Friday, January 8, 2010

Pondering and Yearning


Well, the weather has changed. It's not quite as cold but now it's wet and gray and going to get colder again tonight. Dammit! This just sucks. I'm sorry to be a whiner but I am.

I just got back from yoga and my class is going to be canceled for awhile because my teacher is about to get her fourth back surgery in three years. I need to stop going to that class anyway. I go because it's within a few minutes of my house and easy to get there and back instead of having to drive all the way to Tallahassee and because it does help me in so many ways but there is much about the class to be desired. I certainly don't reach any damn states of ecstasy or even get close to inner peace for various reasons. One- I'm not enlightened. Two- The class is held in my teacher's house and her husband is usually there, either on the phone in the next room doing conference calls for his work with a World Leader In Computers or else slipping into the kitchen to get another diet ginger ale out of the refrigerator and very, very often when my teacher says, "Bring your awareness back to the room," she is wasting her breath if you know what I mean.

Quite frankly, I usually leave the class feeling more frustrated and agitato then when I got there. My teacher is as different from me as a human woman could be although I do respect her on many levels. She is a very believing Catholic and she also believes in Western medicine with a vengeance although I am not sure why- it doesn't seemed to have cured any of the myriad of problems she seems to suffer from and often makes them worse. Case in point- her back. She is about to go get things fused in there and then will have to wear a brace for three months. But she will not even consider just resting her back or trying acupuncture or anything other than what the surgeon recommends.
So I either say things I shouldn't or shut my mouth which takes more energy than I need to expend these days on such ridiculous matters. It's her body- why should I care?
I don't know. Because I am Miss Fussy Know-It-All, that's why, if you want to know the truth.

Ah well and la-di-dah.

But at least my body is stretched and that felt good. In fact, it felt wonderful for a moment or two and that is worth a lot.

It's Friday. I remember back to the old days when Mr. Moon and I used to go out every Friday night. It was written in stone and we'd dress up for each other and go out and have drinks and maybe go dance and have supper and meet up with friends or just be alone and we'd be Mr. and Ms. Moon, not parents, just us. It was glorious.
We've gotten lazy though and old and now Friday's are just like other day except that we often have a martini and know we can sleep in the next morning unless Mr. Moon is going hunting but that doesn't affect me.

I miss those days when we really fixed up for each other and looked into each other's eyes and remembered what we were doing all that hard work for and relaxed into each other's arms and for a few hours were as wild and crazy as we needed to be, and then went home to be Mama and Daddy and wash up the dishes the kids had left from their Friday night ritual of pizza and movies, buzzed and happy and ready to start it all over again, real life.

That picture above is from one of those Friday nights and it had to be around 1996. A friend of ours at the bar took the picture and e-mailed it to me. It was probably the first picture I got on the internet, sent directly to me. Times have changed, babies. Times have changed.

Some for the better for sure. Some not so.
And that's what I'm thinking about today. How I used to wash my hair on Friday mornings and braid it so that it would be curly for the night and I'd wear it down and put on make-up and I remember one time I was standing there in the bar and a guy walked in and he just stood there, his mouth agape and looked at me and said, "You are so beautiful."

I suppose I was but I just laughed.

Owen's coming soon and I want to get a curry thing in the crockpot and it's so cold and gray. It's Friday. I am stretched but when I get up from sitting, it takes me a few seconds to get everything working again. I am like Pearl who can't count on her joints and muscles and tendons either and who stands with her head under things, sometimes even the power cord of this laptop if she wants to be close to me while I'm writing.

I suppose I am yearning. I love that word. I am yearning for those Friday nights when I felt beautiful and didn't really trust my feelings. I am yearning for those evenings when Mr. Moon and I would meet up with friends and laugh and dance and make-out in broom closets and alleyways. I am yearning for youth, I suppose, and I am yearning for a sense of inner peace, too, which I thought I might achieve when I was older but that I am obviously not pursuing properly but taking the easy way out and acting as if I am, when truthfully, I know I am not. How can I say anything to anyone about their choices when mine are so often deeply flawed and I know it?

Well, as Jimmy Buffett said, human beings are flawed individuals and there is a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning and I know that on a few, at least, of those Friday nights, I achieved something like enlightenment, being merely me, Mary Moon, dancing under the stars with the man I loved. Whom I still love and danced under the stars with just last weekend.

Stuff to ponder, another word I love right up there with yearning. We ponder, we yearn, we choose our paths, we lose our focus, we stumble on, our joints eventually remembering their purpose, our muscles still strong enough to take us down the paths we choose. We may not dance so much but we can lie together under the covers on a cold night, touching just this much skin, or maybe not even that, but knowing that the person we love is right there next to us and in that we take comfort, we ponder our great fortune, we may yearn still, in our dreams, we travel as lightly as we can, holding each other as tightly as we can, all of us.

Yes, you. You too.

Happy Friday.

Love...Ms. Moon

33 comments:

  1. I know those Friday nights made us a happier family.

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  2. Yearning is such a beautiful word, and I get it -- your yearning. But I have to disagree that it's only about yearning for youth or at least "youth" is all relative, right? I yearn almost daily for a different youth and I'm a bit younger than you. Anyway, your words are so beautiful and you're so beautiful. You're luminous -- not just in your words and your heart but literally your physical self, that self we all see in photos. Really.

    As for the yoga teacher -- my first thought was WTF? Back surgery in a yoga teacher? That's just wrong. You deserve better. (My mother had fusion surgery and it didn't work and she's literally never been the same).

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  3. That's funny, I was just talking today about how excited I am that Steve and I are going out tonight! Fridays have been our night out for a really long time-most of the time we have been together, give or take a few odd nights. but with the holidays and family stuff and LIFE, we haven't done it, and I need to just be me. Not mom, not employee, not chauffer/cook/laundress/shitty housekeeper, but lover and best friend and woman. And we don't dance, but when I look at him? I feel like I am.

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  4. How cute are you two! We go out, still. Maybe once a month, to dinner. I dress up a little, put on a little makeup, throw a nice shawl over, maybe one of the silk ones, with peacocks. My husband says, "you don't have to primp." And I say, "Oh but I do. I do."

    It makes a difference in how I feel the rest of the week.

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  5. Just beautiful. You and Mr. Moon, the words, the thoughts. I like the way you wind round your stories, starting on a backroad and ending up on the front porch.

    And the front porch you is right, as usual.

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  6. I was just thinking this morning about you and daddy and how great your Friday night dates were for all of us. I personally loved watching you get ready, and then you both looked so nice and smelled so good before you gave us angel kisses goodbye. Plus, I always loved watching our tv shows and getting pizza on those nights that you two left us.
    I hope you both take the effort to do it again soon. And that you can find a better yoga class to go to.

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  7. I was just thinking this morning about you and daddy and how great your Friday night dates were for all of us. I personally loved watching you get ready, and then you both looked so nice and smelled so good before you gave us angel kisses goodbye. Plus, I always loved watching our tv shows and getting pizza on those nights that you two left us.
    I hope you both take the effort to do it again soon. And that you can find a better yoga class to go to.

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  8. It's true, I think those date nights were as good for us kids as they were for you two. We got to be free kids and you got to be free adults, and sometimes when you came home you would be in such a good mood you'd play records and we would dance. It was great.
    I think it's really good for kids to see their parents in love, it helps us to realize that you are your own people with your own lives above and beyond us. And we can see how good it can be.
    I just love you guys.

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  9. What they said.
    stay warm, and for some reason I'm singing Van Morrison's Moondance now.
    And that's a beautiful thing.

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  10. ah..so why dont you reanimate the date night...its never too late for a friday night date..exept he calls you later then wednesday...lol

    but seriously..date nights are a very good tradition..so..get back on that:-)

    plus..i wish you d know my pilates and yoga teacher..she is like a freaking soldier with eastern accent..the room smells good..its all set up nice..and then she screams : santiago!you dont breath into your powerhouse!!!!

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  11. My parents went out every Friday night, to a Mexican place called Cantina. EVERY. FRIDAY. NIGHT.

    My life as a parent is different than the one my mom had. With four kids, no family in sight, and no money, our Friday nights are here, with movies and homemade pizza, and kids. Usually I am baking a cake for a client, and my husband falls asleep on the couch. Part of my loves this...and part of me hates it.

    I seem to be always yearning for a life I have yet to have. I do yearn for my youth...to have no kids, no money woes, bed and breakfasts with my husband, date night...hell, date morning! But mostly, I yearn for what has yet to happen...what I hope to be.

    I feel selfish and ungrateful even ungrateful admitting this, but yes...I yearn for more.

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  12. Ah, I also yearn for an occasional Friday night out. But with 2 kids at home and no babysitter, and exhaustion and living in a town with only bars for entertainment...well you get the idea. It's all just a big hassle.

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  14. Aw jeeeze, Ms. Moon, me too, me too. I'm yearning myself into bits, wondering where my inner peace is hiding and where the decade went and how can we manage to hold on to ourselves and each other as we just keep getting older and older....
    Thanks for a lovely post pondering outloud, saying the things I'm thinking too. And thanks for the lovely picture of love that keeps on shining. What a cute couple. Time for another date night!
    Happy Friday to you too.

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  15. Wow! That is a familiar sight! Where you at the Moose? I can't believe it's turned into a frat bar. sheesh! Mooses can so fickle.

    Good post Ms Moon. Thanks for the flashback too!
    xo

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  16. I remember those Friday nights! I came to sleepover with Jessie and we would say goodbye to you and Mr. Moon and then we would so silly things, like record ourselves on the answering machine (it sounded awful!), and play music in the stairwell. Those were fun nights.

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  17. You have brought tears to my eyes Ms. Moon.

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  18. Ah yearnings and ponderings...what would life be without them? I see them as keeping track of the passing of time. You are not yearning for youth from what I can see, you are yearning for a time when life was different, time moved slowly and maybe they weren't "the good old times", but they were your time, yours and Mr. Moon and then life happened, and your time had to be shared a bit more and the horizons changed and the road is no longer the same but we don't notice that until we are walking in some other road and wondering how did we get here.

    Go out on Fridays, write it on a new stone. Maybe not all Fridays but every other Friday. Braid your hair again and put on a smile equal to a thousand candles. You are beautiful, and tell me, what could we really yearn for if we finally find that much touted inner peace, and what does it mean? We will never fret again about anything? We will stop fighting the ghost whether we won or not? what is really inner peace if not finding the one you love sleeping next to you on a cold night? Call me Ishmael but I believe we experience inner peace many times but fail to recognize it. I know I have. I think we love the idea of a permanent state of Nirvana but people like you and me would be bored to tears without any dragons to slay. Just saying...

    And about that yoga class, get out of there fast. Or you may end with a bad back. Love you darling, have a great Friday and kiss Owen for me.

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  19. You two look like practically college kids in that picture. We don't get out much so we don't spend $$ but maybe a few times a year. Now that the kids can stay by themselves they love it too. Sometimes on Fri nights at home (like maybe tonight!) I banish them to the basement so we can watch an R rated movie on the couch.
    I loved your post. Yearn and learn is living!

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  20. Steph- I'm glad. I heart you too.

    DTG- They did, didn't they?

    Elizabeth- Thank-you. Yes, I think yearning, by definition, is sort of unfocused. It's not desire, it's...yearning.
    As to my yoga teacher- I think she has issues and surgery seems to be something she believes in for reasons I can't fathom.

    Kori- Yes!

    Glimmer- It does, doesn't it?

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  21. You were beautiful, you ARE beautiful, and your writing...oh, lady, your writing.

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  22. @ laura

    your coment ha stouched me..and made me a bit sad..i..just wanna say it touched me somehow...

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  23. You two were beautiful then and you're beautiful now.

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  24. oh, the two of you are so beautiful.
    I love the kids' (and friend!) rememberings added here too in the comments. How sweet.
    I know what you mean, pondering and yearning.
    Oh yes.
    It's scary traveling without someone to hold, but scary traveling with too, I think.

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  25. For some reason, this made me cry

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  26. Me too SJ, that's why I couldn't comment earlier. I was too worked up.

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  27. Bethany--glad i wasn't the only one.

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  28. I yearn, too, for those experiences and times you mentioned and various other things. I know.

    Love that photo of you and Mr. Moon. You both look radiant.

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  29. Dang, Ms. Moon! What a HOT couple!!!

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  30. HoneyLuna- I did get the feeling that you children were pretty happy when we left. That made me feel good. It was always fun to go pick out a movie and actually, the getting-ready part, all of it, was the best part of those Friday nights. Indeed.
    Angel kisses...
    Come home and I'll put on my lipstick and give you some.

    May- I am so glad. Isn't it funny how doing something for yourself can be good for the ones you love? Mmmm...
    Maybe that's the damn secret to everything. I don't know.
    I love you, darling.

    Deb- One of my very favorite songs.

    Danielle- I think a yoga teacher somewhere between mine and yours would be the perfect one. "Powerhouse?" Ha! Breathe into it, Danielle! Whatever and wherever it is!

    Laura- We can all yearn. There is nothing wrong with that. Yearning is perhaps the beginning of dreaming, which is how things come about, how they happen.

    Rachel- I hear you.

    Mel- We still go out sometimes. And our time in Cozumel last summer was one big glorious date. Ah yes.

    Ms. Fleur- Yep! Bullwinkle's it was. Good times.

    Melissa- Yes, you were part of those Friday nights. I'm glad you remember them.

    Lisa- Then you know what I'm talking about.

    Allegra- You put your fingers on the keyboard and truth is written. I know- we can no more "create" inner peace than we can "create" quality time. I had perfect moments with Owen yesterday, cooking with him in my arms and listening to Lis and dancing around the kitchen inbetween stringing the green beans, the dogs at our feet. You can't plan those moments but when you have them, you can stop and whisper to yourself, "This. This is it."
    I love you.

    Michele R- Good to banish those kids now and then! Yes! And yearning and learning are what make us human.

    Ginger- Thank-you for saying that.

    Michelle- Sometimes we are. I think.

    Bethany- I know. Even with. I can't imagine doing it alone.

    SJ- I'm sorry? Bethany too?

    Joy- Well, we were probably a bit lit, at least.

    Angie- We were cute.

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  31. Don't be sorry--just my own pondering and yearning issues coming out, nothing to do with this post in particular. I will keep my crying comments to myself :) As I'm sure it's nothing but depressing...

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Tell me, sweeties. Tell me what you think.