Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This Is Not The Kind Of Attention I Crave

Pussy? Me?
Not just about the cold.
No, I am a pussy about so many things that it's pathetic.

I have a 9:40 appointment this morning at the dermatologist. Just an annual scan. You know- where the doctor goes over your entire body from your scalp to your toes looking for signs of skin cancer. And it's a miracle I haven't had any thus far- I've spent my life in the Florida sun and when I was a kid, there was nothing but Copper Tone, Sea'n' Ski and zinc oxide which I now hear is the standard of choice for preventing skin cancer. Who knew?
Anyway, I'm showered to within an inch of my life and even shaved my legs and I'm ready to go, panic attack hovering around the door asking, "Is it time yet? Can I unleash the dogs yet? Ready to pass out? Come on! It'll be fun!"

All I want to do is hang out here in Lloyd in my new soft Target pants and my new soft Target slippers which are "fur" lined. I really, really do not want that doctor to see me in all my glowing, blobby nakedness. No. I do not. He chants all the signs of skin cancer: borders, colors, growth rate, size, etc., etc. as he looks at me.

One year he talked me into trying an evil, evil drug called Effudex (or something like that) which peeled every bit of skin from my face and left me bleeding on my pillow before I ended that little experiment. Children ran from the sight of me. Adults politely turned their eyes away from my face. And the skin on my face has never been the same since. Damn him.

Another year he tried to talk me into Retin A.

Look. I am an aging woman. The sun and time and gravity have had their way with me. This is why I wear clothing. My face is my face.

Ah well. My panic level tells me it's time to go. Let's get this over with for the year. It's really not a big deal. Not like, oh, a colonoscopy, which I did get a notice about a few weeks ago. The Gods of The Colon have determined that it's time for me to undergo that procedure AGAIN.


Well. Off I go, panic barely in check. I have to see a doctor. Actually, he has to see me. Every square inch.



  1. Go to different doctor!!

    A nice lady doctor!


  2. You are gorgeous! None of us has the bods we had when we were in our teens/twenties, but we make up for that in wisdom. (How'm I doin?) :-)

    Anyway, reminnd me to tell yo a funny joke my uncle used to tell. I think it may be inappropriate for comment land.
    xo pf

  3. Why do you still go to that doctor?

  4. I hate going in for those annual scans. I used to have to go every six months because they removed a mole on my arm that was dysplastic. Now I'm back to once a year. Don't get me started on the colonoscopy. Getting old is not fun! I hope everything goes well for you.

  5. Ugh. I think dermatologists have to sell those cosmetic procedures because that's where they really make a living. Just ignore them. I hate going for those exams too, so humiliating.

  6. Damn it to hell. Blogger totally ate my comment from this morning.

  7. PF: But she just said "pussy" how can your joke be inappropriate for comment land?

    Hope your Drs appointment went okay. You're such a silly goose and so fun to read and get to know. Maybe you could've worn your Betty hat to distract him, or at least a nice fluffy feather.

  8. Jo- Oh hell. I only see him for ten minutes once a year. Not a huge deal. And he hasn't tried to sell me anything in a long time. I suppose he's given up on me.

    Ms. Fleur- Will do!

    Stephanie- See my answer to Jo.

    Lois- No. Getting old is not particularly fun and I don't like that saying about "consider the alternative." I would like the alternative to be...NOT GETTING OLD AND NOT DYING EITHER! Oh well.

    Elizabeth- I know. Sigh.

    Kori- Blogger gets hungry sometimes, I think and must EAT!

    Bethany- It went fine. Nothing suspicious looking to him at all. Except probably my ass. And not suspicious so much as just old.

  9. I think I'd rather die of skin cancer than have someone put this fat ass under a microscope.
    Thank God I have avoided the sun my entire life and live where we don't get any sun for 9 months out of the year anyway.
    Best of luck though.

  10. Good luck at the doctor's - just think how reassuring it will be to get the all clear. I wish someone checked me over like that regularly.

  11. Those voices messed with you today. I'm glad they were, as they almost always are, full of shit.

  12. Well, Ms Moon, I'm new to your blog, drawn here by Glimmer.

    I agree with Jo here and Stephanie in these comments. You say it's only ten minutes a year but it's a lot longer than that, I think.

    What about all the anxiety you feel in anticipation? I doubt that doctors intend to intimidate but they do sometimes and so I think it's important to find one who does his/her best not to.

    Intimidation leads to humiliation. It makes you feel small and insignificant. You don't have to experience that, even to stay healthy.

    It's lovely to meet you on your blog, though it does seem strange this post, so revealing as you say. But then that's what life's like in the blogosphere - though generally it's a metaphorical 'bearing all'.

  13. Oh crap - you just reminded me that I have a colonoscopy scheduled for Feb. And I really should have Dr. Fresh Face (he has really smooth, well moisturized skin) check my moles again.
    Thanks for being my medical reminder service!

    I'm glad yours turned out well today.

  14. I have the nicest female dermatologist, yet I still get nervous of having her peer at every square inch of my skin. Let us know how it went.

  15. I'm sure you'll be fine. I remember in Australia in the 80s the thing was tan tan tan at all costs.

    "Lucky" for me I had bad acne and the doctor kept giving me hideous treatments that meant i had to stay out of the sun for fear of instant cancer (Retina A was among them. Also a sulphuric cream that made me smell like boiled eggs. Not the best when you're a shy 15 years old).

  16. Rachel- Well, he only looks. He doesn't get out a microscope. Thank God.

    Mwa- You, too, could find a dermatologist!

    Elisabeth- Well, welcome to blessourhearts. Sorry if I'm too revealing. I am what I am. And there's nothing wrong with this doctor. I have a huge doctor-fear and actually, fear of all things medical. I don't like going to the eye doctor because I'm afraid he'll discover a brain tumor when he looks into my eyes. Just one of the many charming neurosis I enjoy!

    Grasshopper- I threw that colonoscopy reminder away. Was that wrong?

    Angie- All was well.

    Screamish- Yes, things can turn out for the best. But sorry you had to go through all of that when you were young. Must have been so miserable.

  17. I wouldn't mind being nekkid if my doctor was Dr. Oz. But there's only ONE him!


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