Sunday, January 10, 2010

Collard Sickles, Anyone?

I mean, I mean...well DAYAMN!

Shitfire but this is getting ridiculous.

Despite leaving the sprinklers all on, we've lost three out of four from the cold. The one that's still running left us this ice-plot. I'm not feeling so bad about not having planted cabbages and spinach now. They'd be dead anyway.

I go out in the mornings and pour hot water over the chicken waterer. It doesn't thaw the water but it leaves enough in the tray for them to circle 'round and get a drink.

While I was out taking pictures, I had to get one of Elvis. That rooster has grown into a magnificent bird.

He towers over Sam and outweighs him by a pound, at least, I'd say. He knows it, too. Yesterday the roosters got out and Sam jumped on Miss Red who was already out, having rushed the door when I opened it for Betty because she is tired, I tell you, of being one of their favorite sex objects. Sam did his quick-quick tail-waggle and then Elvis pushed him aside, jumped on Red and showed Sam how it's really done. He had that hen FLAT. I mean, you could have made a lovely chicken cordon bleu with that poor little chicken.

"Elvis!" I shouted, but he took his time before he jumped off. And then Red reconstituted herself like one of those magic sponges you put in a glass of water and got to her feet and came over to see if I had anything for her.
Chickens are resilient and hardy birds.

Lily called me this morning to tell me that she was reading a rhyming book to Owen (she's such a good mama) and when she got to the page with the Little Black Hen, Owen grabbed for the book. I tell you, that boy already knows about chickens. He studies them with his big, brown eyes as seriously as if his life depended on it. Of course he studies everything like that but I'm sure he can already recognize a chicken. What a smart boy he is.

Oh Lord. Mr. Moon has discovered that we are dreadfully low on gas. As in- hardly any at all. And the gas guy can't come until tomorrow. Mr. Moon is pacing the house and he's set the thermostat down to fifty-five and well, what else can we do? It's Sunday. It's supposed to warm-up to forty-one today. Toasty! And every one of the five fireplaces in this house have long-since been converted to...gas!
And I cook with...gas! I don't know why we didn't expect this to happen. The fucking heat pump's been on without ceasing for a week.

The hen house may end up being the warmest spot on the property by the time this day and night are over.

Ah. We'll be all right. I have cashmere. I'm already so anxious today that the idea of freezing to death doesn't push my needle much farther into the red than it already is.

So, that's Sunday at my place, Mother Church Of The Batshit Crazy.

What's happening at yours?


  1. oh, magic sponges! perfect image. This had me laughing. Poor Red. Oh but Elvis is one gorgeous boy. The name suits him perfectly.
    Sorry about the gas. Sounds like my house. I never think of things like this. Glad Mr Moon is paying somewhat attention.
    It's cold here too.
    Oh but your collard sickles are priceless, you poor Floridian. You can complain about the cold all you want, really. I dont begrudge you it, even with the wind chill here up north.
    I love that about Owen!
    Nice sermon today.
    Thank you.

  2. Chicken sex and cold -- priceless. I know you hate Sundays, but this one is just elemental, no?

  3. Oh please don't freeze or starve from that lack of gas!

    I'm trying to study on my Sunday. Kind of hard to do, but at least I am warm for the most part.

  4. I love your pictures and your stories of the chickens.

    Stay warm! Drink lots of tea and wear layers and layers of socks. And there is no shame in staying in bed all day - none at all. Does Mr. Moon have cozy hunting clothing he can wrap you up in?

  5. Loved this story! Perfect Sunday evening reading! Elvis is one good looking chick! Or should that be rooster!
    Stay warm, and take good care of yourself! There is no harm in staying in bed for a while longer!
    Big, warm hugs!

  6. Poor collards! I really hope it heats up outside there for you before you run out of gas.

  7. Oh, and those chickens are so funny! Do they like getting photographed? :) They'll do anything for grapes and cornbread, won't they?

  8. Elvis is magnificent. My Sunday? Wearing pajamas at 2:30 PM, boys sleeping upstairs, birthday date (his) with husband this afternoon.

    Not bad!

  9. husband fractured his toe. I hid and read werewolf smut and looked at boots...

    wv: bumbsb

  10. Lots of walking, thinking and shopping. Now cooking and watching football. The usual :)

    And um--please dont freeze to death. Is there room at the Super 8 motel or something? :)

  11. cold chicken and collard know thats what i m coming for..and for you of course..and owen...and know..:-)))

  12. Here we have natural gas and it's fed in through a pipeline that feeds every house probably in this state. Well, not quite, but thousands and thousands.....I'm afraid to open the gas bill when we get it because our furnace only shuts off for thirty SECONDS........We keep the thermostat set somewhere near 68 most of the time, but it's so gosh darn cold that I bumped it up to 70, it's still cold.

    We have an electric blanket that we all snuggle under while sitting on the couch watching PBS. It makes things lots better. Do they sell electric blankets down there? Go out and get one, just in case your gas runs out.

  13. Hot damn! Elvis is gorgeous.

    Please don't freeze. I wish I could send some of our sunshine your way to warm things up. It's just not right for Florida to be so cold.

  14. Sunday, Sunday. Trying to get up (it is now 2:23 PM) and going to try and move some books with B.Loved who is looking at me as if I have lost the last marbles left, into the little library. Gray day and cold, inside the puppies are warm and toasty in our bed. In spite of everything, life is right and everything will be alright.

  15. Bethany- More of a "crying in the wilderness" than a sermon but it is what it is. Isn't Elvis gorgeous? What a bird! I wish I had his feathers right about now.

    Elizabeth- I am mostly amused at this point. I mean- what else can you be?

    HoneyLuna- We shall survive. If worse comes to worst (or whatever that phrase is), we can sleep with all the dogs. That would be cozy!
    I love you, darling!

    Grasshopper- Hell yes! Mr. Moon has his hunting-in-Canada clothes. He'll share. We'll be fine. And I am drinking tea, although that leads to frequent peeing and I am not enjoying pulling my pants down.
    Nah. Not that bad.

    Alice- I have a feeling that tomorrow morning it IS going to be hard to get out of bed.

    Nicol- The roosters hate it when I point a camera at them. You'd think they'd love it, the vain beasts.

    Nancy C- Yay for pajamas in the afternoon!

    Jo- Poor husband! You stay cozy.

    SJ- The motel at the truck stop is always there is we need it. Do you think they'd take us AND the four dogs?

    Danielle- Do you think those collards are going to be sweet enough now?
    And I don't care why you come by here, I'm just so glad you do.

    Rebecca- Yes, they sell 'em but we're fine. Good suggestion, though.

    Steph- We have sunshine, it's just not doing much to heat anydamnthing up. Thanks for the good thoughts.

  16. Allegra- Stay warm and cozy and move books if you want but don't if you don't. Okay? Please? Can you eat or drink anything? If I were closer, I would make you soup. If you couldn't eat it, B. Loved could.
    I love you, dear, and your candle is burning warmly in MY cold library.

  17. I'm sick of the cold too, but I have about 4 more months of it left. I was trudging through the snow with pails of boiling water, 23to be exact, to thaw my furnace drainage pipe today. It was encased in about a 3 foot cube of ice. The fun and thrills just never end around here.
    Enjoy your cashmere! I am on the couch in my snuggi as we speak!

  18. Oh your lovely delectible greens!! This is a local disaster!

    Sorry bout the plant friends. Winter can suck here in the panhandle where you just never know from minute to minute what the damn weather's going to do.

    Please come by if you need a place to warm up. I MEAN it. Don't go all rustic and tough!

  19. I love that you chastised Elvis, though he is very handsome, and I love the image of Red the Magic Chicken Sponge. Or Sponge Chicken.

    And I love you

  20. Is that the Southern way to deal with freezing temperatures, leave the sprinklers on??? Strangest thing. All outside taps go off and get drained before winter over here.

    I hope you have gas by now.

    My Sunday was nap - walk to the park to play in the snow - choir. Not bad at all.

  21. I should send you guys some more hats ;)!

    It's freaking 10 degrees here...but I have the heat at 62, so I guess that's better than 45. I can't believe my babies had to go to school in this cold!

  22. Rachel- How do you STAND it?

    Ms. Fleur- I always know you're there if we need you. Thanks.

    Michelle- It was the most bizarre thing, watching her come back to her real form and shape. I love you too.

    Mwa- Well, our below-freezing days are so few (usually) that it's not worth the effort to drain the pipes. So we let them run to keep them going.

    Erin- You're so sweet. And ten degrees is too cold to send babies off to school. Cruel! But then again- they do survive.

  23. I'd hate to be a damn female chicken and the fucking brute men always humping my ass. That would be my idea of hell. That, or a third term for the Bush administration. Take your pick.

  24. Ms. Bastard- I'm guessing I'm going to see this one on your blog because IT'S SO DAMN GOOD!

  25. You guessed right, Toots. You know me so well!

  26. Just catching up finally! Boy, I've missed a lot.


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