Thursday, January 21, 2010

It Builds Up


What a strange day. I got up this morning and it was pouring rain and dark as night and lightening and thundering and my chickens did not want to get out of bed.
I wrote a post about how how the weather was reflecting perfectly the weather in my heart, all crazy and dark and shot through with something like lightening, electric and mean because I'd not been sweet to my husband the night before and tiny resentments had built up like electricity and then shot through the kitchen while he stood and looked at me in powerless bewilderment.

This is how I do it and it's so wrong. If I have something I need to talk about, I should do that- talk about it. But no, I wait until it has to come out in evil little blades of hurt. I don't intend to do this. I never do. But it happens. It happens. And then I feel terrible and wish I could snatch all of it back, pour it back into my throat or maybe rush it outside to be swept away.

But anyway, I posted it and then I thought better of it and took it down and went to town through the pouring rain because Lily and I were going to switch off taking care of Owen while we got our hair trimmed but the hair friend called Lily and said, "Not today."
So we watched a movie and played with the baby and I did talk to Mr. Moon and it's all right. It is all all right and I swear, I will do better next time when I have something I need to talk about. I swear, I will.

I took care of Owen for a little while in-between when his mama had to be at work and before his daddy got home. I fed him and he fell asleep in my arms and if that's not the sweetest gift, I don't know what is. Well, that and the love that has been made manifest in him.
He's doing this new thing. I called it a seagull cry the other day but Lily pointed out that he sounds more like a dolphin. We think he does it when he wants someone to pay attention to him. He did it today when we went down the street from Lily's for sushi and he was looking at a guy way across the restaurant who was obviously not noticing the world-bending cuteness which is Owen. So he shrieked his call and the guy looked up from his lunch and Owen smiled at him. So you see- it works, this call. We think we may have to call him Flipper.

When I drove home the back way, there were "Road Closed" signs but of course, I didn't think that meant for ME. No, not me. And I made it through but the water was fairly deep in some places. I didn't float off. I remember thirty years ago when the road I live on now was a dirt road and after flooding rains it turned into a river. It's better these days but it still floods on very rainy days.

I got home and went out to check on the chickens and sure enough, Betty, who had been in the coop with Sam all day has a new hole in her neck. I thought she was dead, lying next to the wall on the ground, but she wasn't. Just hurt. And that hurt me so. But what can I do? When I left it was storming horribly and I couldn't put her out. That rooster is going to be chicken and dumplings by the end of this weekend and I am not kidding you. I eat chicken. Sam is no more sentient than any chicken I buy at the store. And that is that. He is doing me no good and he is hurting my hens. Some of them have bare backs now, no feathers at all where his talons hold them as he fucks them. This may be the rooster's way but I don't have to put up with it and neither should my hens. Plus, he has rushed me several times and shows no fear of me at all. My sweet little hand-fed rooster has become mean and I won't have it, especially with Owen around. Mr. Moon says he can kill him. We'll see. I know I can't, but then I'm not a hunter. I'm spoiled. I don't have to kill to eat meat. If I did, I doubt I'd eat it.

The rain has stopped but it's gloomy and gray and there is mist rising off the warming ground. The lightening has gone both in the sky and in my heart and there, too, it's gray.
The road in front of my house is better and the way I deal with things is better too but certainly not perfect. I still forget how to use my words and when my emotions flood, I let loose and I destroy the peace here in this home and I don't need to do that. I am not a force of nature. I am merely a woman who, if she has any mental health at all, can thank one man's steadfast love for so many years.

A man she hurt and wished she hadn't.

I will do better. The flood waters will recede and the sun will come out and hopefully, Betty's head will heal. Owen will keep growing and learning new things.
But still, I feel ashamed.

I know that every love affair goes through this and so much worse. But in my case- it doesn't need to. And just when I congratulate myself on not needing the drama, I let things build up, I hold them in until the electricity is too charged to do anything but spark and fly.

And that's where I've been today. A strange day. I will be glad when it's over and I can begin again.

30 comments:

  1. Yes, tomorrow we begin again.

    I'm glad you're getting rid of Sam--even if you don't eat him, just give him away, do something. Forget it, it doesn't have to be that way with the hens.

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  2. Sorry you're having a bad day... and I'm really sorry bout Betty and the rest of the girls...

    Call me if you want. I'm here and marc's out of town, so I can really talk and give you my undivided attention... if you want it.
    xoxo pf ps, the chicken and stars was a HUGE hit! Thanks again for that.

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  3. Oh Mama! I hope what I said yesterday on the phone didn't feed into anything with Daddy! I was just being a selfish little B. I thought about that later and felt bad.
    And I do think you should eat Sam. I'd eat 'im, if I ate poultry. He is just so mean. If you can't eat him, maybe you could just drive way out into the country and push him out of the car. Then he can be a free chicken, and his fate is up to him.
    I love you so much.

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  4. Blame it all on the power of the sky! That electricity hit and all hell let loose!.....Roosters....yep, we had one and he too was so sweet as a baby chick...we called him Ducky because he was yellow like a little duck when we got him. We didn't want a rooster but someone messed up at the feed store. Ducky grow up and was ugly and mean to our girls. We kept hoping something would happen to him over the years and finally it did. I never felt bad when the coyote got him...I was only very sad when one of the other hens was taken as well...I like what May said about driving him out into the country and pushing him out of the car! Of course we couldn't get near ours...don't know about your.

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  5. I hate it when I explode with Mr. Jill -- just makes things miserable and then you feel horrible. He loves all of you though I'm sure, accepting the crap with the good.

    And yes, I think Sam must go. You know how I worry about Miss Betty:) Eat him or give him away.

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  6. SJ- No shit!

    Ms. Fleur- I had a rehearsal that ran late so...
    But perhaps tomorrow we will talk. I am glad that Harley liked the chicken and stars.

    May- Oh. You had nothing to do with it. It was all me. All me. Believe me. And it's all okay. Maybe better. So there. And yes, Sam. I think I would rather eat him than unleash him upon the world. He might kill someone's toy poodle by trying to fuck it.

    Ellen- Mr. Moon is thinking of using a fishing net to capture him in. He is...doomed. Although he doesn't know it yet. Haha! (I'm so mean- see?)

    Jill- I am glad to hear I am not the only one who does this. I will tolerate no more cruelty to Miss Betty whom we all adore. Or at least I do.

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  7. Ack. Oh you know I am much too sensitive about animals. I couldn't comment at first. Told myself to just step away, but you are always so wonderful about accepting whatever we say, so I think it will be alright to say, please please please do not go dump him on the side of the road somewhere. I think you are all just joking about that. I hope. That would be cruel. Eating him I could not do myself if I'd raised him as a pet, but I do understand that better. And no unnecessary suffering, just the quick chop. Unlike him scared and confused and wandering and tortured in the woods, wondering where are my hens, where is my cozy bed, where are my grapes? I think that would actually be illegal too, here anyway I think it is.
    I worry about Miss Betty though and hope you can just rehome him.
    I am trying to figure out a way for me to avoid reading the post where any of the things I can't bear happen.

    But this is life, I suppose and I have to risk it to read all the other wonderfulness.

    And really that's not what your post was about, I just got myself all worked up. I'm sorry.
    I'm glad you were able to just get away and rethink. I hope you will go easy on yourself. We all do that, especially when we've been damaged as children. Sometimes it's just too scary to say what we really feel.

    Hang in there.
    And yes of course you can grow Lizzies too!

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  8. Oh, I think we were posting at the same time. Just read your response to may, LOL at Sam boinking the toy poodle.

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  9. Bethany- You are so sweet. And no, I am not going to dump Sam in the woods. And no, if I had to kill him myself I would not do it. And if I had to kill to eat meat, I would be a vegetarian. Even Mr. Moon, the hunter, is having a hard time with this- he is trying to figure out the best way to deal with the Death of Sam. Really. And no one wants a rooster. I can't give him away. I know that. So what to do? Well...like I said- I eat chicken and really, this would be the healthiest chicken I've ever eaten, I am sure.
    And if you saw what he is doing to the hens...
    Well. I'll try to warn you with a title so you won't have to read about the death and eating of Sam the Rooster.
    And you can say anything you want. As you know.

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  10. Better days ahead to you and Mr. Moon, dear Ms. Moon.

    Sending love and forbearance.

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  11. I love you. Thanks for understanding me and not making fun.
    Good luck with it all. It can't be easy. But if you can't find a home for him, well it seems like the right/only thing.
    I know Mr Moon will do it right and as kindly as possible.
    I do fret about Miss Betty a lot and would rather read about Sam making a nice stew than Betty dead from his cruelty.
    Ah life.

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  12. Perhaps Sam soup would be less dramatic than, you know, leg of Sam? I mean for Mr. Moon. You know, since he's having a hard tima and all.

    Maybe if he looks at Sam like in the old days when the farmers would have a mad dog or a rabid animal and have to kill it for the safety of well... everyone else...

    I just feel so bad that it's come to this. I was so hoping he'd mellow. Do they make salt peter for birds? :-) Good luck ya'll. I mean it!
    xo

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  13. Ms. Moon, I'm so sorry to read Betty is injured again. I know it's nature but it all seems so cruel; to be locked up with your attacker. I would be making the same decision about Sam even though I couldn't do it myself either. But ultimately, the health of the entire coop is at risk.

    Why is it we always hurt the one we love the most? I suppose we figure it's safe since they love us but it certainly doesn't make sense though. Last Sunday A and I had a day where we were just "peckish" with each other all day. Who knows where it came from but that night we apologized and had a good laugh and moved on. Some days it's the best we can do.

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  14. I know about the lashing out. And it's horrible. But then you apologise and treat the other with more respect and you move on. What else can you do?

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  15. Ah yes. I know just what you mean. But the best thing is to see why you do it and feel some compassion for that and be kind to yourself about it. It's much more effective than beating yourself up.

    So recognise the shame feelings and let them.... dribble away.

    And let Mr M kill the rooster... sooner rather than later!

    My mother did the chicken killing in our house, because my father couldn't. Even though he used to go shooting. Strange one.

    My mother could have been a pioneer lady.

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  16. He might kill someone's toy poodle by trying to fuck it.
    ....ahhahahahahhah..i m so sorry you have a bad day but i worked on an article since 6 this morning and you just made me laugh with that image of the pooodling sam...:-)

    i hope you feel better soon...and yeah..get rid of sam..we love sakm but we love the hens too

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  17. we all lash out sometimes. but our men love us and understand.

    Sam n' Dumplings sounds like a good Sunday dinner.
    I've heard that roosters can get super aggressive with humans and can inflict a lot of injury. Be careful!

    May is so funny... driving Sam out into the country and pushing him out of the car. that made me laugh

    wv: freadm--that's what we're needin these days, huh?

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  18. Mr. Moon has no doubt forgiven you. Your love for each other sounds pretty solid. And real.

    I don't know how you deal with all that chicken drama on top of life stuff. But I'm sure you will do the right thing.

    have a beautiful beautiful day... because you are, because life is.

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  19. Really good post, what with the lightning picture, the emotional and weather storm, the peckishness of rooster and human hens. Such a dense fabric today. Thanks for putting it out here for us.

    Glad the storm has abated. Try a little tea tree oil on Miss Betty to promote healing. Hopefully Sam will get some on his beak and that will discourage him. If he can't stop being a bully, he deserves what he gets.

    x0 N2

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  20. I always held things in and exploded too. You will do better. You'll be just fine, and I love you. We do the best we can at the time.

    It's gray here again in Buttfuck, Ohio, and it's a shitty Friday. I haven't seen the sun in over 10 days. I am going nuts.

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  21. I am pondering your lightening and storm analogy; we're all holder-inners and exploders too, but I've always thought of the outbursts as volcanic eruptions, instead of a nice steady lava flow to let off pressure, we hold it in until POW. And we bite the heads off the ones we love, who are clueless to our inner pain or turmoil. I'm trying to ooze more and erupt less, and now I'll be watching for static electricity too.

    I know all about the guilt and shame that comes after, it's worse than the being a bitch part, and it feeds into the whole negative self image thing that feeds the depression because I figure I'm too smart to be this dumb when it comes to figuring myself out, and trying to maintain healthy relationships with the people I love. We care, we try to be better, what else can we do?
    My sister's therapist said we are shaped by the hurts of our childhoods and we sometimes get emotionally stuck in our adolescence, and that it is very hard work to let go of the baggage and live in the present, and it takes a lot of work and practice to develop healthy coping skills. I often think of this after I've blown my top, wondering what to do next time. But enough of that...

    Damn rooster. They are mean, its the alpha male genetic madness, too bad you can't neuter a rooster, like you can a horse. I won't go near a male that's not gelded, they're mean. Same with dogs. Those poor lil hens, being abused like that. You'll figure it out, and find a way to sidestep nature's cruelty, even if it takes chicken and dumplings to do it!

    Hope the storms pass and you have a better day. I loved the Flipper story, Owen already has personality and charm to spare.

    Its horrible here weather wise too, the filthy piles of snow are frozen over with crusty rain and it's damn hard trying not to fall down everywhere you go. I officially hate winter again.

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  22. I though immediately about the scene in Cold Mountain. Where the Renee Zellweger character snaps the mean rooster’s neck and they cook him up. (cuz it’s the Civil War and they are starving).

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  23. Sam and dumplings.
    Fried Sam.
    Sam livers.
    Curried Sam.
    Sam salad.
    Sam soup, for when you have a cold.
    Sam nuggets.
    Roast Sam.
    Buffalo Sam.
    Sam pot pie.
    Arroz con Sam
    Beer can Sam.

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  24. DTG- Sambell's chicken soup
    Samson's Frozen fried chicken dinner
    Sam'n'Beans
    Sam-A-Roni
    Stovetop Sam
    Fried Chicken Samwich

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  25. yes. beware the rooster. we once had a lovely congenial happy hen house. one bad rooster can certainly spoil the sanity of others.

    we were young and full of hope. gathered every colourful bandanna we could get our hands on. (no shortage in such accoutrements in those days) and...well tied them smartly to each and every hen. triangle across their backs, tied gently underneath the wings with a polite knot around their tummies. (do chickens have tummies?)

    the rooster? miffed. the hens? adorable! all those brightly coloured madras prints like so many beatrice potter matronly aproned
    barnyard characters.

    cute while it lasted.
    when the fabric gave way the rooster finally and forever became soup.
    amen.

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  26. Sorry about Sam, if you can't bear to eat him yourself, perhaps you could donate the meat to a charity.
    I had to take Lucy back to the shelter where I found her, as she was getting too aggressive. Losing a pet sucks...

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  27. My one year old neice fell asleep on my chest the other day. Save the house burning down, there was no way I was moving to spoil those brilliant precious moments...

    Fat Lad

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  28. Yup, your day sounds like my Thursday. I'm really behind, but catching up a little at a time. I miss reading you oh so much.

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  29. Rebecca- Ha! What a priceless picture!

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  30. i just knew you would enjoy my long ago delight of a barnyard filled with brightly "aproned" hens.

    i am all smiles right now.

    you are a gem.
    an everyday gem in the fabric of my life.

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