lack of growth, their inability to make new leaves in this cold dead-time.

I don't know.

I just know that I feel as if I barely stick my head out of the cave any more. I don't watch TV news, I barely listen to NPR's news when it's on and the newspaper doesn't seem to have a thing in it that I care about. I could easily stay in bed all day long except for the fact that I have animals to tend and the spirit of a dead grandfather who forces me up and out and into the cold day. "Life isn't supposed to be fun," he says to me. "So shut up and get up."

I know things are happening in this world. Harry Reid said the word Negro. How do I feel about that? I don't know. To my generation, that word was the more polite form of the N-word.
But I don't have the energy or feel I have the brains to really search out whether or not I think he fucked up when he said it. I mean, mostly I don't care.

And that's the problem.
I feel like I don't care.

Maybe I'm just overloaded. When it was so cold in the house, all I could think of was the homeless, the vast number of people without a warm place to sleep and that in turn made me feel so helpless. Should I go find some of those cold people? Bring them home with me? Take them soup? Some people would do that.
Some people.
Not me.
I think I feel ashamed. I have so much and here I am, whining and puling and trying to pretend I'm this or that when really, I'm just a depressed older woman who isn't doing shit to make the world a better place. People are dying of cold and war and disease and hunger all over the world and here I sit, type-type-typing, not even keeping my own house in order. I haven't even planted a pot of pansies to give myself cheer.

Winter. SAD.

But the light in the trees is amazing

and since I started writing this, Owen has arrived

and I made his mama an egg sandwich for her breakfast and I gave her some curried vegetables with chickpeas for her lunch and I have given Owen his bottle and he's taking a nap and maybe, just maybe, by the time he wakes up it'll be warm enough to bundle him up and put in the stroller and take him to the Post Office, stick my head out into the world that least tiny bit.

It's one of those days.
Just one of those days in the middle of winter, in the autumn of life but I have light to hold on to, I have love to hold on to me.

27 comments:

  1. I love the photo of Owen. What a doll!

    I totally totally understand your feelings and guilt. Maybe that will help a tad. You are not alone. You are human. And I love you so.

    Buck up little camper.

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  2. Well Ms. Moon, I have to disagree about you not doing shit to make the world a better place.

    You raised 4 beautiful children. You are a shining example of the strength of love and spirit and healing. You share your beauty with us here on your blog and inspire us to do the same. Thank you for being you.

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  3. I saw a guy drive up to a homeless man a few mornings ago. He got out of his truck, reached in and grabbed what looked like one of several Styrofoam containers, and handed it to the surprised looking panhandler, who smiled and took off into the bushes to eat his breakfast. I dunno if he was part of a group or just a dude out there helping his fellow folks, but we all do what we can.

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  4. This isn't a comment it's a love letter - I apoligize.

    I disagree too. We're all helpless, really, but we do what we can. I'm sure I can't change or fix the world, just tidy up a teeny spec of it and struggle with what more can to do. I'm sure we're both good hearted people, who strive for better. My EMTs, ER nurses, social worker friends' goodness makes me feel unworthy, unless I remember about the kids I'm raising as loved as I can, the recycling, Goodwill, composting, gardening, tree planting, animal loving and volunteering and whatnot and think, hey I'm trying, and so are you. AND look how many people you entertain with your words, at the opera house, the friendships you keep. You amaze me.

    I'm most disappointed at our President for failing to rally the country around helping one another, but maybe he's as helpless as we are in the face of such intertia. My mnotherinlaw, my polar opposite in every way, sends me Democrat and Obama bashing tripe all the time, and I used to debunk and email corrections to her FOXnews misinformation eldergeneration, but I'm just too tired to fight small mindedness. I'm finally able to ride the wave of my outrage and just hit delete. I sent her a bitter email telling her I am officially old and the world has pissed me off; I don't know who to yell at but I know I'm tired of all the yelling and I have kids to worry about and a future that scares the shit out of me. But by all means, blame Obama. It was quite an electronic tirade.
    She never answered me, but wrote to my husband Sorry you married such a liberal.
    That's when I quit caring, once I finished laughing.

    Here's why I love you so much. I am the oldest of my friends, and I bore them or scare them with my details of life a few years down the road. I haven't a mentor or older friend to shine her lantern up high and help me see what's up ahead, or someone to admit they have shitty days, or guilt about not being happier, or better somehow. And it's such a comfort, your honesty, the light you shine.

    Thank goodness there is that light through the trees too. I had it too this morning, and it made me sing, even for a few minutes. Now if I could just gather the will to take down that Christmas tree. And load the car with clothes to Goodwill that no longer fit my tall babies. And mop the paw prints and do the laundry and the dishes and the trash. Cripes, no wonder I can't feed the hungry or help the homeless, I can't get off the internet or out of my own house.

    Thank goodness you have Owen and your wonderful family to care for and love and sustain you. Hope you have the best day with that beautiful boy.

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  5. That little face! What a handsome fellow. I just want to hug him!

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  6. I heard we can't change the world, but that we can change OUR world, one small act at a time. So you might feel like you aren't doing your part to change things, but every time you come here and post-all the good, the bad, and the "meh," you are giving a part of yourself to us, and we can allow you to change us or not, but there you go-you have done good today and you don't even know it.

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  7. I understand too. There is little that I can afford to do for other people. What I do is volunteer to help animals. I feel they are ultimately more deserving anyways. And that makes me sad.

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  8. It's the cold. Saps energy, psychic and physical. Maybe you need hot chocolate for breakfast.

    Thank goodness for Owen and his physical promise of spring and life.

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  9. Yes, the USA is SituationNormalAllFuckedUp and there is a lot of that in other countries, but, I am here to report, that the old ways still exist in small villages here and there and that gives me hope.

    Every small thing you do to give back to your local and virtual community does help. And you are putting your own honest truth on the virtual airwaves, that counts, and taking care of the sweet button-faced Owen, that counts, and feeding his Mama, that counts... Keep counting and being counted on, that's about all we can do.
    Bisous,
    N2

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  10. sigh.
    I get it about winter. this is the first year it's left me in a funk. i'm not fond of it but I keep reminding myself that spring is coming...someday ;)

    babies do wonders for the soul, don't they? I spend my weekdays with one and he brings me so many smiles.

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  11. Oh Ms Moon, I'm so glad you are here writing. I know I am in a bad place when I can't even summon up the energy to comment on your lovely posts that feed me, like eggsalad and curried vegetables.
    Thank you for coming here even when you're feeling lousy.
    THAT is something special and helpful and healing.
    I'm still here reading.

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  12. ah ms moon...dont be ashamed...its world pain you have...feeling bad for the homeless..and all....its with me when someone say he or her has no money or can afford this or that..it kills me ..it makes me teary eyed...but we cant safe them all from harm...we just can make a better place for the people who are close to our hearts...by helping them..saving them...we allready do something to make this crazy life..this crazy world...last for at least another day...

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  13. I'm not going to convince you otherwise. All things change. You'll feel better, maybe even buoyant, soon. As for Harry Reid, Negroes, current events, chemicals, jihadists, etc., frankly, I don't give a damn. Now the homeless, I think it's right to feel horror, actually. And I'm sure you could figure out one tiny thing to do regarding that.

    You're a good, good person, Ms. Moon.

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  14. Ms. Bastard- He IS my lifeline. I know we all have days like this. Wish we didn't.

    Stephanie- Well, thank-you, but you know- today is one of those days when I just feel like a big ol' fake. You know? Crap.

    Mel- You made me cry. And I needed to do that, too. So thank-you. For everything.

    Lois- I hug him SO much.

    Kori- Doesn't feel like that. Feels like wah-wah-wah, but old baby. But thank-you. Thank-you.

    Ms. Dish- Yes. They are far more innocent than we.

    Kathleen- Let me rush to assure you that chocolate ANYTHING is the very last thing I need. But you're right. This cold has taken a lot out of all of us.

    N2- Thanks for reminding me.

    Lesbo- Babies are there when nothing else will do. I am so grateful I have one to hug and love and take care of.

    Bethany- I was worrying about you. Are you okay?

    Danielle- You have such a good heart. Thank-you.

    Elizabeth- There reaches a point, doesn't there, when we just can't take in one more horrible thing? I think perhaps there was far less depression when the only news we heard about came from our village or the one next to us.

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  15. I'm okay MM. Thanks for thinking of me.

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  16. Mama- I was just talking to a cashier today at the old New Leaf about sadness. I asked him how he was doing and he said, "Pretty good, actually. Today I am happy." I congratulated him for acknowledging that, and he started talking about how so many people think you should be happy, that happiness should be your base emotion and that sadness is an imbalance, but that's just not true. "I think we're supposed to feel ALL the emotions" I said. It was a pretty nice talk.
    I think you're pretty balanced. You get sad, but you aren't ever mean. And you have more love in your heart than anyone I know. Maybe this is a justification because I get sad in winter, but I think we're predisposed as animals to get sad when it is cold and things die. You make people happy, even when you are not.
    I love you so much. Maybe loving you is my base emotion.
    love,
    May

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  17. The whole time we waited for Z's heart appointment, all I could feel was guilt and anxiety. I would think of the mothers in Dafur and Chad watching their children die. Die of the "simple things" and I wasn't doing anything about it. Nothing. Just feeling sorry for them and lucky for us that we are not there. So, there. There is one of my many confessions. You are in session, right?

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  18. Great picture of Owen and Lily!

    Feel better Ms Moon. If you want, bring the O'man over to hang out with us... Gman would love it! It sounds like maybe a viewing of Groundhog day may be in order?? That always makes me smile and gasp and not be so entrenched in my own predicament.

    Weird things going on here too... I'll call ya.

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  19. PS... What I meant to say was you and Owen come on over anytime you feel like it. (It sounded like I was saying bring Owen by and take off!) Sometimes a change of routine or scenery is a good thing.

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  20. We all feel overwhelmed with how much we CANT do sometimes or how much we just don't want to do for others.

    I mean--I pass about a dozen beggars just in the three blocks I have from the train to work. Hell, I step over homeless people sleeping on the steps every.single.day. I see the reality, and you have to choose sometimes to help. If you want to do something about it, or feel like you should--well, do it. You don't have to do anything grand, you can knit scarves for homeless shelters or something. God knows that would be needed around here.

    Anyway--just thoughts.

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  21. You sure do your part in helping my world. Without you I would not be leading a life that I enjoy nearly as much as I do now. Can you imagine if I had to take Owen to a stranger's house 3 times a week or a daycare. I wouldn't know if he was being changed, or fed, or loved as much as he needed it. Not to mention the fact that I would have to pay a lot of money to do it. I love you so much. Thanks for all the egg sandwiches, healthy lunches and most of all being the best gramamma around!

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  22. Bethany- Okay. Report in soon.

    May- I am going to remember that. And what you said about loving me? Well. Sadness may be my base emotion and I imagine it is but underneath that base, the very rock of my existence, is my love for you children. There is no doubt in mind of that and to read those words of yours- well. I am overly and abundantly blessed.
    I love you so much.

    Ms. Trouble- We're always in session here at Bless Our Hearts. I know what you mean. I think we all suffer a bit from survivor guilt simply by being who and what we are which is, after all, fairly well wealthy and lucky compared to so much of the world. But I want to tell you that I am SO glad your little girl is fine. So glad. And don't you feel guilty. Just joyful.

    Ms. Fleur- I do appreciate you so.

    SJ- That is an excellent idea- the scarf knitting! Thank-you for it! It must be so hard to pass by and over people sleeping in the street. So hard. I'm sorry that's part of your every-day routine.

    Lily- Well. That just made it all okay. I love taking care of Owen (and his mama sometimes) so much that I can't even tell you. I just think about that boy and how lucky I am to be a part of his life and I cry. I literally cry. He has nestled in my arms and heart as if he was always meant to do so. Thank-you for bringing him into this world so well and so beautifully and for being such an amazing mother. And for marrying such an amazing daddy-man, too.
    Oh, Lily. I love you!

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  23. You're welcome. And I just know there's always demand for socks, hands, gloves and scarves so I can't take credit for the idea. I have gotten a stack together of my old coats, etc to take to the shelters this weekend.

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  24. Ms. Moon - I'm glad you have Owen and your sweet children to lighten your heart and warm your winters.

    My word verification is
    elate!

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  25. Ms. Moon, the sadness gets in all the cracks in winter. At least we have the babies to keep us going. Mine is sitting reading the free publicity newspaper that came in the door because the "no publicity" sticker has faded and she's singing "oh quack quack quack" which is enough reason to stay out of bed for me today. As Owen is yours, I'm sure.

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  26. You feed people with your words, your spirit, and your egg sandwiches. Thank you.

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  27. That light and those trees are amazing! And little Owen is the cutest thing ever.

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.