Striving For Balance

I can't go on this way.
There. I said it.
And what I'm talking about is this blog world that I have jumped into with both feet, thinking I could keep my head above water, but I cannot. I am drowning.
I am not attending properly to my little world, the very world that feeds the words that make my life that I write about here on this blog.
I started out so innocently, writing about the weather and the oak trees and I got a few comments and that was all I needed and since then I've spent hours, hours, DAYS AND WEEKS of my life sitting here at this computer and I've met you all and I've gotten involved in your beautiful writing, your yearning lives, your hopes and dreams, your pictures and children your gifts and sorrows your struggles and triumphs your most secret fears and joys.
And I've become obsessive, the way I do sometimes and in that obsession, writing about all of my (see above) and yours, too, I have lost my way.
More people come here and leave beautiful comments and I go to their blogs and I am blown away and add yet...one...more blog to my reader and before the day is over I have spent way too much time and now it's at the point where I despair of ever catching up.
Part of the problem is that I am a polite southern woman and if someone comments on my blog, I feel compelled to comment on theirs. It seems to me this is simple courtesy and lord knows our society is short on that. And it was easy when I had oh, about five commenters.
But like any habit which is started on a once-in-a-while basis, it has grown for me so that I spend way too much time, not necessarily on my own writing, but on yours too and the problem for me is that I know that your writing, your lives, your thoughts are just as important as mine and if you take the time to come here, shouldn't I take the time to go there?
Yes. I should.
But I can't.
Here I am and I have this huge house which I am not taking care of properly and I have a grandson whom I take care of several days a week now and I am in this play and I have to learn my lines and I have to spend time working on that and it will be spring soon and I must, must, MUST attend to my yard and my garden which brings me so much joy and besides all of that- I have neglected my own health in the service of putting the blog before exercise and that will not do. It is not just a matter of fitting into my jeans. It is much more than that and we all know it.
And my husband- my sweet husband. I need to take better care of him, too, and that care incorporates all of it- the house, the yard, the grandson and my health.
And let's face it- the less I live in the real world, the less I have to write about.
A Catch 22 and one I must remedy.

And so I am going to make a concerted effort to spend less time here. To be more available to my children, my real life. Don't get me wrong- the blog world is a part of that life, but the balance is way out of whack. I know it. I admit it.
There is nothing in the world which is going to stop me from writing. Ever. And the joy I get writing here is not to be discounted and I will continue to do so. But if my voice in your world is not heard as much, please forgive me. Please understand that I have chicken poop to deal with and a garden to plant and flowers to tend and floors to sweep and diapers and hunting clothes to wash and books to read and perhaps books to write and I feel as if I am drowning now and that's not a good feeling. Always rushing to get things DONE instead of making my way through this miracle of a life with conscious thought and participation.

The thought occurs to me that my voice is not nearly as important to you as I would think and I hope that is true. I hope I am just hanging on to good manners out of a sense of misplaced responsibility. And I am not dropping out entirely. But let's face it- I am not one of those bloggers who is trying to create a business or world-wide blogging domination here.
BUT, writing and hearing what people think has been honey to my heart, balm for my soul and there have been times when the only thing that got me out of bed (besides my grandfather's ghost-voice) was this blog and my ability to say what I wanted to say and hear what you had to say about the words I've written from my heart.

But it's time for me to pull back a little, to wade in a bit closer to shore where I can still breathe. Is that okay? It's pathetic of me to ask, I know, but I AM a polite southern woman. Usually. And a very caring human being. I am.
And I will probably still be reading you. And when you write something that catches my heart, that makes me think, that goes straight to the core of me I will tell you so.

That's all. And hopefully, this means that my own blog, my own writing, will be better. I know there are days when I am rushing to get something up and although I may have written what I really feel I know I could have written it better, could have made the words more song-like, could have polished them so they shone more brightly. And hell- if I'm not doing that and I'm not taking care of the very things I'm writing about- I've lost the whole meaning and might as well be flying through the air blind and deaf and only concentrating on when I'll arrive, missing the clouds in the sky beside me, the beautiful earth and water below me.

And that, as far as I can tell, is just about what's wrong with everything these days. We've forgotten that it's the journey. The destination is always changing until we die, we've never really arrived anyway.

As my friend Pam said to me in an e-mail last night, she is going to spend Martin Luther King day by celebrating the fact that she is a free woman and can do what she likes, even if that means staying in her nightgown all day long and ignoring the phone.

We DO have the freedom to choose and all of us, black and white, can give a lot of credit to Dr. King for making us realize that all of us deserve that freedom. I choose to live a bit more consciously and in the real world, always celebrating the fact that yes, we do have this community here and I love it and I want to be part of it but I also want and need to be more firmly grounded on this bit of ground I actually inhabit.

I want to be better in every way. I want to feel less rush, less panic. That is a dance I'm familiar with but I think I've done all the frantic dancing I care to dance. I am seeking more balance.
And I am hoping it shows here in my writing which you will want to read because it is good and for no other reason.

I owe that to you, to myself, to my family.


Love...Ms. Moon